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Tanya T
Is creating an online dating profile, while married, considered cheating?
My husband who's serving overseas made an online dating profile to meet Russian women. I found out and I'm extremely angry and hurt. Sometimes I feel like it's not a big deal, but other times I feel I could divorce him for his betrayal. He even sent an email to some Russian woman asking to talk to her and telling her how gorgeous she is...meanwhile, I'm here constantly trying to make life easier for him. I stay up at all hours chatting with him (even though I'm a career woman myself), I send him a package twice a month (sometimes more), I send him messages/emails/offline IM's keeping him up to speed on what I'm doing, I write him a letter every night...yet his excuse for making this online profile and emailing this woman is because he felt "disconnected" from me. How would you feel? What would you do?



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♥redrose♥
Rating
that is cheating, u should talk to him about it

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Lily
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Does he know you know? I would tell him that you know then stop all communication with him. Unless he begged for me to take him back (and deleted that account) I would divorce the jerk. He is immature if he needs his ego stroked so much.

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Christopher
it's hard to have a relationship that far away and i can see why hes doing it but it doesnt make it right at all. you are married and he should respect that and love you
i would confront him about it and see, he may have just been curious but i dont know why he would do it

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Star
Rating
I'm so so so sorry, but yes it is cheating. He is probably feeling lonely, but he has to be stronger than this. I guess I am wondering how you found out about this. Because depending on how you found out would depend on how serious this is. Did he tell you?

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starcheckered
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I recently found out that my boyfriend (of two years) & hopefully my future husband had set up many accounts like this telling people he wanted to meet them/they were so sexy/wanted to have sex with them etc. Immediately, I was very hurt. I left him in the middle of the night & refused to talk to him for days thinking he had cheated on me & given me who knows what kind of STDs. However, when I finally talked to him he explained that he only did it because the thought of it excited him, not because he would ever follow through with it & more specifically because he had no desire to follow through with it. I told him it bothered me & asked him to stop & he agreed. I've checked his email since & he has stopped.

Although a little different, the moral of this story is that sometimes men do really stupid things. No, I don't think it's cheating, but yes I think it's wrong & very hurtful for whatever the reason. I'm saying that I hope your husband doesn't intend to meet this woman but felt like something in your relationship was lacking & he wanted nothing more than a self-esteem booster from this woman. Maybe he didn't intend to get anything more from it ever then to just feel closer to a woman, or maybe it makes him feel dirty because he knows he shouldn't be doing it & that's why he did it.
I would talk to him before completely overreacting like I did & maybe keep some tabs on him. If he doesn't understand why this hurt you or didn't care, then it might be time to take more drastic steps.

I hope this helps you! Feel free to email me or anything if you'd like to talk to me more.

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Carlissa
Yea, I would probably consider that cheating and his 'excuse' was pathetic.

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Deana M
Rating
He wants to hook up with someone else. It's definitely an act of betrayal. What a creep, he's the one disconnecting himself from you and making excuses for it.

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lucky
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Adultery begins with the first thought. He is not being faithful to you in his thoughts. This kind of behavior leads to adultery. He should stop it completely and spends his leisure time writing you letters begging forgiveness. Not a good situation. You sound like a wonderful woman. Sorry he doesn't see it! Perhaps he will in time. Good Luck.

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Mpeg4
Yes. He blew it and doesn't value his commitment anymore. You know what to do.

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d101wigirl
file for divorce
hes ovbiliously not happy
and un loyal
move on
theres better for you.

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luiscarlos87
i would feel betrayed and getting an online dating profile wont help the situation. just confront him about it....is he still overseas? Well if he is, u can send him mail of the print outs of all the things he wrote to that woman. That way he'll feel bad about it overseas.

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kathc1989
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yell at him. express all ur anger. make him realise how hurt u are and how betrayed u feel. demand he takes down the profile. if he doesnt follow thru with divorce.

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nm
Marriage is a lot of work especially if your deployed.
He cheated on you emotionally which is worse then just sex.
It means more that he toke the time and thought everything out before hand. This wasn't him just getting drunk and making a mistake. He did this on purpose. You have a job yourself being home with so much time thinking, worrying and taking care of your home that you share together. Crying yourself to sleep because you miss him. Paying the bills and making sure he has nothing to worry about here at home so he can pay attention to being safe over there. Plus it sounds like you get an A+ for your care packages. You have two choices. 1. Leave him when he comes back. 2. Go to counseling together. If he's doing that over there then what is he going to do when he gets back and has more time on his hands and more options? You can't babysit him. Life happens when we don't want it too.
I'm sorry.

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ryguy1980
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yes my wife said she did it just for kicks until i found out it was getting physical when she would say i need to go hang out with friends and found out who when and were she was doing it.

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elle
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yes it's cheating. i'd kick his *** and actually divorce him. he's probably doing someone while he's over there anyway/

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tammee
It's what lays in your heart. If your heart knows it isn't quite right, it's still cheating.
Thought = action!!

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Chris M
It's technically not cheating if he hasn't had any sexual contact with them, or said anything to them sexually. my advice is he sounds like he's just trying to do something while he's gone away from you. but he's made the wrong choice the next part is up to you.

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Mommy08
Rating
um yes!!! Cheating and vey stupid. Sounds to me like you need to ditch him and move on to somebody who is local and who will love you. Why would he create a dating profile if he isnt dating?? good luck hun!

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Lioness
I would feel incredibly betrayed. Ask him about this "disconnected" thing. It doesn't sound like he feels you have disconnected from him, but that he has disconnected from you. This is one of those situations I could just scream about, when someone tells me about those "poor military troops" overseas. Yes, he has every intention to cheat. If this was my husband, I would probably let him know I was filing for divorce so he could pursue all the Russian women he wants without worrying about the "little lady" back home. He doesn't want the responsibility of being married right now.

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khuan_khuan
Rating
That is half cheating. Why does your husband need to create a profile in such a website in the first place? As you mentioned, you chat with him daily, send him stuff, etc etc... And yet he feels disconnected? Isn't it just his lame excuse? People join the dating website to seek for companionship. Your husband is definitely going that way.

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Nichole
Wow, that is cheating! Do not buy his lame excuse of feeling "disconnected"!

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erv_man1
He sounds like an idiot and you probably should dump him, but wait until he gets back...Dear Johns are rough on soldiers.

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domesticgoddess
Why are you wasting your time being married to this BOY? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings at all. The fact that he even admits that he's doing this is even more disgusting than the fact that he did it.

Does he think jealousy is a good starting point for a relationship? He's messed up. So what if he's overseas. You're his wife. That means you deserve respect. And what you just described is NOT respect. It's abuse.

Stop sending him lettters. Stop sending him packages. And DO NOT answer his IMs. Stop being a wife, because He is certainly not your HUSBAND any more.

He says he felt, "disconnected" from you? I recognize that line...It's called a horrible EXCUSE. (you even called it that!) Re-read your original question. The answer is already within your letter.

I do not CONSIDER him to be cheating, honey. HE IS IS IS cheating.
File the divorce paperwork tomorrow.

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Pete Zahut
Why would you create an online dating profile in the first place?

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silly penguin
Yes, you obviously aren't creating a dating profile to stay extra faithful to your lover.

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Amy
Rating
In my books that is cheating.

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MD
dont stay sad
divorce him if you dont have kids cuz thats cheating dude

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Johnnie B
He has no right to create an online profile, the fact that his mind is wondering else ware shows his true character. I was in the military and to find a woman that stands behind her husband like you do is really hard to come by (especially during a deployment). You're a good woman and move on to someone who appreciates you. When he realizes those Russian women won't be there for him, he'll come crawling back.

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ito
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YES!

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ForbiddenFruit
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Um yeah I would say that I would feel cheated on..

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Pete
Rating
Creating the profile is not in and of itself cheating. If he had done it as a joke with some buddies, and if he was completely detached and ignoring any responses that came of it, it would simply be a bad joke in very poor taste.

However, that's not the core of the problem; that's just the outer shell. The intention to use it to meet women, the fact that he is actually corresponding with women, telling them that he is attracted to them, that is emotional betrayal and yes, it's a form of cheating.

If you felt there was distance between the two of you, and if you wanted to get rid of that distance, would you go to a singles bar and tell some stranger that he's attractive, or would you do things with and for your husband to let him know that you're thinking about him? You're already sending him pieces of "home" life and you're spending time with him whenever you can, so that's not really even a question. The fact is, he's cheating, he knows you're upset about it, but he continues it anyway. If he weren't half-way around the world, I would suggest couples counseling, and I bet you one of those care packages he would blow a gasket and refuse.

In your shoes, I would feel betrayed. I would feel hurt. My self-confidence would be shaken, and even if I were able to control the urge, somewhere deep down inside I'd want to lash out at him. My only advice, if you feel anything like that, is don't lash out at him. From your words, you've managed to carry on with an impressive level-headed maturity. The title of your thread here suggests you question your own judgment before you question his, which says volumes. But do not confuse his hormones and bad excuses with actual reason. Do not let him pawn this off as your fault.

So the real question is, what is at stake and how much do you really want to keep it? Even if you get through this, there will be a road to recovery and when you tell him "no, I do trust you," the words will ring false in your ears for a little while because trust is something hard-won, and he doesn't seem to mind losing it all that much, which is a downright shame.

A hormonal guy is like a wild animal, so "how would you feel if I..." types of questions can go either way, causing him to realize what a jerk he is being, or else causing him to sink deeper into his misdeeds, which could answer your question for you. I don't know him, and I'm not sure I'd want to, so how you approach this is up to you. Just remember ... this is something he is doing, not you, and the fact that you recognize a problem is part of a solution, not part of the problem.

Take care of yourself, and ping me if you need a sounding board.

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