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 Are there any organizations for young families that will take blankets/baby clothes?
I am donating a lot of stuff to a local organization in my community already that helps young parents, but I have a LOT of stuff (things we were given when we were totally unprepared!) :-). Are there ...


 Do you as an adoptee?
Do you as an adoptee have contempt for those incapable of reproducing? Do you feel this is a direct result of your adoption experience? If so, why do you feel this way?
Additional Details<...


 Is it just me or does it seem...?
a little pointless to put an age limit on Plan B? Anything over 17 doesn't need a prescription, but anything under it does. THAT seems a little absurd...any thoughts on that?...


 my aunt emotionally abuses her adopted son?
my aunt is 43 but she has a cousin who is only 15. his mom died in a car accident when he was 6. and my aunt adopted him. well all he had left was his little sister. she adopted her too but then she ...


 What do you know about the reputations of international adoption agencies?
...


 When Will Adoptees have a LEGAL Right to the truth of their own origins?
In the UK and many other Countries adoptees and people resulting from egg/sperm donation have a LEGAL right to the truth of their origins equal to any other human being.

When do you ...


 Financial compensation for adoptees and mothers?
Should adopters be made to financially compensate adoptees and their mothers when adoptions have been proven to cause emotional distress and suffering in their lives (which is basically all adoptions)...


 More and more I am seeing that adoption is all about the child?
and the 'child's needs', the 'best interest of the child' and etc, carried out to the illogical conclusion the lack of interest in meeting his natural family of a ''...


 Is it wrong to only want to adopt older children?
I asked an earlier question about wanting to get my parents to accept my want to adopt over having my own due to health complications.

http://answers.yahoo.com...


 What are your thoughts on the Adoptee Rights video?
http://www.youtube.com/w
I think it's bloody brilliant!
Additional Details
If you love it, pass it on to others...leave comments and help us get the ...


 Adopting a child but still a virgin and have no boyfriend/husband?
I'm thinking about adopting a child, I'm 23, I have the money and the perfect home. A girl is pregnant at our church and is threatening to abort so to save the baby I want to adopt. The ...


 Does coercion in adoption violate the UN's Declaration of the Rights of the Children?
Principle 6 of the UN's Declaration of the Rights of the Children clearly states that "a child of tender years shall not, save in exceptional circumstances, be separated from his mother.&...


 What's the return policy for adopting a child?
I'm a guy with a lot of money and not a lot of friends, if i adopt a child that's 11-14 and i don't like it can I return it?...


 How much does it cost to give a child to an adoption agency?
I am doing a debate in my Enrichment class and I need to know how much it costs to give a child to an adoption agency. Can anyone help me?...


 What advice would you give an adoptee searching for her mother?

Additional Details
the ''don't waste your time'' answer makes you sound like a terribly hurt, borderline pathetic, bitter, and sour person.

I guess I...


 Is it right to.......?
correct a wrong here on in the adoption section of Y/A when one occurs?

I very recently took a post completely wrong and actually reported someone, helping to get their question removed. <...


 My adoptive family think I should meet my blood-family?
I never really had a "family". I spent my whole childhood being bounced from foster home to another. When I was 16-years-old I left the home of the family I was staying with at the time - I&...


 How do I know if I am ready to search?
I dont know if I'm stable enough (i'm not crazy or anything but i do suffer from depression and stuff like that sometimes) and what happens if my natural family dont want anything to do ...


 Adoption Homestudy & Finances?
We are looking to foreclose on a rental property. Will this foreclosure affect our homestudy? Also, we have lots of credit card debt which we plan to pay off with our tax refund but we would like to ...


 EMS Mothers, do you believe we will ever be issued an apology?
From the government or from the adopters who bought our children?
Additional Details
LinnyG, you remind me of a certain girl I gave birth to, loved, and wanted to raise. But, you know, ...



J
Feeling unwanted by adopted son?
My son is 4 years old and was adopted privately, I have two daughters aged 7 and 13. He was abandoned by his mother at 18 months old. He's bonded the most with his dad, he's really close to his dad. When dad's not around, he's closest to his sister who is 7. I sometimes feel unwanted. Most of the times that I go to cuddle him, or even play with him, or read to him, he doesn't want to and he pushes me away.

I see that he only comes to me when something's happened that he doesn't like (he lost his toy etc.) or when he's crying and he wants me to soothe him. There are also random times in the day when he'll come to me instead with a book, or coloring pencils and every night he only wants me to bathe him, and tuck him in bed. So my husband tells me to just let him come to me, which I do. It seems like he only needs me to play a mothering role to him and not so much a "playing" role. Is this normal?

If he feels this way because of his mother abandoning him, it's incredibly difficult to let him know that I'll never leave him.
Additional Details
7rin, I just want to address your answer as reading that you'd rather have been aborted than adopted just tore my heart apart. I'm sorry you feel this way.

I truly truly truly hope that my little boy never feels that way, and I want to do all I can to ensure that he doesn't think the same way. Thanks everyone for your answers. It's times like this I wish I had adopted him from birth, he's such a beautiful boy and the last thing I would ever do is leave him as his mother did. It's difficult to convey this to a four year old. He is my life, I just want him to trust me and if that will take a few more years, then I'm more than willing to wait.



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amyhpete
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Does he know he was abandoned? Surely he doesn't remember much about his mother prior to age 18 months. Have you done all you can to build your relationship with him? Are you sure your own anxiety is not coming into play here?

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Lee
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Givem a cookie lol

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Nora
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go to a child therapist with him he has bonding issue and it good to address them now,

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Speranza
What's normal anymore?

Love him the best you can...

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Cambria
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"It's times like this I wish I had adopted him from birth,"

Newsflash. Even if he was adopted at birth he would still know that he was abandoned by his mother.

Stop putting your needs onto your child. He is having his needs met. It sounds like he seeks you out many times for comfort and interaction. Sounds to me like this is all -your- stuff. I suggest seeking counseling to sort out your issues on your own time so you don't end up damaging what relationship you have with the child by continually pushing your own agenda.

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emily
its normal in children even when their not adopted. my son whos 15 months old feels more comfortable with my husband and mother in law but that's bc he's with my mother in law all day 5 days a week and w/ my husband on the weekends since i work 7 days a week. he really only sees me about 5 hours a day. i know it hurts to see him more attached to others since you're the mom but he'll eventually come around

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Carol c
You're getting great advice here... most adoptees have trust issues. It is positive that it's you he comes to for nurturing - that's mothering.

And I wonder about the situation when he left his mother ?- I think 18 months is definitely old enough to have some memories, at least on some level.
Do you suppose his mother scolded or was abusive to him when he was "playing"? Some mothers including my own (and I'm not adopted) can't stand any kind of playful activity in the house. My mother only seemed to want us to be sitting quietly "seen but not heard", she used to say. But when Dad came home he would say to her, "just let them be kids"..

Wonder if he thinks if he plays or makes too much noise you will get upset with him like his own mother did and then give him away? I'm no therapist either, but wonder if he could be acting more subdued with you if he thinks there only one acceptable way to be around a "mother"?

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AdoreHim
It is amazing how much a child at the age of 18 months can realize what happened to them. I can kind of understand why he may not go to you unless he needs something right now. He may remember, even in his subconscious that a woman raised him for 1 1/2 yrs. and then placed him for adoption. That said, I do see that he comes to you at other times as well- "instead of a book or pencils". Also if you are the only one that he wants to help bathe him, I would use that time to bond with him. He is 4 now so he can carry on a conversation with you. Bath time is a great place to bond. talk to him about his day. Granted at 4 he may not be able to articulate it was well as an older child would but let him interact with you during that time. When you tuck him into bed, do you read him a story? During those times that he does respond to you, take full advantage of that. Children's subconscious from a very early age can affect how they respond later to people and things. I too feel sorry for people like 7rin who thinks it would have been better to have been aborted. I am both adopted and have 2 adopted children, and I can honestly say I am thankful for being adopted. However, when a child, at even 18 months gets taken from the only mother they have known, I would think it could be difficult. Just enjoy and nurture those times he does come to you.

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Donna
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These wounds can take a very long time to heal. How long have you had him? Many parents that abandon are seriously troubled. Maybe he was also neglected or abused by the mother. That might make it difficult to bond with a woman.

It could even be normal for him. Many children bond closely with only 1 parent and remain distant with the other. I know this is painful for you-all you can do is give him lots of unconditional love . Do everything you can to help him feel safe and try not to pressure him.

If he is otherwise developing normally you probably should be patient. If there are any other signs of problems a visit with a child psychologist may be in order. Preferably a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. The later likes to diagnose and give meds most often . A therapist is a better choice.

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Cleopatra
Your son knows your not his natural mother and he's fighting with it. Unfortunately, 7rin's story is the real outcome of how adoption feels for the adoptee. I think many ap's have no clue to the problems/issues they actually run into. I don't know what else to say but - get accustomed to your adopted son and you need to understand that it has nothing to do with what you can or cannot do. The damage has already been done.

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Possum
Nothing is 'normal' about losing your mother and having to fit into another family.

That is the life for an adoptee.

If you are having problems - get help - talk to someone about how you feel - but do not project that onto this child.
He's going through enough of his own stuff - just be there for him - he'll need you however it is that he needs you.
If you feel 'unwanted' - those are your problems to deal with. No child should be made to make you feel good about yourself.

Being abandoned by your mother sucks. Whether it be at 18months or after 4 days. (this is whether it is planned or random walk out)
It can take a lifetime to work through - and some never completely 'get over it'.
Most just learn to live with it.
But it will always be a blemish on a child's heart.
He's been through hell and back - let him work out his stuff at his own pace - and hopefully he'll one day show you what you want to see. But if he doesn't - that should never be seen as a fault. It's just how the events have shaped who he is.

We should all love kids unconditionally - no matter how they make us feel.

All adoptees have the prospect of being incredibly hard work - because they're usually not made of the same 'stuff' as the adoptive family. They're different genetically - and some just don't respond to events etc the same way you and your genetic family do.
My adoptive family had many hard times with me - I was just different to them (my fam had a son and daughter before they adopted me - I looked similar - but in many ways we were very different - I always felt the freak - until I finally found and met my bio sister - and then I came to really understand what genetics really means. You'll never totally 'get' that unless you've lived most of your life without it.)

Your husband is on the right track. Relax - and let him make the plays. If he doesn't respond how you want him to - think closely if it's your problem - or his.
Most times - it will probably be yours.

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Iama
Since he was so much older when he was abandoned, I'd be willing to lay good money that he's not attaching to you for exactly that reason: his mother abandoned him. And I think his behaviour is completely normal.

And you are normal for feeling rejected by the fact that he's attaching to everyone else first. I'm no doctor, or therapist (I'm not even a parent - I'm just an adult adoptee who had a severe attachment disorder that I'm still dealing with).

That fact that he comes to you for soothing tells me that all is not lost. Based only on my OWN experience, what I wish my mother had done:

Be very, very, very patient and accept that him coming to you for soothing is a huge leap of faith for him. When he does, reassure him with statements that make him feel secure - reinforce those "I'm here for you forever" messages any way you can - but only when he asks for them. Shoving them down his throat when he doesn't want face time may further alienate him.

Also - take a really good look at your expectations and recognize that you're there for him, not the other way around. He may never be able to get as close to you as you'd like him to, and you may have to find a way to get okay with that and lovingly meet his needs without making affection/play/attention demands on him.

He's been seriously scarred by the rejection of the one person who was supposed to be his island of safety. How well he recovers from that remains to be seen, but you can certainly help him on that journey by unconditionally loving and accepting him - even if he can't love you back in the way you'd like him to.

I think you could make the situation worse by making a big deal of it - that may just reinforce the behaviour and make it even more difficult for him to trust you. He's just a little kid - you're the grown-up - you're human, and hurting, but it's going to be better for him if you find a way to manage your own feelings of rejection and avoid sending implicit messages that he's somehow responsible for taking care of your insecurities for you.

Also - you've parented girls and you may have to alter your parenting style with a boy. I worked in a daycare and noticed there were differences in how boys and girls react to the world too. That may or may not be a factor too, I don't know. But what I've learned about child development and bonding from my own journey makes me comfortable enough to say his being abandoned is definitely a very big factor.

** I have to say I strongly disagree with the idea of taking him to therapy - he is behaving in a normal way based on his history.

Dragging him to therapy will likely enforce the idea that there's something wrong with him. It may even encourage acting out behaviour. There's nothing "wrong" about his behaviour - perfectly normal for an abandoned child.

YOU might want to get some individual therapy for yourself (with someone who specializes in adoption issues) if you feel you need it, but unless he starts exhibiting serious acting out behaviour that becomes dangerous for him and you, I would consider therapy for HIM a last resort.

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7rin
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Moms are there because you can go running to them with a problem - dads and brothers and sisters and nans and granddads and aunts and uncles and cousins are there so you can go out and play and laugh and have fun.

I was gonna say that my opinion on that was nothing to do with being adopted, but seriously, it's probably got a lot to do with it because I grew up in a loving, caring, nurturing adoptive family from when I was seven months old, instead of growing up with my abusive biological mom.

You're never gonna be able to "win" 'cause adoption screws kids up one way or another, but you need to be able to learn to understand what your kid's going through.

http://7rin-on-adoption.dreamwidth.org/tag/adoptee+stories may help you, and also following the recommended reading link on the same page. I also suggest that you stick around in here so that you can hear it from the people who've gone through it, from all angles.

My aparents have had to watch as their kid goes through all of the agony and trauma that comes with being adopted. They have had absolutely no help in dealing with any of this - as all good parents do, they winged it. It's testament to their brilliance that I'm even remotely sane (hush you lot at the back! :p) and a functioning member of society.

Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

I was abandoned to adoption at seven months old. I honestly and truly wish that I'd been aborted instead of abandoned to adoption. I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.

Good luck with your son. :)

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