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 Do you think that a man who cheats on his wife (or girlfriend) is not really happy with his other?
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tara
My wife thinks im cheating?..im not?
While working away i got taken to a 'dodgy' bar by workfriends. While there a woman started chatting to me. Being polite i bought her a drink and we had some chit chat. I never told my wife i was there as she would have been upset. A few weeks later i get request from woman to be friend on facebook. Stupidly i accepted her. I denied knowing her to my wife as to save a row. A little later a mate sends another msg asking if the woman had found me yet as she told him she wanted to see me again. I said i had not heard, but had he. My wife saw msg and started asking Qs. I denied it all to save a row. She emailed my friend and asked what was going on. Friend (a female) told my wife everything. She knew all this as her husband had told her the story. After tht i came clean and told her everything. She now does not believe me and thinks something is going on. I explained cicustances of why i was there and about this woman and she is thinking of kicking me out. I am still abroad and dont know what to do. At the time i saw nothing wrong in my actions but now know they were wrong and i feel guilty for upsetting my wife.

Please advise



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Mojojo
Rating
If the female friend told your wife 'everything' then it should match up with what you have told her. If that's the case it would be strange that your wife does not believe you, she must not believe the friend either then. Perhaps the stories are a little different. In which case yes, it would be natural to be suspicious!

She needs reassuring that you would never cheat on her, have never cheated on her (?) and that if you were aware that this situation would have been such an issue for her that you would not do the same thing again in the same position.

Cease contact with the other woman on facebook. Reject her friend thing with the message: I am happily married, my wife does not wish me to have any contact with you, and as she is the most important person in my life I support that. Nothing personal.

How would you react if the situation was reversed?

As others have said, frequently people are th most sensitive about, and react the most severely to things that they do not like about themselves, so perhaps the trust issue comes more from the way she behaves, and expects that you would behave the same.

PS: buying flowers and all that implies a degree of guilt. Unless you buy her flowers all the time anyway 'just because you love her'

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KiarasLilMomma
Rating
Mistake 1 - You shouldve been honest and made sure she was ok with you going to a "dodgy" bar

Mistake 2 - You bought this girl a drink and chit-chat. You gotta act like your married or at least tell the girl your married and dont cheat

Mistake 3 - You have a facebook

Facebook and all those little profiles only cause drama. Im not trying to be mean but delete the stupid thing. Is it really worth causing your wife's insecurities? Dont cheat on her like some people suggest. I'm the same way as your wife. Open your eyes and see how she wants to be treated and treat her that way.
It hurts a million times worse to hear it from someone else especially when shes probably wishing you were honest with her like her friends husband. It may have been innocent but you made her look like a fool by showing your friends you have no problem buying strange women drinks at the bar.

Dont use your wifes account to show remorse if thats what your doing.

Experience, I left my husband because he hit me but I stayed separated because he always lied about stupid stuff (never cheated, we were always together). I was sick of wondering if he was telling the whole story or not.

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rpetch007
Rating
mate best way to fix this is to let your wife see you remove all the face book contact you have.. then she could forgive you.. buy her lots of flowers and a big box of chcos .. and send them to her quick.. mate i hope it works ..

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nikedude
Rating
just show her how much u love her and care about her and ur relationship. and make sure that she knows that. if there is enough trust in ur relationship then she should forgive you....buy her some roses and like get on ur knees and like beg for her forgiveness.

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Kayla Day
There is no real way. You just have to tell her, you aren't cheating on her and you wouldn't do that. And that she has to trust you. If she can't do that, you just have to keep showing her that she can. It is her insecurity that is making her think you are cheating, probably not you. She may have had a lot of boyfriends in the past cheat on her. See so many women in this world get cheated on many times over again and they hear the same things from their spouses/loved ones I would never do that to you I love you to much and then the next guy comes along and says the same thing and it continues on and on. Also do not ever say if you keep saying it I will. I have been there and before my husband cheated on me and left me for another I used to accuse him all the time but now I don't because I know I can survive without him and do not need hin to survive. So I sometimes think I used to accuse because I was so unsecure about myself and that I needed him and not just wanted him that I thought he would, Well he did but as they call it it was the "quarter life crisis" which noone talks about until actually occurs but men tend to wonder and leave thinking the grass is greeneron the other side, but quickly realize it is not and it is actually harder to start the lawn over again, anyway, that is why women tend to be insecure because this world has taught us, either by previous relations or seeing it happen to others that it happens and it makes it hard for us to deal especially if we have it good, really good we do not want to loose it to someone who think either looks better is better or would be better. So just don't give up her things will eventually change with time, every women feels this way when things are serious and good it is just how it will be but it will lessen and lessen with time, I promise!

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Fake Bean bin Laden
tara....if you can't live with your husband's behavior just ask for a divorce, i think he would be more than glad to do so

if you can't live without him, you should love him much much more despite the affair that you know off, the prostitute he partonized...to win him back, continuing spying just won;t help, the more you spy, the more you discover, that won;t make you any happier unless you want to make a claim in your divorce file

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Angela B
Rating
Well as a woman in the SAME boat....... good luck.
My husband just sent these prov emails to the people on my list and I dont know how to deal with it.
All I can say is that I hope you are not going through the same nightly "tell me" that I am.
And hold true to yourself. Good luck

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Kayleigh
Rating
Wow- call your travel agent if you can afford it and take her away for a VERY special romantic weekend. One where the only decisions she has to make is what lingerie to bring and how long to spend at the spa and whether to have pink or dry champagne delivered with room service.

Even though you are only guilty of being a nice guy, circumstantial evidence has not swung your way on this one. You sound like a really genuine guy. Hope all works out.

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Armand
The only way is, tell the women you met that you are married, and hopefully you can tell the women to tell your wife that there is nothing going on between you two,

or

Have a serious private chat with your wife and tell her that the women you met is just a friend, and be serious.

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Ap
You should definitely get rid of the woman on facebook and never speak of her again unless your wife brings it up. Offer to talk about it with her show her you are willing to do anything to stay with her and that you love her and no one else. If she still wants to kick you out talk about going to relation therapy or if you cant afford that meeting with some friends and trying to work through it. You just have to make sure she knows how much you love her and that you love on one other than her. Make her feel special apologize for even keeping it from her and tell her that you know your actions were wrong. That is all you can do.

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Jessa
Rating
show her this. you obviously care a lot to tell everyone here your story. and you apologized to us when you should be apoligizing to her. make her see that you deleted her on myspace or that you message the other woman saying that you are happily married. let her see that you are doing everything you can to prove to her that absolutely nothing is going on.

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pops
What you did was lead the other woman on and gave her the impression you were interested in her. You may have done this innocently but you look guilty. It's hard to "put the Genie back in the bottle", so to speak, so now you have go out of the way to make this up to your wife. Hopefully, you're coming home for the Holidays. GOOD LUCK!

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joe12312312312312312312312312312
Rating
if you felt it was not wrong why did you lie in the first place dumb dumb? there was your first mistake, just hanging out with her is no big deal... but when you lie you make yourself look guilty, really nothing you can do to prove its not true, just hope she loves you enough to trust what you say... DONT LIE ANYMORE ESP. IF UR FRIENDS ARE TOO DAMN STUPID AND POST IT ON A FACEBOOK EVERYONE CAN READ!!

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anancybrown
Rating
don't communicate with that woman from the bar anymore. Try to re-assure your wife in whatever way you can think of. Do nice things for her (but not too nice or she might get more suspicious), maybe even just letting her know where you go all the time and spending extra time with her will help.

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lespaul_73
Rating
You shouldn't even be on Facebook!!!

Facebook's for girls!!!

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J
First of all you should have been honest with her from the beginning. Second of all you shouldnt have bought her a drink or talked to her knowing that it was going to upset your wife. Of course she is going to think somethings going on because you werent honest from the start. My advise is apologize sincerely over and over again, beg for her forgiveness and tell her that you will never hide something from her again. Good luck!

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poveda1@sbcglobal.net
Rating
In the first place you really should of told your wife that you were there in the first place. Sometimes we get worried. Why would you even buy a drink for a girl in the first place, when your MARRIED? I know you just wanted to be polite and chit chat but thats kinda wrong. If that woman found you on facebook and your wife saw, just explain to her. A lot of girls would think the same that you have been cheating. Thats good you came and told her everything, but you did you really tell her every detail? did your friends wife tell her every detail you told her? You see if a woman finds something out from someone else and you confess and tell her everything, but miss something that the other person told her, she might be confused. If she doesn't believe you do you really think its a strong relationship? To actually have a strong relationship you need trust. Is she trusting you with this? NO. So you just need to tell her that your sorry and that you'll never do it again. If she doesn't understand give her some time. Do whatever it takes for her to trust you. Why would your own wife want to kick you out? Does she really love you? .. think about it.

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Logan B
first of all your not helping urself by buying girls drinks second of all you dont do urself any kinda justice by trying to defend ur case on yahoo answers where ppl like my self have nothing to do but bash ppl like ur self kind sir. so its o fact o stop cheating u foreign butthole

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girl
Tell the woman you met at the bar your married, and don't want her to contact you again. After that, ignore her attempts, if she keeps trying.

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J'Adore.<3
Rating
I can't agree more on what John said.

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gwu 4th year sophmore
Rating
waait ur names tara??

hmmm sounds fishy

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flgirl21
I would think you are cheating too if i were in your wife's place. This will work out if your wife is willing to hear you out and work on things, but its a 50/50 chance. you should always be up front so you dont get caught up in situations like this.Good luck

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mish p
to me cheating is doing something that you would not do if your partner was there. so you have to ask yourself would I have given this woman my details if my wife was present . the answer to that is probably a NO. I think you were flattered by the attention and continued to seek out more of the attention. You need to come clean to your wife and tell it like it is. Explain to her you understand how it looks and how betrayed she probably feel and let h er know it will never happen again. Also contact this woman and tel her you are happily married nad you do not want her to contact you any more as doing this is upsetting to your wife who is more important than anything

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Nicole F
Well, you have to put yourself in her shoes. Would you think it was suspicious also? Especially since you covered it up. You need to explain to your wife the reasons you hid it. Admit your faults& hopefully she will come around. I hope everything works out for you. Nicole

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tossie
Rating
Isn't tara a girls name, or a place in Ireland.
Anyway, your wife is feeling very hurt, and let down at the moment. Your just going to have to take all she throws at you, you messed up, now pay the piper.

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♥ CommaGirl ♥
- Let her have all your passwords so she can check things out for herself for awhile.
- Don't lie to her again
- Suck up to her for awhile. Understand when she gets paranoid, don't angry.

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no name
Why would you buy another woman a drink? you denied it because it was wrong! I would kick you out too! good for her. You are dishonest.
How would that woman know your full name and able to find you on facebook. Poor wife, I wish i could call her and tell her how horrible you are!

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aschwendler
Rating
Explain that to her not to us, but more importantly, why did you feel a need to lie to your wife? Don't you remember the saying you heard as a child? Honesty is the best policy? It's true.

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moonglow
Rating
what you did is wrong.

you flirted with her in a bar
then you tried to hide it from your wife
the she tries to contact you, you accepted
when she was trying to find you, you were interested
and again you tried to hide this from your wife.

what did you intend to do with this girl anyways?
obviously not nothing.

you were bad.

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asaucygal
Rating
Twice in your post you say, "I denied it, all to save a row.." Lesson learned going forward -- tell the truth. Nothing sets a partner's antennae waving than a whiff of insincerity, or "denying" as you say.

Trust is built over time and so easily shattered. BE HONEST. If you think it is going to cause a row... then be willing to go to the mat, telling the truth.

You need to take steps to rebuild. Delete the troublemaking woman from your facebook. Talk to your "mate" and tell him that you are taking time to repair your relationship, and please bug out, and do not mention "that woman" again in any correspondence. Finally, give your wife the attention she deserves. Go home as soon as possible, sooner the better. Ask forgiveness. Admit you were wrong. Hardest words to say are "I was wrong". Say it. Mean it.

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CHos3n
You are so Toast!. You thought to avoid a a row, you say it what twice..oh please! you were only thinking of yourself! You're still only thinking of yourself! Grow up, take responsibility for your actions, stop hiding and living in wishful magic thinking (that my actions don't hurt anyone!)

Stop all contact with anyone but your wife. Don't ever do it again. Keep the vows you spoke to her and her alone. Think! Act responsibly. You're a grown up now! No more wishing on a star and pray she takes you back or keep playing Peter Pan and never grow up!

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