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sherrimika
When my daughter died, her husband shut me out re the services. Should I have had input?
After offering to buy the dress my daughter was buried in, I was shut out. The dress had already been chosen.
Additional Details
My daughter was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma, an extremely deadly, fast acting cancer.

She was 35 year old with chlldren, 11 and 8 years old.

There isn't room to go into what all the husband did but suffice it to say, he was abusive in life, and after her diagnosis, became worse. As my daughter said, it wasn't about him anymore, it was about her.

Examples......my husband and I spent the days with her to see our grandchildren off to school, then monitor our daughter's medicine, chemo, etc.

He called her every 5 minutes while he was working, not allowing her to sleep. If she disconnected the phone, he showed up at home, screaming at her as to why she disconnected the phone.

Her husband finally asked hospice to become involved. My son insisted it was time, after my son in law said he didn't want hospice involved.
  
A hospital bed was installed in their bedroom, but although we were supposed to take care of her during the day, we weren't allowed into their bedroom.



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2008-01-16 23:20:15 +0000
The arrangements that she made were between herself and her spouse.

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2008-01-16 22:53:16 +0000
You are leaving out 99% of the story.

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2008-01-16 22:56:54 +0000
You lost your daughter he lost his wife. Please do not turn this tragedy into a competition.

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2008-01-16 22:54:37 +0000
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you should have had and input it was wrong of him to shut u out. but what is done is done. people tend to shut people out when something tragic like that happens and they piont fingers truth is its no ones fault.

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2008-01-16 23:20:04 +0000
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Perhaps he had promised her to do it in a particular way..and he was fulfilling that promise?

Please don't let it come between you. She wouldn't want that, and it was probably NOT deliberate.

I am sorry for your loss!

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2008-01-16 22:56:10 +0000
Sorry for your loss.
Its horrible that this happened to you but now that she has been put to rest. Leave that mess behind and take this time to reminisce on her when she was alive. Good luck to you sweetie.

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2008-01-16 23:03:57 +0000
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when a child gets married, it's their spouses who gets the rights over their bodies at the time of death as the spouse is now considered the next of kin. it's ideal that you work together but not a direct right of the parent as far as the law goes. why don't you and your son in law get along? is the question i'm asking? only you know why you were shut out. also when people are grieving,they do strange things. just attend the funeral and don't worry a/b the details. it's not going to bring her back and he can't change the fact that you were her mother. stay peaceful there's nothing worse than a disagreement at a funeral. take care and i'm sorry for your loss.

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2008-01-16 22:57:05 +0000
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I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and her husband didn't get along. If that's not the case, then maybe don't take it so personally, he might just be so upset right now.

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2008-01-16 22:53:59 +0000
Not enough info.....there's a lot more to the story.

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2008-01-16 22:55:09 +0000
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I agree with the 1st person to answer.

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2008-01-16 22:54:08 +0000
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yes you should of had an input I am very sorry for your lost and for you son-n-law behavior towards you!

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2008-01-16 23:01:32 +0000
Just forgive him and step aside everyone grieves in different ways let him be. you need to move on and morn your daughter, and don't let anyone take that from you. you were the one that heard her first word, and you were the one that saw her first step; remember she was yours, and you got the best of her before she became his.

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2008-01-16 22:53:57 +0000
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My sympathies for your loss. Her husband was the legal next of kin, and thus legally entitled to make all decisions in that regard. If he chose not to take your suggestions, he was within his rights.

I have to say that if my daughter died, I'd have more on my mind than what "input" I was entitled to, or whether I received proper respect or recognition.

So tell us why you think he did it.

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2008-01-16 22:57:06 +0000
What's the whole story? WHY were you shut out? Come on... there had to be a reason.

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2008-01-16 22:55:05 +0000
It depends on his reason as to why you were shut out to be honest. It's his right as her husband to have the say so, although you're her parent legally they will turn to the spouse first unless they were seperated. Look at it from his standpoint he just lost the woman he loved and wanted to spend his life with. He is hurting as I am sure so are you. Instead of dwelling on something like this it's time to stick together and figure out a way to just be ok and get through it togehter.

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2008-01-16 22:54:36 +0000
Should he have considered your input.. yes, certainly.. did he have to legally, no.... that's the problem with funerals that haven't been planned out by the person who is deceased (prior to their death) and the plans known to other family members.. often it gets nasty and people are already at such a hightened state of emotion that it gets really hurtful... I know after my stepdad died, our family split regarding the funeral and I have stepbrothers and other family that still won't talk to my mom and the "other side" of the family.. it's such a shame.. I'm sorry for your loss..

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2008-01-16 22:54:59 +0000
unforunately, there is no book and no rules about these things. But he is her next of kin. It would be nice to have input from you for him to accept, but I'm sure he is dealing with his own grief and if there was no will specifing your input then he does get to make the decisions. Don't take it personally.

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2008-01-16 23:11:04 +0000
It really doesn't matter since she is already buried. Sorry for your loss.

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2008-01-16 22:56:36 +0000
Yes you probably should have had input..feel better..i hope so...and in some time he might tell you sorry for that too...people deal with their pain in so many ways.

Can you imagine planning a funeral for your husband with his mom....
I know my heart would be so destroyed at her death, that i would want no one near me till i healed.....it would possibly kill me.....

I really hope you do not hold a grudge against this man, no matter his demeanor, he Will always remind you of your daughter, do you really want those last memories to be angry,

or are you looking for something else to be mad at aside from her death.

Anger is actually one of the stages of grief.

I am very sorry for your loss and your pain, Please cry it out, and love the man that so loved your daughter.

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2008-01-16 22:54:30 +0000
sorry for your loss....but you need to tell us abit more so we then can give you our opinion

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