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Why does my husband want his mistress to think he's faithful?!!?
My husband has been having an affair with the same woman for almost two years. I haven't known for the whole time, but he doesn't know that I know.

In old emails I've read, he's very matter-of-fact with her. He says that having an affair, to him, is very "cut and dry" (which I take to mean he's done it before. When she tells him she's never done it, he says "Oh, I know for a fact you haven't You're too nervous about it". On another occasion, he says "You're not cut out for these things... you get too worried." Again, I take these comments to imply that he ad experience.

So in a break up email I read SHE writes " I'm not cut out for this, like you said once, I feel too guilty and get to involved. I wish I could be "cool" about it like you, but I can't.". After they got back together, she asked him "Are you like this with everybody else??". And for the first time, he denied having anyone else (other than me, of course.)

BUT it gets worse. In emails from this past week, they're discussing something completely different, then out of the blue my husband goes "You know... this is my first time doing this. I don't know how this is supposed to go either, or what the right or wrong way to do it is... I've never done it before."

WHY is he so intent, now, on showing her that she's the only one and he's never had an affair before? (I know he has, but he wants HER to believe he's faithful.)

(PLEASE don't give me marriage advice, just answer the question I asked. Thanks.)
Additional Details
NOPE - SHE keeps saying she wants it to be only about sex.



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2010-08-08 20:32:45 +0000
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He needs her to think she is special. If it has only been done with her, then she's special. it like telling a woman "shes the only one." most women need to hear it and most believe it, whether it is true or not.

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2010-08-08 20:33:33 +0000
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My guess is that he does not want to lose her.

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2010-08-08 20:32:36 +0000
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Maybe to make her feel comfortable and to get over the guilt feeling she has, so they can go on further, and maybe he is in love with her...

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2010-08-08 20:33:23 +0000
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You are the biggest troll on here.

EDIT : it irks me that some people think this is for real. What a waste of time.

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2010-08-08 20:35:33 +0000
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He thinks he needs to stroke her ego so he can keep going back for more sex. Sounds like she is sitting on the fence and needs him to do things like that in order for her to feel better about him and the affair.

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2010-08-08 20:36:44 +0000
THIS IS MARRIAGE ADVICE AND QUIT BEING A SILLY STUPID IDIOT!

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2010-08-08 20:33:06 +0000
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My advise is: Why are you ok with your husband having a mistress?

Answer: he wants her not you. his actions speak louder than his words.

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2010-08-08 20:47:40 +0000
one of two things is going on...


either he suddenly feels guilty for cheating on you
or
he has developed more romantic feelings for her.

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2010-08-08 20:34:12 +0000
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Why do you keep asking the same question?You know what is going on with him.

It is against YA rules to keep asking over and over again...........you have had so much advice about this, yet you continue to ask the same or similar question

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2010-08-08 20:33:54 +0000
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cos men say bullshit to women cos they think its what they want to hear. if he tells her he f*cks everything with a hole in it she might freak out and back away

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2010-08-08 20:42:50 +0000
he is obviously has no problem with lying and for him it's about the HUNT, she sounds like a challenge, she doesn't completely trust him and takes joy in fooling people around.

I wish you'd explain why you are still in this marriage.

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2010-08-08 20:40:08 +0000
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I agree with what others have been saying. It sounds as if he is possibly suddenly having to face the possibility of losing her again, and this is something he does not want, so he is changing his approach in an effort to keep her from leaving. He may have realized that his earlier behavior (e.g., "You're not cut out for this") has made her leave before and will make her leave again, so he's trying to do whatever he can to keep her from doing so. By making her feel special, she doesn't feel as useless, and thereby would be more likely to stay with him. Also, by making her feel as if she is the only one, she may not worry so much about any kind of STD/STIs that he might pass along, if he were to have multiple other partners.

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2010-08-08 20:39:57 +0000
He's doing this for the oldest of reasons: because he has intuited from her that she wants assurance that he's not the gad-about you now know him to be and that she may withhold her favors unless he labors however duplicitously to create this ruse. If only women had the confidence/financial independence to demand more of men! Be a trendsetter!

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2010-08-08 20:33:25 +0000
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He is probably telling her that so she will feel more comfortable with him. Like " I am new at it to" kinda thing. Even if he has had affairs in the past. Just like a teenager for the first time.

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2010-08-08 20:43:01 +0000
I think it is stupid that you are wondering about the mistress. I would be more concerned that my husband has a mistress in the first place. Don't wonder why she thinks that he is faithful to her, what she thinks is none of your business. It's obvious he cares more about her then the dishpan wife he has.

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