How do I communicate with my husband better?

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gg	First, you are a perfect candidate for counseling. That way you have a "mediator" to intervene in the dynamics of your conversations, and when one of you says something wrong, the counselor will talk about it. I don't know if you have already heard this, but using "I" when you speak is a good step. Don't say things like "You always do _____"...or "You never _____"..... Try to use this type phrase: "I notice that you _____......when you do this, I feel _______." Try not to make him responsible for your feelings, although it can be difficult. He just says and does what he does....you actually choose to feel and react the way you do. Try not to inject emotion into the conversation. It is possible he is uncomfortable with crying or emotions, which could just be something from his upbringing, or just a guy thing. Did the two of you communicate before you got married? Things seem to change after a while, but that doesn't mean you can't change them again. I received a great tip from my great grandmother: Before you get married, use a magnifying glass. After you get married, use blinders (the things that we put on horses eyes to keep them from noticing everything around them). Of course, it doesn't help to ignore everything, but sometimes we can get caught up in very small, picky details about our spouses that we wouldn't have noticed before marriage. Try to have a more relaxed attitude, and try not to BLAME. Another tip I received was "Men enter marriage hoping their women never change, and they always do....Women enter marriage hoping that their husbands change, and they never change." Think about the things you loved about your hubby before you got married. It is likely that you have turned these very things into reasons for hating him. Good luck! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

wittlewabbit	let him sit and listen to you even if you have to tie him to a chair...LOL...Im kidding...look him in the eye and tell him that..I think he will listen Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Alan C	You are obviously aware you have choices from the other answers. The environment in which you try to have these conversations is very important. Don't try to change him in one leap. Start with something small, and celebrate your successes. This is a long process that may bring him around. Understand that his behavior has deeper roots. If he doesn't respond then ask that he attend professional help with you (counseling). If he rejects this then your decision's get harder. Good luck. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

jane l	Wow, he sounds like a stonewaller who has problems dealing with his own feelings. Why not have a glass of wine and chat about your day? Some other drugs help bond too.--Sounds like he's in desperate need of a breakthrough. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

GatorBait	To communicate with me, everyone knows not to bother me on my way to work. If you need to talk to me, it has to be after work. Maybe there is a time he perfers to have family business or serious stuff talked out. Another rule is when I'm serious, there's no jokes! Fun is for fun time. When I am serious about something, I don't play. I also don't take teasing at all! You need to establish ground rules and work within them. Tell him your style and learn his! I could not have married someone who did not take my concerns seriously. And before you think I am just some serious obssessed tombstone face, I am a comedian. That's why I say fun is for fun time. After fun, I get serious again. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mz. New Orleans	Its time to move on. find a friend you can conversate with, and when he see that he,ll sit and talk then if he doesn't wanna lose you ok sweetie holla at me and let me know what happen when you tried this ok. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

DarkChylde	Hi. I'm experiencing the exact same thing too. I really don't know why it happens being the fact that we've been dating for 7 years before we decided to tie the knot and he seems to be a good listener then. Most of the time it leaves me in utter frustration and despair. To other answerers, I dun think she talks about being mad and sad all the time. I believe she talks about hopes and dreams and future and plans and maybe finances as well. Believe me, it can be pretty frustrating when you dun really get the kind of response you expect. I dun have a solution for you (yet). I truly feel what you feel. If you happen to get a good answer for this, please let me know. Meanwhile, I will keep trying and searching and will let you know too. Keep in touch (if you want). God Bless. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

BabeBabe	Maybe you should start by saying good things about him and your relationship. Try to say the negative points in a constructive way and whenever you come with a problem try to think of a possible solution for it first. Good Luck Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

esteban	Maybe you ought to limit it to one or two things a week. He might be able to listen more to fewer problems... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sassy lady	have a nice candlelight dinner and kick it with him when he is at ease. Or I ususally email mine and put something that will catch his attention in the subject box. Men don't like to talk when you are emotional because they don't understand why..... My husband always say to me when he want to talk and I explain I feel the same way... "Oh, it's not the same". Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

beatle102092	try asking him how his day was or how work was. then say well my day was....... or mabey try to bring other subjects up that he likes, like sports or his favorite baseball team and then bring up your day Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

flugelberry	I happen to know that men hate hearing the words: ... You never... or ... you always... Don't generalise. If you have a specific grievance then state it and say you want his help to solve it. It may well happen that he is not qualified to fix whatever the matter is. Remember he is your husband and he deserves a loving wife. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

ck	It sounds as if you have attempted to communicate with him. I believe we all know what we need to do even when we don't want to face it. Not knowing yours or his circumstances it would be difficult to make a suggestion. Sometimes it is good to vent to a close friend who will actually listen. I know if "I" were ignored for no reason and there was nothing I could do about it I would reassess my relationship and what my needs and wants are. I hope it gets better for you and remember if you have to do what the best is for YOU. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

JistheRealDeal	I can see how upset living with someone like that can be. It is obvious he lacks basic communication skills and/or is not concerned about you which is very disheartening. I am not married yet, but I can definitely see the situation you are in. My dad has no idea how to communicate in personal situations and saw it growing up. His lack of attention and care in effectively communicating has caused more than a few fights between mom. Joking around, being sarcastic with real issues, and ignoring is a quick way to create negative pent up feelings in the other partner. Write a letter and/or seek marriage counseling. It is the only way to get through to people like this. Good Luck Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Dave	Guys respond better to a direct, to-the-point question or synopsis of a problem. In my understanding (ladies, don't bash me on this), women prefer to take the scenic route when discussing an issue. Guys focus on the problem and how to solve it, ladies focus on recreating how the problem felt. Guys also aren't good at mental hints. Try to tell him what you want him to do about it. Cut down on some of the fluff if he doesn't appear to be interested. I bet he really is, but he's having a hard time focusing in on what exactly you're saying to him. Get a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It might help. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

waterlily3422	Talk to him in a sweet manner. Just sit down and chit chat. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

aloneathome	Good luck...If you figure that out please let me know...In my situation the conversation his all about him I can't get a work in hardly, so I know how you feel..Again good luck! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

rockismom	do you go to church? my husband I go to church and we have a ministry in the prison and in the church with young people, we also are starting a bike ministry, we use to didn't talk much until he found out his calling was with the prison ministry etc. now I can't keep him quite. I guess what I am saying is find out what his best interest are and start with if it is sports try getting involved with watching with him then you will have something to talk about Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Pops	I find it odd that, as far as I can tell, there was only a couple of answers from MEN. Most all the Ladies have their ideas about how to get men to talk.....but do they really? FIRST and NOT least.....please know that men and women are NOT the same. MEN are made entirely different from WOMEN. You need to understand that. Men DO NOT like to sit down, after a hard day of grind and hear, problems, problems, problem, I hurt, my head hurts my my my my. Do you ever ask him how he feels or what he did today? Of course he will probably say, "I feel fine" and "good" to those two answers. Men do not communicate like or about things that women do. When you accept the fact that HE is different from YOU and not just because SOCIETY made him that way, you will begin to understand and accept him like he is. Can YOU speak HIS language? By this, is YOUR language limited to ME, HOME, KIDS, MEDICINE an such? Those kinds of things may not be in HIS language as much as SPORTS, WORK and such. Maybe he thinks you are invading his space when he is trying to "kick back and relax" from the rigors of a man's day fighting the world. Good luck. Pops Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

VNCGirl	I have to agree with Strawberry. If I plant my husband down for a session of deep talk, he soon starts to stare into space or just mumbles "uh huh." However, if I shoot a question at him when we are making dinner or playing with the dogs or doing some other activity, he's much more responsive. Apparently, when he goes to watch TV that is his relaxing time and he is zoning out and doesn't want to communicate. I have to get him at times that are good for him - like the next day after he has had amazing sex. I used to think this wasn't fair, however, I have learned that I get more of what I need by giving him what he needs first. So, figure out the times that your man is open to communication, even if they are small, and build on that. Go slowly and don't bombard him with every little thought in your mind. Be okay with him not knowing each tiny thought you have - that's what girlfriends are for. Good luck. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

wintersimjp	I had this problem with my husband until i went back to college. I had to take a communications class and it had helped me a great deal. An important thing to remember when you are trying to tell someone how you are feeling....is to own your own feelings. Instead of telling your husband "you make me so angry" tell him " when you do this, I get angry". It is your choice to get mad/upset over a situation, it is not his fault nor yours when the other person decides how to react. This also prevents the other person from being defensive instead of actually listening to you. Another thing to think about is when he responds to you. He may still get defensive and come back with some retort, but if he is actually talking to you it is important to actually "hear" what he is saying and not picking a comment out and mentally working on your response to it....because you will be missing something in the conversation. This little exercise has also helped me communicate on a day to day basis with my husband about things that we do not have in common. And learning that I own my own feelings have also helped me understand that my husband or my children are not at fault for how I am reacting to what they are doing. Learning to not be a historian is great too, if it happened a month ago...you have already moved past it and it is best to leave it there. Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you...hopefully he will learn from your example. Unfortunatly these things do not change for the better over night. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

wayouthere	Writing a letter is a good thing. Read the book " how can I get through to you". It's a good tool in communication with men. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

ronnny	Man ain't yall got lots to say bout us. Some is pretty good. First off we have a one or two track mind. This isn't 8-track tape time. Some times like said I need one thing to take my mind off another or at least make it not be on the front track. For example the radio while playing video games. While working in the yard i can answer your question cause I am not think so much about what you are asking i am just saying the answer. I can careless about most of the details of your day so just let me know good bad and a simple why. Any more tell your sis or girl friend. We make jokes about problems at work all day to deal with things and this comes home with us sorry. Be happy if it is something where we are not offending you to intensioinally hurt your feelings. If you help do something then it is easier to talk and work. Do not stand around my tv or work on my own project time like i am not supose to have my own time. You have yours. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Cute But Evil	He sounds like my husband....some men seem to lack the capacity to empathize with how we feel. They lack sensitivity and only want to see things from their own narrow minded perspectives....My husband likes to make jokes out of things when I am feeling very depressed because he somehow thinks that will improve things. I have told him that that only makes things worse because I feel like he isn't taking me seriously. The best thing I can suggest is to try a marriage counselor. That is what we ultimately had to do.....it had minimal effect on our marriage because my husband really doesn't seem to have the understanding and compassion necessary to make the changes that we desperately need to make things better in our marriage. That isn't to say that a counselor would not work for you.... You do not deserve to be disrespected by your husband. I feel for your situation and I understand what you are going through. Please know that you are not alone......unfortunately alot of these pig-headed men became this way from their upbringings..... I wish you the best....take care.... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Tracey M	Timing is important. Never try to talk during his favorite TV show. Also, is what you are talking to him about related to him or your relationship? Some talks are best shared with girlfriends. Guys always want to fix things, so if the topic is something that can't be fixed...they get frustrated! Asking in the form of a question always works for me too. Hope this helps Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

proud mom of 2 girls	Sounds like he is uncomfortable with your emotions, that is why he makes jokes instead of talking to you in a serious manner. Ask him to be quiet while you express your concerns, feelings, etc. If he doesn't, or refuses, I would suggest marriage counseling. Good luck Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

azura181	consider a letter or note expressing how you feel telling him that you want to talk seriously see what he his reaction is to that if not try couples therapy its an open forum to dicuss feelings etc. g/l Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Strawberry	I know that men can get defensive. I suppose saying something like "we need to talk" will put up his defensive wall in seconds. I once heard from a male friend that guys tend to be relaxed and less defensive if you talk to them while you two are doing 'something else' other than sitting there staring at each other to talk. For example, take a walk in the afternoon together, or work on the yard together...and bring up how you're feeling (and remember not to point fingers, just express how YOU are feeling). Good luck and I hope you two can find some time to have a heart-to-heart talk. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

floridaman39us	Turn off the television, place a chair in front of him, and communicate. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Kookie	Why don't you write him a letter telling him how you feel and how he makes you fel. I think you could say so much in a letter, you express yourself with more details about how your feeling , Try it, it helped me. Good Luck. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Iron Rider	I'll tell you from my experience, You better grab him and tell him that this is no B/S; listen to what I have to say, it is important to me. and sooner or later it WILL be important to him, you know as well as I do that if he ignores you, it will lead to real problems Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No