How to deal with angry people after giving up my son?

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Truth_matters	well I do feel really badly for you.....but I didn't like what you stated about just because you couldn't find anyone to kill your baby you decided to just give him away....I wish you would have really felt good about your descion because you let him live...not because it was more convientent....your heart has some deep issues.....but other than that...at least you did make the right choice...you chose life, and thats ALL that matters.....move on with your life and please....be more careful with your power to pro create....if you don't want a child....don't put yourself in situations that will give you one....abortion is not birthcontrol. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

mapleleaf2	The anger of those around you likely won't compare to the anger you will get from your child if you ever reunite. Your child's first experience in life has been rejection and abandonment. No, there is no way around it: adoption IS legalized abandonment. In fact, as adoption is used as a way to save a baby from an unfit mother, for you to choose to surrender your baby is in effect judging yourself to be unfit. So, no wonder other make the same judgment! I can see no good reason why you should have given away your baby. There is support out there for young mothers, and in fact studies have shown that mothers who keep their babies face lower rates of delinquency, and attain higher rates of education, employment, and education compared to those who have surrender their babies or miscarried. Giving away a child violates everyone's expectations that a mother will want and love her baby forever. The only people who believe otherwise are adoption agencies who persuade mothers to surrender their babies. Did you have a healthy white infant? If so, your baby may have gone for $20,000 or more. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

magic pointe shoes	You deal with it just like every other relinquishing mother has come to terms with it. Using the key phases of grief. 1. Shock and Denial - You did nothing wrong, adopted children are just fine usually and you have proof by personal anecdotes. You deny any implication of guilt by standing firm with "This is the BEST CHOICE EVER!" chant. Also deny every other stage of grief for a while. Seriously though, what do you honestly expect? The ones who throw a parade in your honor of choosing the best choice are the ones who profit or benefit from your gift of a baby human. But even then they don't really buy into that choice. If you ask them what circumstances would be that they would have to consider relinquishment, they couldn't at all. Underneath the platitudes are some really ugly things said to mothers like us, who have relinquished our children. It wouldn't bother you if it didn't have a shred of a ring of truth somewhere internally in your thinking. If you honestly whole hearted believed that what happened was for the best, than nothing they say would rile you up. That being said, be kind to yourself. It's okay to admit that this path sucks sometimes... especially when it comes to other people's interpretations of your actions. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Fuaite le fuil, gaolta go deo	Did you come here for people to agree with you? People are simply giving honest opinions. You gave away your baby boy because YOU wanted to continue on with your life without the stress of an infant. It was selfish. Those mothers are angry with you because instead of taking responsibility and raising your son, you gave him away. I can guarantee that none of those girls wanted to give away their children. Its hard to imagine that anyone can walk away so nonchalantly without a tinge of guilt. You knew that no form of birth control was 100% effective, you knew that you could end up pregnant and your solution was to put your child up for adoption and bwam! problem solved! PS: notice how most of the "don't feel bad, what you did was selfless and loving!" are people who have benefited from adoption. Mothers in the real world aren't going to look kindly upon you. Maybe when you have a child that you decide to keep, you'll realize what a mistake you made. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Real Life has No Soundtrack	You did the right thing. Adoption is a much better choice than abortion, it's too bad these people don't understand that. You tell people you did what was right for the child, that you put your own wants and needs aside, and you did what you felt was best for the baby. Hopefully this will shut them up. (I understand that this may not be exactly the case, but say it anyway.) Your boyfriend's parents are disgusting. Maybe they should have adopted the baby, instead of expecting you to raise their grandchild. It's too bad more young people don't do what you did. Good for you! You not only did what was best for you, but what was best for the baby. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Morgan	I am so proud of you. You made the best decision u could for all involved parties.Now u have to stand by it.Dont care...when they call u names or say bad stuff about u. What they say doesnt matter and doesnt effect ur life.And get up with the other girls in 5/10 years and see who's happy then. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

La Loba	Watch those same people who have been tormenting you. In 5 years they'll have 4 more kids, all of which will have learning disabilities and a diet of Kraft Dinner and Lucky Charms. The kids will never be provided with the attention and discipline they need to become model citizens so in a matter of years these broods will have shoved another load of worthless well-fare children into the world to become EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEM. You did the right thing. You turned your mistake into something beautiful. You gave young life a chance. That child is probably loved unconditionally and provided for. You're the one who should be complaining about those useless baby-makers. You need to watch Juno, it's an amazing movie. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

michyme	Sorry about what you are going through. I suggest you tell people who say something to you that you did what was best for your child and it was your decision. Say I chose adoption so my child can have a good life I am to young to raise. If you don't like it that is fine. Say I thought you were my friends and now that I am going through this your not there maybe you weren't a friend to begin with. They might come around if they don't then try to stay away from them. Dianna Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

maybe	No, you are NOT a bad person. But like Lori said, you just became a member of the most unpopular club on the planet. You'll have to grow a thick skin - be prepared to hear these types of statements for the rest of your life. I wish there was a better answer, but there isn't. Make peace with yourself, strive for success, and ignore the ugliness dished out by others. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

~ Venus ~	Never think that you are a bad person. What you did was not selfish. The girls who have made the comments have never made a decision like you have, and they don't realise how much of a difficult decision it was. It seems harsh, but forget about these girls who are making comments and aviod them, you could do without the stress after your experience. If you're fine with the adoption, that's what matters. You are young with your whole life ahead of you and I understand why you chose to give your baby up - it would have been selfish if you had kept him and spent hardly any time with him - you knew he could have a better life with someone else so you did it in his best interests. It was ultimately your decision, no one else's. Good luck! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

saved_by_grace	It takes a very unselfish person to give their baby up for adoption so that they might have a better life. The comments are always going to bother you. You can recant by telling the people that you did what was in the best interest of your child and leave it at that. Your child deserved to live...I am glad you did not go through an abortion. You are a brave woman. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

coleblondehead	There will always be comments for and against adoption it is a very controversial issue, to me you did the right thing specially if you felt you were not ready, it is a statistic most of those pregnant girls will suffer poverty, will not finish hight school, meaning they will not be able to support their child, many of them will be on welfare for many years and passing on this way of life to their children, it is a chain cycle and everything is learned thru educating yourself, its true that adoption is hard for many children but also its a new start, a beginning that you as a parent probably would not be able to give them so my advice is finish your college, go to university be proud of what you accomplish in life, just remember that yu gave your child a second chance at best life possible you cant go thru life as what if this, what if that happens, you did the best option according to your situation. Hold your head up high and if these girls keep pestering you just tell them at least in a few years I wont be living with my parents and on welfare. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Missy M	Here's the thing. The "kids" at school, are just that, kids. And high school is hard enough not even going through what you've went through. The decision you made is one you'll live with for the rest of your life, they don't have to. I give you credit for doing what you felt was right. There are a lot of parents who do not make good parents for one reason or another who still have their kids. I'm not saying you wouldn't have been a great mom but you're still a baby yourself. There is no shame in the choice you made. You not only are probablly trying to make sure your baby has the best chance at life but you're probablly also trying to make sure you have a good chance in life. As far as people talking, they will always talk. Shrug it off (yes this is hard) and know you made the best decision for you and the baby. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

crzymmof8	I am sorry I don't know the answer. Other than to tell these people that it was your choice not theirs and to butt out of it. You had to make a hard decision not them and you did. Sorry for all the people who have jumped on you over this. Wish I actually had good advice. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

╔Elizabeth╗ ♪♫	Oh gosh, I'm sorry hun. That's rough. Your best bet is to simply ignore them. Or come back with a witty comment such as, "Which do you prefer: Abortion or adoption? At least some loving family out there is happy. Not everyone is meant to have children." or something like that. Try to find some support as well, even online. There are tons of places online where you can chat and find other people in similar situations. They'll probably have better advice on how to deal. HUGS Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

texasladiee	No your not. You did what was right for that baby and you. Being a teen mom is very difficult. Im 24 and I have trouble raising my kids. They don't understand cause its not them. Your 17 and trying to do something in your life. Just ignore what you hear. As for the guys parents, they of all people should understand, also if its that important to them. With your permission they can request pictures/updates of the baby. BUt that's entirely up to you. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Stop the Hate Love instead	I am sorry these girls and others are treating you this way. When you befriend them while you were with child did you tell them that your plans were to place the baby for adoption? Even if you didn’t they should respect your decision even if they don’t agree with it and they did differently. You did what you felt was best for you and even your birthson. Being a teen parent is not easy, being a teen parent is not for everyone and clearly you did not want to be a parent at this stage in your life. You didn’t even look at him so that says a lot imo. I would just tell this people you made the decision they don’t have to like it but it was your decision. Hold your head up high hon you are not a bad person for deciding to place your birthson for adoption. He is better off being raised by parents who want him, then parents who don’t. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

K&C	YOU DID A WONDERFUL THING. It will be hard on everyone involved at times but happy adoptees are everywhere. Trust me you would get grief if your kept the child as well. No matter what you do in life someone is going to have a problem with it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

WierdWiseWonderful	Tell people its none of their buisiness but you chose a better life for your child than the one that you could give. Well done for being sensible. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

21love	No one will ever know what it's like to make a decision like that unless they've been in your shoes. If you feel confident you did the right thing, don't let ANYONE else tell you any different! You're brave, and smart for giving your baby the life it deserves :) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

cj	You know, no one knows how you felt and it wasn't there decision to make. I personally could never give up a child but don't let them get to you. They have no clue. Of course people may be angry with you but it's better to let the child be raised by someone who wants to raise a child. I don't think you're a bad person. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Laura Undisclosed	I think you have to hold your head up high, yes some people may think it wrong of you to have given your baby up, but it was right for you and right for the baby. You were obviously not ready for such a big change in your life and you done what was for the best. You're getting on with your life, while the baby you had is in a new home with no doubt 2 very loving parents who will give him the love and care he needs.By not going through with a termination, you gave this baby a chance at life, and 2 people the chance to be parents... Thats the most selfless act you can do. Ignore these cruel taunts, Get on with your life and follow the path you've chosen. Good luck x Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

life is like the ocean	Welcome to the wonderful world of adoption. You are now a leper. You will be treated like this by many, many people for the rest of your life. All natural mothers are. I can attest, as I am living this life too. People tell you adoption is the right thing when you chose it, they are the same ones that will berate you and say you threw your baby away when all is said and done. You made a tough choice, and no, you are not a bad person. Unfortunately in adoption, natural mothers are labeled as being uncaring, unloving and it is all perpetuated stereotype. You know that is not true, and you took your decision seriously and painfully. You did the best that you could do at the time, with the best of intentions and love. They have not walked in your shoes. You will develop a thicker skin than anyone should ever have to. You will have regrets about relinquishing as you grow older. You will have a lot to deal with. You are going to have a harder time dealing with it all if you allow other people to determine your self worth. Consider them as ignorant, and do not waste your breath or time on them. YOU are too important, and don't need to spend time on mean people. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lori A	You have just officially joined THE MOST UNPOPULAR CLUB ON THE PLANET. The First mothers club is for those of us who did make that decision either willfully or with help, and no matter how we feel about our decision, someone will always have a negative perspective of who we are. My daughter is a full grown woman with children of her own, and I still get crap from people who just found out that I gave away a child 36 years ago. Get used to it because it will never change. Opinions are like A**holes, every bodies got one. As far as the actual making of the decision, I believe you will have to answer to someone someday for the choice you made, but that person is the child you surrendered and no one else. I feel really bad for your boyfriends parents, they are right, they will never know their own flesh and blood grand child. Adoption affects more than just the woman carrying the child. It affects anyone who loses out on a relationship with them. Grand parents are first in line as far as I'm concerned, but it is still the decision of the parents. If they were so concerned they would have stepped up to the plate and assumed responsibility for raising the child. Instead all they had to say was I never thought she would go through with it? pfffft obviously they weren't too concerned. It's a great life if you don't weaken. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

TTC #2	Deciding to adopt out a child can be a very difficult decision. No you are not a bad person for choosing adoption. Every mother does what is best for her child- people forget that what is best for the mother HAS TO be included in this calculation. It is better for your son to be in a home that WANTS him, than with you. You would have just ended up resenting the fact that you were tied down with a baby, and he would have been able to sense it. The girls who are being mean to you obviously were never really your friends in the first place. Perhaps they see things in you they don't like about themselves? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

red elephants	You are learning some really hard lessons. Our "friends" aren't always our friends and no matter what decision you make (about anything) there will always be people waiting to tear you down. Both really suck but thats life. Some people are only happy in life if they can put others down and judge them for their decisions. It makes them feel superior and better about themselves. Its very possible the girls who are being mean to you about this are actually a touch jealous that you are actually getting to live your life like you should be at your age. Thats not possible for them. Maybe they wish they were in your shoes and had done the same thing and are lashing out in anger/jealousy. Its also possible they just don't understand how you let your son go. Some lash out when they don't understand a situation. Its a crappy place to be in when people you think are your friends and there to support you bail and stab you in the back. I've been there myself over a different situation. You just have to pick yourself up and decide to move on. You really have two options. You can either accept what they are saying to you and let them tear you down. To believe what they are saying and make yourself miserable. Or you can decide to stand up for yourself and your decision. There was nothing wrong about your choice. You did what you thought was best and thats something you should be proud of. You were taking control of your own life. If they are going to treat you like this you don't need them in your life. Sometimes you just have to cut the negative people out of your life. As for the grandparents who are upset well really they can just get over it. They knew this was going to happen. They had no reason to doubt you. If they were really all that concerned about being in the childs life they could have taken actions to adopt him themselves. They chose not to and that is NOT your fault. Don't let them make you feel badly about what you decided on. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Serenity71	(Most will think an adoptive parent has an agenda when answering these questions but I don't, i see a person who's being judged by people she thought were friends.) From what you have said you're discovering who your real friends are and which relationships were shallow and not worth it to begin with. It comes out in full when you hit a moment of crisis in life who will stand by you not matter what and love you and who won't. The choice has been made and you did within yourself what you felt was right for your child. I'm not about say if you were selfish or not, I'm just a person on the internet who hopes her children won't think like that about their first mum or hate her as they grow up. They might a points in time but it all part of learning about life and they get through it. No one said life was a bed of roses and we never suffer at any point or have to make hard decisions that will affect the rest of our lives and we get out of it scott free when we do make them. (How is your boyfriend handling all of this...do people say horrible things to him too? Being a guy he's likely to keep in more to try and deal with it. ) At the end of the day it was your choice to make, not theirs. Your the one who has to live with it and decide how you feel about it and work through any thing that might arise in the future from it- not them. All the best... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Melissa Swan	You did the right thing having the child adopted. Its far better for babies to be raised by parents who desparately want children than by birth parents who had "an accident" and didnt really want them. The baby is much better off, and you did nothing wrong, you shouldnt feel guilty. You're not a bad person. If it had been very hard for you to give up the baby and you had cried a lot, I would still say you did the right thing, and you made a great sacrifice sending the baby to a better life. As you werent bothered, it wasnt a sacrifice but you still did the right thing. A lot of babies should be adopted who arent, I dont think theres anything wrong with it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

amyvnsn	No you are not. You did the right thing. At least you were not one of those mothers that threw their baby in the dumpster. Those girls are not your true friends if they are speaking to you that way, and I think inside, they are jealous that you had enough courage to give your baby up for adoption and they either wish they had done the same or are just jealous that you went through the same thing they did and you are able to get back to your normal lifestyle again, whereas, they are having to deal with being a mother. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Expendable	Sadly, Felicita is like a lot of people here. They will love, coddle and agree with you only if you say you are a traumatized adoptee, a depressed "birth mother" who thinks she was coerced, or anyone else who hates all adoptions. They cannot get it through their minds that NOT ALL MOTHERS LOVE OR WANT THEIR OFFSPRING. People here don't like me because my biological mom gave me up for adoption, never wanted me and still refuses to talk to me. If you go against their standard of "all natural moms love all their kids and are always coerced into giving them away" then they hate you. In short, this isn't the best place to come for advice, and don't listen to people like Felicita. I'm an adoptee and I don't hate my bio mom for giving me away, i'm GLAD she did because she wants nothing to do with me and does drugs. People here whine about no one caring about the bio mom, yet when people like you come here with your stories, they bash you and tell you what a bad person you are for willingly giving up your child for adoption. They are manipulative liars. You are NOT a bad person, you wanted a different future and knew you couldn't raise a child. Don't let some angry middle aged menopausal women tell you different. So lets sit back and see if the "first moms" here actually care about you and will offer you advice since you are a first mom too, or yell at you because you don't go along with their narrow way of thinking. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

paralegalbunny	Well, I have been there. I let my daughter be adopted 5 years ago when I was a sophmore in high school. Unlike you, I already had one child, but my decision was still the same. I never have regretted my decision. I know that my daughter is being taken care of and has a great life. Her father's family was very much against the adoption. However, none of them stepped up to help me when I needed them. There are many, many people who do not understand my choice and have talked about me behind my back and to my face. Here's the thing to remember: You do not owe anyone an explanation! Had you kept your son, they would have talked about you and ran you down regardless. What you did was selfless, NOT selfish! You made sure your son was taken care of and that is what is important. You are not at all a bad person! Lift your head up high, and the next time someone wants to comment on your decision tell them "the best part about business, is minding your own." ;) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No