"You should not adopt children older than 5, because they are too messed up" -- Can you believe this?

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Rowan	no childis every too messed up to adopt. Sure, for an older child, its a bigger adjustment, and there MIGHT be som issues, but come on! thats such a blanket statement. A friend of min was adopted as a teeen, she was fine. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

monkeykitty83	I have no doubt you really heard that-- I've heard comments like that too. But I don't think what the person said is true or accurate. Any child can turn out to have issues, special needs, and problems. No matter how old they were at the time of adoption... or if they were their parents' biological children. If anything, in my experience children over five who can't be with their biological families benefit MORE from adoption than younger children do. They're the ones that really blossom with consistent attention and stability over a period of time. That doesn't mean it's always easy-- but that's parenting. It's worth the challenge. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

♥♥Rita♥♥	Heck no, I don't believe that. Whoever said that needed some education on the fact. Hope you gave it to him/her!! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Maureen S	I KNOW in some cases that this turned out to be true. All the unconditional love in the world, sometimes cannot help. When a child stays in an abusive home for say 5 to 6 years, some hardly spoken to, some brutally beatten, sexually molested, they take on very challenging problems that cannot be solved overnight. I know of one family who adopted a 8 year old boy, whom on the surface was quiet, gentle, happy and healthy. After six months all hell broke out, literally/. He started having sizures, he threw anything he could lay his hands on, in the house, breaking nearly every bit of furniture, and he started beating up his younger sister and one year older brother. They found out through much testing, that this poor child had been abused so badly, that he really didn't exist mentally in this world, he lived in his own terrors all the time./ The sad thing was that the Social Services did not give the Adoptive Parents any hint of what he had gone through. If they had known, and still would have chosen to adopt (which I think they would have) they could have got him therapy tight from the beginning and started to heal his young heart. It is all very well to say, "Can you believe this?: But if you were having to bring up three children, one of them being very disturbed and abused. It changes the very core of the family. These were loving parents, and they cried for hours, trying to get him help. He got worse and worse, and they had to let him go because he nearly killed the little girl. This was not the childs fault, his poor little body and mind had gone through more than an adult person could have gone through. You know that saying "until you walk in someone else's shoes". In this case, it is true. The Social Services should be making it top priority to help these children sooner than later, and to give them the help they need, either before adoption or together with the willing parents. My oldest daughter was three months old when I adopted her. She was, and still is, beautiful. The Foster home she had been staying in, up until time of adoption, left her in her crib for those three months. She was not cuddled, left to cry and was not given any loving attention. When I adopted her he little body did not want to be held and cuddled. I had to slowly work my way into her affections. Even at that young age. She became more affectionate and more relaxed but it took us nearly 4 years before she completely relaxed when beeing held or hugged. THAT is why it is so important for all babies to be held and loved right from birth. They are the most important part of our future, and we have to stop the harm that is being done to wonderful little babies and children. She is now a mother herself. Has three adult daughter, and they are all very close. My heart used to ache for her, that such a young baby would recognize the fact that being cuddled was foreign to her. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lisa C	That is so sad. People can be so cold hearted and just plain ignorant Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

R	I am sad to admit that until recently I used to believe this and to some extent I still do. Children in foster care are there for a reason . Older children in foster care remember the pain, abuse, etc and they internalize it. They need more therapy, time and love and not everyone is equipped to handle them. They act out more than "normal" and are harder to handle. I don't think they should not be adopted but think you need to better equipped than the training they give you as a foster parent. My wife and i plan on adopting a teen or two but not untill our other chidlren are older. We are afraid of what a teen would do to our home now (not physically but emotially to the family) I think the statement should be more like It is harder to adopt children over 5 and it takes a special person and some training to do it correctly I now know that you should adopt older kids but i stil think you should be careful and be able to give te childern your full attention. i think bio children around their age will cause confussion and jealousy. If you don't have any kids i think that older children actually benifit from adoption more because they know what it is like not to have a family Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Santa's Lil' Helper	I wonder why more in the mental health field have not done more to address this issue. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

ronimg	My brother adoped a boy at age 5, then a year later adopted a girl at age 6. Messed up? of course they were! But no messed up than any other kids out there today. They are both turning 21 in the coming weeks. -- I can't imagine our family without them!! Love em to death!!! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

MiAmor	I am 17 and i got adopted at 7. i have alot of problems. i moved into my new family's home with a lot of "baggage". i grew up a very angry child and i still have problems. its easier to get adopted when the child is an infant. if you plan on adopting an older child make sure you are ready for the stress and possible pain. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Heather Leigh	Can I believe that someone said this? Unfortunately yes. And it is this type of mentality that leaves children in the Foster Care System. Someone that believes this, will not want to adopt what they consider to be a less than perfect child. IMO, these people should not adopt any child since there is not guarantee that younger child will be perfect. Do I believe it is true? Absolutely not. I had someone tell me something along these lines when we were adopting. DS was 8 and she told me that he is going to be a problem because a child's most formative years are the first 5. While I agree that the first 5 years are very important to a child's development, I do not believe they are a lost cause after that. My adopted son has not been any harder or easier to raise than my bio kids. My middle son has a learning disability and my oldest has some motor skills that are delayed because he was a preemie so they have all presented their own set of challenges. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Loves Me, Loves Me Not	That's one of the stupidest things i've ever heard. No go for it. I feel that they may be accustomed to a poor home but that would only make them work harder in school, better behaved etc. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Nisi	That is so dumb. I think every child that is being circulated in foster care wants so badly to be a part of a loving home. That is so sad. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

CherishTheMoment	That is stupid. I don't believe they are messed up. Sometimes family situation isn't safe for them to be at home, drugs, etc. That may be the reason they are in Foster Care, to put them in a safer environment than the one they are in. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Crucio	I do not think that is true at all. It is true the older a child is the more issues they may have. However this is why it is extremely vital imo that we get these kids (who are available for adoption) out of the system and into a loving home as soon as possible. With parents who will love and support them and help them through any issues that they do have. This sort of rubbish spewed makes me more and and more want to adopt from the FCS one day if I am able too. I would willing take a sibling group of 3 or 4 with the oldest being from 6 to 8. Or a child who was between 4 to 8 then after a few years apply to adopt another child from FCS. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

*ARMYWIFE[brodys mama 4/7/09]**	i have heard that said before, because they have most likely been in and out of foster homes. though i believe that statement is true in some sense, its very crudely put. i believe that children over the age of 5 or so, who have been in orphanages or foster homes, most likely have psychological damage, like depression, anxiety, seperation anxiety, etc. not all do, but its very common. THOUGH i dont believe that they are "messed up" or that they shouldnt be adopted...every child deserves to be loved, and every child deserves a chance Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

tinkerbe13	You should have that person look up The Heart Gallery. It was started in New Mexico. Its foster children who want a family. Hopefully maybe that will change their view. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Just a Mom	That is what people think sometimes. Grrr! Isn't that silly? Of course I don't think it's true. But I think it is true that people believe that. Sad. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Randy B	I've read it on the list here from a few trolls too and thats all I'd chalk it up to. Someone either trying to stir the pot or who is grossly uneducated on the subject. Either way, I don't think anyone is going to change their minds so I would have left it with "I'm sorry you feel that way. It just shows your lack of understanding and knowledge of the subject." Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

angie	do not believe that at all! Granted some children have been through a tremendous amount of pain and hurt as they get older. Most have lived a life that no one should have to go through. I would love to be able to adopt a child who is older. One that I can show, life isn't as bad as you think it is. I would even go as far to help a child locate its birth parents, so should they choose to. Everyone on this earth wants to be loved and to feel needed. You just have to be willing and patient enough to show this child, hey.. I am not going to walk out on you, that you are worth fighting for to me.. So many, have no idea what that's like. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

IDK!!	So screwed up. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

opedial	Well there are days we sigh and say, well maybe. We adopted three ages 4,5,6. What I can say is that it takes a specific set of skills to work through any pain and anger these children may have. The acting out can (not always but can) include acting out in ways you may have never dealt with. I do say it is so worth it, but you have to be realistic in what you can expect and have to allow an older child to have their own feelings about what is happening, and it will not be all sweetness and light. Our adoption in fact is great, but we do know we have lowered our expectations for our children. Not overall, but their progress is not the same as other children. Their will be hiding under tables, and throughout their life their will be triggers to the violence they suffered. So all I can say is go in to ANY adoption with all the information you need, and get the skills to deal with the siutations you will encouter. Anyone who says love is enough is silly, because when adopting older children you have to go into it with love, but also with patience, and understanding that sometimes their behvaiours could be so outrageous that you may not be able to deal wtih it if you have not prepared yourself. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Vr	No, I don't think it's true. Every child is different, and everyone has gone through some bad things in their life. It doesn't mean they are any less deserving of a stable, loving home. Atleast they'd already be potty trained, if nothing else. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Freckle Face	NO. All of my cousins (6) except one was adopted older than five years old. They turned out to be productive members of society and pretty amazing people to boot. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mom to Foster Children	I am adopting our son in 8 days and he will be 7 in December! Of course he is "messed up" - he spins around in the living room till he wants to throw up - talks about what would happen if people had wings - and wants to be a firefighter when he grows up! Ok, so I guess I don't understand what "messed up" is at least in our case? I know that there are children out there that have medical / physiological issues but the medical issues they were born with and the physiological issues were more likely due to the wonders of the foster care system! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP	Oh my god! I friggen HATE ignorant people. If you don't know what you are talking about then shut your trap until you do! No, Loony, I do NOT believe this. WE are the ADULTS, they are the CHILDREN, the VICTIMS! Sure, they may have some issues, but so the rest of the freaking world. Everyone has their own set of emotional baggage, this is pretty much ineveitable. What they need is some love and a little bit of hope. This doesn't earse their past, but it can give them some hope for the future. The children should not be punished for the sins of their parents I hope you knocked some sense into them... how did you reply? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

.:AnnaMarie:.	No i was in foster care from the time i was 10 months old untill i was 18 and i think the reson for all my inscure problems and trust issues are from not being adopted to a loving family and being thrown around like i was nobodyy.. i think that a child at 5 will still have memories and maybe even nightmares but they are so young they can progress into really good people. they just require more attention Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

tish	yep... i believe it. and it totally shoots holes in the "adoption SAVES children" argument. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

MamaKate	I think it is a ridiculous, heartless and ignorant statement. Anyone who would say such a thing has no business anywhere near children until they become educated and learn to open their minds and hearts more than a few millimeters. It is ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

jackmatt	I have heard that before, but I don't believe it is true. Sure, some kids are messed up b/c of the poor homes they came form or were taken from, but many bad behaviors are a cry for love & attention. I do think it takes some special foster or adoptive parents to remain patient with the most extreme cases. No child should have to be without someone who loves them. RN & mom Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

aloha.girl59	Yes, I can believe it was said. No, I can't believe the ignorance with which it was said! (((Looney Tunes))) I feel badly for you for having to work with such a moron. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Gaia Raain	We read the bulletin for a 13 year old girl who's mother died a year ago. Her father refused to take care of her. Her mother was a GOOD mother. No drugs, no neglect, no abuse. This girl is in a living hell right now because the adults around her failed her (granted, it wasn't her mom's fault that she died, but it still sucks for her). Sibling group of 3 kiddo's. One is "over 5". He has the LEAST of the issues among the three. A 16 year old boy waiting in foster care for 10 years. Does he deserve a family any less than the brand spankin' new safe haven baby? First of all, no, you can't stereotype and say that any one group of kids will have more or less issues. Being separated from parents at birth CAN be just as traumatizing as having experienced abuse, neglect, etc. I have pre-verbal trauma memories, too, and they are the WORST to deal with. Second, all kids who are adopted should have parents who are fully prepared to deal with issues that come up from having been shipped off to a brand new family. Any time a human being has major life decisions made for them over which they have no control, the potential for trauma is huge. Regardless of age, regardless of previous life experience, regardless of how good the reasoning might be...it can still be traumatic, and can still cause issues later in life. Age doesn't matter. Third, ALL kids deserve a warm, loving, unconditionally accepting home. Regardless of age, race, nationality, etc. It's OUR job as adults to find the best possible home for those who are not safe in the family they were born to. That person at your work is shirking his/her duties as a human being inhabiting this planet. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No