ARE adopted vs. WERE adopted?

Show all answers

Post your answer

Heather	To adopt means to take on as your own, therefore "Billy" is simply your son. The adoption process is what you have to go through to get "Billy" legally adopted. Once that is over the "parenting process" is what you go through for the rest of your life. Sorry, I can't buy any of the rest of your question about adoption being a condition. You're picking the whole thing to bits and pieces and I would promptly toss that book out. And on top of that, why on earth would you introduce your son as anything other than "Billy, my son"? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

cathrl69	I think it's a shame that people for whom adoption was a bad experience, and who never felt comfortable with the parents who adopted them, demand that every adopted child feels the same. Why shouldn't a parent who has adopted a child treat them as their own? How can it be wrong? What about a child whose natural parents are dead; are their new parents required to go round pointing out at all times that actually x isn't their natural daughter/son? A child can know that they are/were adopted without it having a continuous negative effect on their relationship with their family. I mean, I had two kids by C-section and it's known that that means many parents have difficulty bonding. Should I consider them "my C-section kids" because our relationship may have started out differently to those who gave birth naturally? I don't think so. But I also think that it's important for anyone not to get hung up on language. Say we decide that "adopted" is the wrong thing to use, and we should use "adoptee" instead - how long is it going to be until society decides that the new name has acquired all the baggage of the old one and can't be used any more? It's exactly the same with handicapped/disabled/differently abled... every time people start using the word naturally, it has to be changed because it's considered derogatory. Sometimes it's important to make it clear that a child is not yours genetically for medical reasons, and in that case I think clarity is far more important than being PC. It doesn't mean anything about how someone feels about them. It just means that a particular piece of medical information may not be available, or may be irrelevant (asking a mum about her family history to know whether a child may have inherited a condition, for instance). To take the case someone mentioned on one of the other answers, the mum saying "I don't know if it was a difficult birth because my daughter is adopted" is simply making it clear to the doctor that he can't use that piece of information to draw conclusions in her case (sometimes difficult births can lead to oxygen starvation and later symptoms, even if it doesn't seem to be a problem at the time). It's important that she doesn't say something he might misinterpret as "I don't really remember" which would strongly imply that no, it wasn't that difficult when the opposite might be true. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

littleJaina	My brothers were adopted. I do sometimes call them my adopted brothers. However, usually when I have to discriminate I literally say, "I have 3 biological brothers, and two that were adopted." Sometimes I will say my "adoptive" brothers, but I don't really know about that grammar. The adoption was something that happened in the past. However, it is a "condition" in some ways. It is a condition because there are considerations that still have to be taken because they were not born of my mother. For instance, one of my brothers is only 7 months younger than me. Naturally, that one often gave people pause when we were growing up. My brothers have medical conditions that relate to both their biology and their prenatal trauma. Those are current conditions that cannot be handled in the same way that the conditions would be in a biological child. (For instance, the doctors could not know all the specifics of exactly how early one of my brothers was born. They couldn't know if there was a family history of schizophrenia or if there were other mental illnesses to watch out for. It was difficult to determine if my brothers' heights are a symptom of a condition/disease or if that's just their genetic predisposition.) Thus, in some ways, they will always need to define themselves as "adopted children" I also always go around saying, "This is my adopted brother". However, I do tend to do it probably more frequently than most. If people ask, I usually just say, "I have five brother Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Answers202	I believe that is a personal choice, but think that it would be somewhat awkward for a child to be introduced as your adopted son. Your son is your son. It is not necessary to introduce him as your adopted son. People that know you, your child or your family probably are already aware that he is adopted. I doubt that they refer to your son, as your adopted son. When an adoptee is responding on one of these boards, they naturally preface their questions or their answers by introducing themselves as adopted. That is a way of letting everyone know that they are the voice of experience, nothing more. I feel certain that you son refers to you, as just Mom. Most adoptees that I have had the pleasure of helping consider themselves the child of their adoptedparents, but they do not say that when they are introducing them to other people. They introduce them as their parents, plain and simple. I think that you are taking the terminology a little too seriously, but I also feel that you are searching for an answer, because you care. No, I do not consider adoption to be a condition, a disease or a disability. It is a way of bringing together parents who want children, but frequently cannot have them and children/babies that have no parents and either want or need parents. To me, it is a perfect union. I think you are introducing him just the way that he would want to be introduced. You are his mom period. I like to think of it this way. When a man takes a woman to be his wife, he does not say to people that he adopted her, just that this is my wife. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Randy B	I agree, it's a process that people go through. People in the way of the bio family, adoptive family and the person who was adopted themselves. Once it's done, it's done. I was adopted. It happened almost 44 years ago and it's been done since that time. I've known since I was young enough to realize it but it was never discussed outside of our immediate family. It was nobodies business but our own. My three daughters are just that, my three daughters. Outside of this forum I don't differentiate which ones of them WERE adopted and which one wasn't. It's obvious, given their race but that doesn't mean I have to talk about it with everyone who looks at us questioningly. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

AdoreHim	I think you are fighting with semantics here. I say that i am adopted here, because this is a site about adoption. I say that I have 2 adopted children as well. I use the word adoption here because that is what we are, and this is what we are talking about. I don't tell everyone I meet I am adopted or that my children are adopted unless the subject comes up- adoption is not a disease or a disability- and you better never allow your son to think so. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Dreamweaver back for more	Phil sure has a rape complex... I was adopted...the legal process I tell those who ask that I was adopted as a baby. I hardly ever use the "I am adopted" or I'm an adoptee except in here Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Tonia	I adopted my son; he WAS adopted by me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

crazeymazey	i think regardless weather he is adopted or was adopted he is your son, and you love him ...and he loves you and that is all that matters...keep doing what you are doing...there is no handbook for life. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

HappyMomAnna	Our daughter was old enough to remember the day her adoption was final... And has naturally used: "I got adopted" "The day I was adopted" The adoption was a specific moment in time... for her is was like getting married.... There are some times when I do need to "let someone know" that adoption is a part of the story.... SUCH AS doctor appointments, therapy, in some situations with the school...when we had the Child ID Safety kit made.. Sorry---but, the truth of the matter is that there are situations where Adoptive Parents do have to say something.... I say, "My daughter WAS Adopted" (because it happened at 8:30 am on a certain day) When people ask her where she got her big brown eyes..... My little girls is proud to say, "My birth mom A gave me my brown eyes... I WAS adopted by my mom with Green eyes..." The word "Adoptee" isn't in most dictionaries... and is often a misspelled word for spell checks... Grammatically the word "Adoptee" would be more like "Fiance" and once you are married you don't continue to use the relationship word "Fiance" you're either not married or you are married.... In my real life I know at least 7 adults who were adopted and none of them use the term "Adoptee" at all.... In fact, the only place I actually see this commonly used is on the Internet.... ***Edit: I thing there is a Huge difference in the expectation of the Adoptive Parents and how WE are expected to use words. I am expected to learn and understand as a Parent.... How I am required to define things and HOW my daughter is are two completely different issues. Frankly, I don't tell my daughter HOW she has to feel... Or what words she has to use or how she feels about HER LIFE... Because Adoptive Parents want to understand the importance of HOW the words we choose to use may or may not have an impact on our children AND We want to do our bests in understanding HOW we cause certain "problems". The act of asking/answering a specific short question should NOT imply we igornantly discount all the OTHER equally important issues and dynamics.. Most parents have little time to hyper-fixate on one or a set of issues. Just because a Parent would like to find the Correct Words in no way suggests this is expected of the child or the Only thing we have to think about while we are raising a child... ALL 4 of my chldren are people who are given the freedom to feel and define their lives for themself... Knowing How I define things in my life should in No Way mean I would expect the same from any of my children. I parent individules and there is a huge difference in how a question like this one would be answered differently by someone else. A disscusion about parenting and the words that we as Parents need to use has nothing to do with what we would think our child might use, understand or feel the same way. How we show ourselves to our Adopted Children has nothing to do with how we expect our child to feel... We do have to know and discuss how WE need to use the right words and have the right attitudes--with our children-- on thousands of issues in life. We don't only need to understand how to talk with and to our children about adoption. We have to also understand how important our words and attituds are for all of the things children face along life... Our postion is to understand on all of lifes issues what our role is to guide our children in the most healthy way. We have to teach our children how to grow up. We need to know how to talk to them about, tieing shoes, learning to read, social issues, drugs, sex, religion, blah blah blah.... Adoption is a part of our responsibility now too... GOOD Parents try to understand how what we say and how we say it can cause a wide ranger of feelings in our children. So we try to find the words that are appropriate as parents. Knowing what it right to do as a parent should really not be seen as trying to take something away from someone else. I have to be a parent in a lot of ways---just because we need to present a specificlly identified set of healthy words to use when we teach our children anything--doesn't mean we are depriving them of their own feelings... for goodness sakes... I don't know any parent who has a life where Only one set of things were the only things we had the priveledge of overanalyzing... How it could be seen the one question could exclude so many complex and unrelated asspects is the same as suggesting this question means she doesn't plan to teach her child how to throw a baseball.... Bottom line is that Parenting is very complex and parents can only do their best to support our children in the process of growing up. As with all of the "sensitve" topics we are responsible to address in the process there are a wide range of ways to go about it... As we parent we face lots of milestones with our children on a huge number of equally important areas--all we can do is our best and pay attention to our children... How we respond and talk with our children also grows and changes over time--and with our relationships. Parenting is not one set of rules and the fact is parents interested in understanding how our children may resond doesn't imply we don't do this day in and day out with the ability to ALSO help our children with their Actual Feelings. The Language and words my daughter and her biological brother use with each other about all sorts of topics including adoption is different then the language they use with us their parents---and it is different then the language they use in other places.... They have different feelings from each other. Being a parent means I understand the way my words matter and because being a parent also means I understand the different needs, stages and feelings of all 4 of my kids does't mean I don't have an obligation to understand why word usage matters. Who ever said, that the obligations of being the best parent we can be equals denighing what our children feel or need is important doesn't get what parenting is all about. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Movie_lover	I am adopted. And I love it. My aunt (2nd mom) adopted me Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Torrejon	My bparents gave me away. (past tense verb) It is over for them! My aparents adopted me. (again, past tense) Again, the adoption is over for them. I AM adopted. (present continuous) I still live in the conditions imposed upon me 40+ years ago...and ain't nothing going to change that ever. p.s. I love the questions about how long does it take to adopt a child. I always answer that I will still be adopted when I die...so hopefully about 80 years. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

k4yjo	I can understand you wondering about this. When i refer to it i say 'i was adopted when i was a baby' but yes i have been know to say 'i am adopted' the terminology in that has never really crossed my mind until now. However, i was once with my Mum in a discussion with a doctor and the doctor asked my Mum if i was a difficult birth, she replied 'i don't know as she is my adopted daughter' I don't really understand why but i felt offended by that terminology even though it was perfectly sensible and what the doctor needed to know. I do not think i would have reacted like i did if she had said it in a different way like 'she was adopted so i have no details' I discussed this with my Mum and she concluded that i felt as i did because 'she is my adopted daughter' may imply that my Mum has other daughters that were not adopted (which she hasn't). Personally now i think about it i feel saying 'was adopted' is far nicer, it implies that it was something you 'became', you were 'adopted into the family' and now you are part of that family. Saying 'she is adopted' or 'i am adopted' gives the impression that you are different and always will be because of adoption, like saying 'we took her on', i don't think that is nice at all. Yes adoption is a process but it should pass, even when it does it is very hard to feel secure so these little things do matter, saying the right thing can be the difference between feeling accepted or not, and that is so important particularly for a child. On the other hand not making a huge deal of the subject at all if possible would be even better. The best a child that is adopted can feel is that no one is really aware of that, and even if they are it doesn't matter to them. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

monkeykitty83	I think it depends on the context. The adoption was a moment in time, but it also has ongoing effects. If you're talking about the past and the events surrounding how your child entered your family, "were adopted" is perfectly appropriate. However, when talking about your child's present reality, I think "are adopted" is more accurate to the truth of the situation, because it isn't something that just ends when the paper is signed. Your child will always live the reality of a person who is adopted, so "are adopted" is more appropriate in an ongoing context. Which to use depends on which part you're trying to convey at the time. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Rachael R	Only a very few people will catch how you say it, and only one or two of those people will care how you say it. I worked in hotels for a long time and it was very important what terminology was used when speaking of guests, for example: Someone is in a wheelchair: They were wheelchair accessable and not handicapped. No one really cared how you said it, except for that one person that get offended by it. I would not take it so literally. Either way he is your son, and if you are telling someone that he was/is adopted, I am sure that they understand where he came from, with out judging your presentation of the sentence. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

rachael	i use 'was' mostly-i think. i understand where you are going, but in my eyes its along the lines of saying "i was french". being adopted is a part of you. just like anything else. i dont think the author drawing parallels between terminology and a condition is a little dramatic. honestly-of all the terminology debates, i think this one is the most silly. like many of the others said "i am adopted and i was adopted" i am the same. both are true and i dont think either are more appropriate then the other. talk about splitting hairs. this is definitely not worth the stress. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

H******	OK, let me try to understand this - so I WAS adopted and somehow that was just an event in the past and we can pretend like I'm just like everyone else who was not adopted. So; Can I have my own birth certificate like every non-adopted individual then? pretty puleeeeeeeze ETA: Should I not be saying "I am married" then; but "I was married" My head hurts. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Nathan	Grammatically, adopted is a past tense verb, and so it should be said that someone was adopted. However, I don't think people should misunderstand or consider it meaningful if adoptees say instead that they are adopted. It seems they're using "adopted" as an adjective to describe themselves as people who were adopted. Adoption is a process, but possessing the attribute of being someone who was adopted is a condition. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

jeni5844@yahoo.com	i "AM" an adoptee. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

blank stare	Adoption is a condition. It affects your whole life. It colors everything. Process, condition. It doesn't matter. It is a life-long "process" if you prefer. But it's still a current process. It doesn't end simply because some book says it does. Indeed, the book you read sounds like it buys into the whole PAL/RAL garbage that we discussed on this board several weeks ago. (Positive/Respectful Adoption Language) We don't say, about someone who was raped, that they WERE a rape survivor. They ARE a rape survivor. I AM an adoptee. That past-tense nonsense simply seeks to minimize the effects of adoption on adoptees so that first parents and adoptive parents don't feel badly about it. And so that the system can keep selling babies. If you (broadly aimed) want to minimize adoption and live in a land of sunshine and rainbows, be my guest. But don't be surprised when, as the result of your dismissal, you get vitriolic answers from those you dismiss with insensitive language. ETA: If you don't like the rape analogy, then use Sunny's pickle analogy. Alternatively, I've seen some compare it to marriage. You wouldn't say you WERE a wife (while you are still married). You ARE a wife (or husband). This is not relevantly different. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

mapleleaf2	I disagree here. To say that someone was adopted implies that they are no longer adopted. Example: My son WAS adopted, but he is longer adopted. He is a "former adoptee" as he is back now, legally connected where he belongs, with his family, not his former (adoptive) family. Adult adoption basically annulled the adoption that he was sold into as an infant by a baby-broker. This is an example of "was adopted." An adoptee is an adoptee (and thus IS adopted) for the rest of their life unless they choose to annul their adoption by a court petition or by being adopted-back. So, your child IS adopted. He is still adopted and will always be your adopted child, until and unless his adoption is annulled. That is the thing about this "Positive/Respectul Adoption Language" campaign you mention, which adoption workers admit was created to "sell" and "whitewash" adoption -- it is fake and tries to portray adoption as being "just like birth." The truth is that it isn't. An adopted child will always be the natural son/daughter as well of their natural parents. Sure, adoptees have adoptive parents as well, but you can't white-wash away the adoptee's connection to the people who gave birth to them and whose bond with them may outlast years and even decades of separation. I am certain that my son's former adopters were like many adoptive parents on this board: it never occurred to them that the adoption could be only temporary. Twenty years of complete closed adoption plus all sorts of lies told to him by them didn't stop us. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Independ"ant"	I get what your saying....I guess like every other emotionally sensitive word in the English language its a matter of "political" correctness and who's feeling its addressing. I personally would only refer to "birth" and "death" in the past tense. That can only happen 1 time to a human being and not be reversed where as adoption (in general) can occur more than once throughout a lifetime (like marriage). Would it make sense to say I "was" married (in the context your referring to) when I'm currently married to the same man. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Gershom	I'm not sure what I usually say now that I read this question roflol. But I think that saying "i was adopted" sounds more appropriate now that I put some more thought into it. I guess that it all gets down to what you consider adopted. I see it as a legal event that chnged my parents. I don't see it as something that continues. I mean, i guess maybe I do, i am the legal adopted "child" now adult of my aparents, so its something that continues... hell, i dont know. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

anonymous	Being adopted was not a single event that happened in the past. I was adopted, yes...but i was still adopted at 5, at 18 and now at 41. The state of being adopted continues throughout my lifetime. I have never been, nor will ever be, the biological child of my adoptive parents...i will always be their adopted daughter...and I will always be an adoptee. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

AnnaBee	I WAS adopted. I AM an adoptee. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sunny	I am adopted. Alas, it is not something that you outgrow, and become non-adopted. It's life-altering and permanent. We're like cucumbers that have been pickled, you can never be a cucumber again. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

BOTZ	I WAS adopted and I AM adopted. I second everything Sunny said! I certainly have never been "unpickled" according to the laws of my country (USA) and state. Like it or not, being adopted IS a condition. I don't think I entirely disagree that it is very much like a disease -- I've been asked many more times what was wrong with me due to my status as an adoptee than because I have a physical disability. I hope for a CURE for both my physical condition and my legal one. I'd very much like a copy of my own original birth certificate, my own medical history...say, for the time I spent TWICE in the hospital before I was placed with my adoptive family (once the two days after I was born and once ten days AFTER I left the hospital the first time)...I'd sure like to know what THAT was about -- but I'm not entitled to know. I'd like to know what TIME I was born and WHO delivered me. But, alas, I can't have that, either. Yes, adoption today is most certainly a condition for most of us living in the US (whether adopted decades ago, like I was, or more recently). There is much that adoption practitioners, the legislative and legal systems, and adoptive parents can/could do to mitigate (ease; offer relief in) the 'condition' of being adopted...but, so far, they can't -- or won't (depending on who they are) -- UNDO it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No