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Jordanna J
Should I tell her about her husband's cheating?
Recently a co-worker confided in me that she had met a man. She’s married and he is married. She talked about how they had made out in a restaurant near where we work. I didn’t ask for his name, but she did end up telling me it and I recognized it as the dad of one of the kids who is on my son’s soccer team. I’m friendly with both he and his wife. I didn’t know for certain if it was him or not. It’s not a really common name, but I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions.

Then on Tuesday she mentioned that she’d be meeting him for a drink at the same restaurant. She asked me to walk her there since it’s on my way home. I agreed. Once we got there, she pointed through the window at him. (He wasn’t looking in our direction.) It was the man I thought it was.

I know his wife and she seems great. I feel stuck. I don’t know whether I should tell her what I know or not. I’m inclined to send her an anonymous letter so she doesn’t know it’s me, but include all the details that I know.

I just hate the thought of her being with him knowing he’s messing around on her.

What should I do?



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Kate
Rating
You could ask the question that my friends and I all used to say to each other "Hey, if your husband were cheating on you, would you want to know?"

Of course, it's better to have that understanding up front, not when he's actually cheating....

I wanted to know, personally. Hard call, I feel for you.

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Anya
Rating
Don't do anything....yet. Give her time. She'll keep meeting him and meeting him, thinking he is going to change her life. Chances are he is not going to change a thing. She'll realize what a fool she's been to be spending time with this guy and wonder what the heck she saw in him. Then she'll wonder why she ever wandered from her husband who, hopefully, will still be around. Don't do the anonymous letter....sooner or later the spouses will find out on their own. If they don't, and it's been going on and on, time to jump in and tell her what a fool she is.

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Nandina (Bunny Slipper Goddess)
I would probably have said something to your co-worker like "Hey, I know him and his wife from soccer! Small world, isn't it?"

Or say something to him at soccer (without his wife nearby) going "Did you and (co-worker's name) enjoy your drinks the other night?"

If there is someone who might tell his wife, maybe that will shake some sense into their heads.

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lisha1351
In the situation I think that you should ask yourself if you would want to know if your husband is cheating on you. But if you don't know the wife that well then that could be a problem. There really isn't a tactful way to say "hey, your husband is cheating on you". but maybe they've been having problems in their marriage. You would feel so bad if this goes on for years without her knowing about it. But I think that you should wait a few weeks and if your co-worker says that the affair is still continuing you probably should just send an anonymous letter.

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LeeAnn2010
maybe not just straight up tell her, throw hints.
when she catches on then help her catch him in the act. but dont get caught helping because then all will hate you.

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isaac
Rating
Whoa whoa whoa now that could destroy their marriage. Maybe talking to the husband would be a better idea and reasoning things with him.

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Beach Girl
Rating
I know this will be hard for you, because a part of you wants to tell the wife, but the OTHER part of you that asked first...that is the smart part! Please don't tell her. Take it from "the wife" ...(me) she already knows something is wrong, and she is trying her best to ignore the signs that her own little voice is saying. She does not need to be humilated by having an acquaintance tell her something like that about her husband. By doing so, you will force her to make a decision that she may not be "ready" to make. She will find out, but please don't let it be by you...she will resent you, for making her face something that is beyond horrible right now. Let her save face a little while longer, gain some strength for the inevitable...she will need it.

Just tell your co-worker friend that you know the husband AND his wife and you want no part of their affair. She'll feel guilty for ever involving you...and she may be a little more discreet from now on around you. She may also tell her 'lover' that you know and he will be forced to have a talk with his wife out of sheer fear or at least break off his not so secret fling...which will do him some good too.

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sarah B
a letter is a good idea... go for it...SB

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...
If I were you go out with her (The man's wife) As this question and made up it was someone else( not involving her or her husband), see if she would tell the guys wife, if she does then tell her the truth!!! If her conclution she won't tell, cause it's not her business, then let it be, let her husband cheat on her, as if she knew a friend that cheat on her friend's husband, she won;t tell!!!

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greatestmomof4
Rating
I think if it were me in your shoes I would rather mention things in passing to him in front of her. You know .. like.... Hey didn't I see you the other day at...........! Or was that your sister I saw you with the other day at............. You know what I mean? He'll freak out. Or you might want to just go right up to him and tell him that girl his seeing is your co-worker and that your not going to tell his wife as long as he knocks it off or tell her himself. But I like the first idea better.. make him sweat.

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bssd12000
This kind of thing is always tricky. If you say anything you will be seen as the bad guy no matter what. If you say nothing the same thing will happen. So... perhaps if you know they are going to be meeting somewhere you could ask the wife out to lunch and allow her to see for herself. Or if you are at a soccer game and the dad and the wife are there you could ask How is so and so?
You could send the anonymous letter but it is easily refuteable. So I would think of a way to go out with the wife on a known day at the known location and let her see for herself. That way you are not the bad guy in anyway.

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mosaic
Rating
Hmmm tough call since you really don't know their situation. HOWEVER.. I'd want to know.

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¸.•*´`*♥ GODEZZ ♥*´`*•.¸
Rating
if you and this lady are close or even friends then maybe you should plant the seed and let it grow onit's own let her know you saw him with another women at a bar

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grandma
Depends how well you know them. If you were bosom buddies with her, I would say to him: you have 24hrs to tell her what you're up to, or I will tell her. If you just happen to be an acquaintance, Then it's not your business to interfere. You don't know if they have an arrangement that they have an open marriage or they each do their own thing and stay together because of the children. When it comes to the relationship of two people you know well could land you in a hot seat, It's even worse when you don't really know them. BEWARE of self righteousness!

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banks
Rating
If it were you, wouldn't you want to know? Send an anonymous letter providing common meeting places and just enough details to let her check up on it and see it for herself. The only downside is how their child might be affected. But know that it is the husband's doing for the cheating and not yours for telling.

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Tsunami
well lets see it s going to hurt. but yes she needs to know. a letter would be best but i hope you don't get into middle of it.

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brendacott
Rating
Letter at least. Doing in person never seems to work out. Put the thought into her head and let her follow up on it. It will make her think she figured it out on her own.
Good for you for being a great person and wanting to help.

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Maz
Rating
I think you should tell!!!!

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Miles Edgeworth
Rating
balh blah blah yes u should

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Jadeca
Rating
Do not involve yourself in anyway. That is between the two of them chances are she may know her husband is that way or would be really embarrassed by knowing sometimes it's best not to know. I wouldn't want to know. She probably would not believe you unless you had proof. Steer clear from the drama.

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Jules
I would want to.
I mean if you put yourself in her shoes,
you'd want to know.

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realchineseprincess
Rating
So why this married woman tell you all this? doesn't she shameless of cheating her own husband? why not you tell her husband first, let her husband tells the other wife. ;) Maybe they will have "wife swape".

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star_surfer84
Rating
This is always a tough decision, but really, the answer lies with what seems right to you.

Many will argue that it's not your business, especially if you're not friends with the guy's wife. Others would say, if I was the wife, and someone knew, I would want to be told. Then questions arise about the kids, and the employee rapport afterwards, etc.

But you know what, there is something more important than all of that. Obviously, the guy's a jerk. There were probably signs pointing that out, but that's what "love" does, right? She was blinded by the light and such.

I would find some way to tell her. (Know that there are "social" consequences for doing so though.) Whether it's anonymously or not. How horrible for her and their children, but ignorance is not bliss in my opinion.

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Lexy Lou Who
if your husband was cheating on you, you'd want to know, correct? i think you know what the right thing to do is.

i agree, an anonymous letter is a good idea, might not be as effective because she might think it's coming from an unreliable source. however, it will still spark suspicion and the wife may be able to find on her own that her husband is in fact cheating. if you notice this still happening, i would confront the mans wife.

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need_2shop
Rating
tell her but write the anonymous letter, except I would be concerned if your co-worker could trace it back to you, since she has talked to you about this, because you have to co-exist @ work, and don't use your hand writing...but yes I would say something. And if you tell the wife to her face then you will forever be the "woman who had a part in destroying a marriage" only through your honesty but still.

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kater333
Rating
I would confront the husband first. Tell him you know whats going on and tell him he needs to talk to his wife. My sister's husband just cheated on her and her friends knew but didn't tell her. She was very hurt that no one clued her in.

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razzyandmax
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If you were the wife, would you want to know if your husband was cheating? Therein lies the answer.

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Roman G
Rating
yeah tell her

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*TERI*
Rating
i would! what if that lady has std's or something and he gives it to his wife!!!

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momontheedge
Rating
My gut says stay out my heart says send the letter.

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Sophiesmom
Nope I would stay out of it...

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