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he will lie (I have asked him on many occasions) if I ask him again. HELP!
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How can you find out if your spouse is cheating. He gets defensive & won't talk about it when confronted.

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2007-11-14 13:36:39 +0000
Check his cell phone bill.

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2007-11-14 14:00:56 +0000
check his phone logs (either online or on the actual phone). if he is erasing his last calls it's a sure sign.
check his e-mail account (figuring out the password is the tricky part...)
check the bank statements to see how and where he is spending money...

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2007-11-14 13:30:08 +0000
that's the prove, what else do you want ?
Have you noticed something different ? If he's not cheating now, something's burning and you caught him trying to make a baby on your back. That's it, and YOU KNOW IT.

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2007-11-14 14:01:44 +0000
Confront him with the proof and let him know you don't care what he has to say now.

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2007-11-18 13:18:02 +0000
You will have to get some one to follow him.it is possible he his not cheating i know if I am accused of some thing I have not done i get defensive & do not mean to.Think it makes me angry.

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2007-11-14 13:39:03 +0000
More info what has he done that has created the concern?

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2007-11-14 13:51:53 +0000
Becoming defensive and refusing to talk about it is an admission of guilt.

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2007-11-14 13:44:20 +0000
Most guys can't have an affair without money, a car, secrecy, and a phone.

So -

check records. Get proof. Don't go on 'women's intuition.' Right or wrong, it isn't solid proof.

Check the car mileage. If work is 15 miles away, that's 30 a day plus 100 on the weekend. Total = 250. So if there's 400 miles a week on the car, where is he going?

Every cell phone company lets you log in online and check what calls have been made and what text messages have been sent. Most keep 3 month records online. Log on and check. What numbers does he call? What numbers does he text message? Call the numbers he calls. Text who he texts. Use his phone if you can. Say yours is screwed up. Then put his on speaker-phone and dial his favorite numbers.

Go online and check ATM and credit card records the same way. Cash withdrawals, hotels, restaurants, etc. will show up. Look at the dates and times these transactions took place. They'll build a map for you of where he was at what times.

Put all that together and look at it. Then ask him point blank for the password to an email account or his phone if he locks it.
If he hesitates for one second, he is hiding something.

Then you can trot out the other proof. And if it shows he is always somewhere different from what he tells you, don't ask "Are you cheating?"

ask, "HOW LONG have you been seeing her?"

"How did you meet her?"

"Where did you first have sex?"

Again, get info. Skip the sobbing "How could you do this to me?" and "why?" questions. He will have no answer for those. There *is* no answer for those questions since they deal with the hurt he has caused. Get info because you are going to need it later. For court.

And for god's sake - whatever you do - don't believe him when he says it was the first or he'll stop now or he'll change. Most never do. They don't have the backbone to face their deep character flaws and work on them daily. Such work is a constant reminder of what a lying, cheating, weak, disrespectful scumbag they are.

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2007-11-14 13:31:51 +0000
Well if you've given him every opportunity to tell you the truth and he won't then you may have to resort to snooping.
Some people will say "If you suspect he is cheating and he doesn't comfort you then you shouldn't be with him anyway". I don't know about you but I have always tried to give my men the benefit of the doubt. If my gut is still talking to me I HAVE to find out for sure before I leave, otherwise I would always say "what if he wasn't?" So I have snooped a few times and with a few different bf's and have NEVER been wrong. Also, finding out for sure gives me closure and forces them to fess up and take responsibility. Inevitably I always end up being the "psycho" because I caught them. I don't look at it as being crazy, I look at it as I am somebody that won't be made a fool and I do what needs to be done to stand up for myself.
If he won't tell you and you still think something is/was up it's up to you how you choose to find out but it sounds like snooping may be in order....I'm sure I'll get some thumbs down but I'm being honest.

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2007-11-14 13:50:15 +0000
Check cell phone numbers called. That's what I like about Cingular - I can see numbers called within hours, online. Also, visit him at his job unexpectantly. Also be discreet about it. Don't say much anymore. Obviously if he is cheating he won't admit it. Now when you do find a suspicious number on the bill, steal his cell phone and send a text message to that unknown number pretending like u're him. Keep it short. You'll be amazed all that you can find out with a little SMART detective work. Hope I helped and hope he's NOT cheating...

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2007-11-14 13:40:58 +0000
If you think he's cheating, he probably is. Someone with nothing to hide doesn't hide anything. By that I mean, if he wasn't cheating he would say, "I'm not cheating."

That being said, there's no way you can find out unless you catch him in the act. You can become obsessed and follow him around, check up on him, check his phone, snoop through his stuff, but you still probably won't find anything. All you'll do is drive yourself crazy, destroy your honor and integrity, and turn into a person you won't like very much.

What you CAN do is honor yourself, know what your limits and boundaries are, know what you will and won't put up with, follow your instincts, and act accordingly.

I hope this helps. Best wishes.

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2007-11-14 13:29:01 +0000
he's cheating.

i was just like that, when i did the biggie mistake.

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2007-11-14 13:35:57 +0000
Difficult to tell.

If he his cheating he could get defensive as you say.

On the other hand he might be innocent and he becomes angry because he feels he is wrongly accused.

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2007-11-14 13:45:03 +0000
He's definitely cheating. Whenever my spouse lies to me and I catch him he gets all defensive about it and won't discuss it with me.

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2007-11-14 13:36:30 +0000
Get proof of his cheating. Show it to him. He can't deny that. If he has nothing to hide he does not need to defend himself. When he's confronted and won't talk about it it just means that he's hiding something from you. Talk to him. Catch him out. Hope this helps!

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2007-11-14 13:34:27 +0000
Rather than confronting him and putting him on guard that you are looking... chill out for a couple of weeks and wait for him to make a mistake. He'll forget to erase his cell phone... or he might leave his email open one night.... and then you'll have the proof you are looking for. The defensiveness MIGHT be from being tired of answering the "are you cheating?" question... if he isn't cheating.... but the "won't talk about it" might be telling you more than if he would just come out and say something.

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2007-11-14 13:46:36 +0000
I know what your going through. I had a gut feeling something was wrong for a while like two months....but would never check his computer, I felt it was wrong. We have been married for 14 years, I thought I could trust him....big mistake. My gut feeling wouldn't go away so I check his computer and what I found is still hurting me so deeply..it was 2 months ago.
So you have to decided what are you going to do before you check....because once you check it would be better if you have a heads up instead of me. I just thought I was maybe being silly and just wanted to confirmed he was be honest...not so. It hurts so bad.

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2007-11-14 14:20:02 +0000
A lot of the answers to this say if he gets defensive he is definitely cheating. I had a similar problem, except after 5 months i finally proved to my wife i wasnt cheating on her. I would get defensive about it because at least 4 times a day i would get accused of it, even if i had been home all day with my daughters, watching cartoons, and i would get sick of it. After counseling we found that the reason she kept accusing me is because her first husband, and her dad were both that way and she figured every guy was, so she was insecure about it, so just because he gets defensive doesnt mean he is. He might just be sick of being accused of it.

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2007-11-14 13:48:31 +0000
I agree with Hemo. It's difficult to ttell You should have legitimate proofs first before you confronedt him. There are some men who get defensive if they were wrongly accused.

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