"BiRTHMOTHER?????????????...

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Gaia Raain	I use that term from time to time when I'm talking to someone who won't know what a first mom is (because "PC" adoption language is all they've ever heard), or when it seems appropriate for one reason or another, but generally speaking, I try to avoid that term. In my work, anyone who is biologically related is called "bio ___" (this covers any child not in their natural parents' care, not just adoptees). Some of these kids have had 15 mom's. No one would know what I meant if I said "first mom" at work. I have asked before (although I really ought to post my own question about this, but I keep forgetting) if bio is offensive. It covers so much more (in my mind - and I have never given birth, so I don't claim to know what it feels like) than just giving birth. The term bio, for me, honors all the biological connections between a mother and child - all those things that I can't touch. Beyond that, I just don't know a lot of people IRL who have been affected by adoption, and they don't know what I'm talking about at first, so it takes awhile to educate everyone around me. Not to mention that it would be impossible to get my work to use these terms. It's too big, and no one would care, unfortunately. ETA: I <3 Stinky Pete's answer. That went straight to my soul. Thank you, Stinky Pete! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sassy_mom25, TTC#3	I'm not sure what they were saying before, but here at my house where I'm a step-mom, I'm told that I'm a fake mom (by my 6yr old step son) and his biomom is his real mom. I know he doesn't mean anything by it but it hurts to be told you're a fake. No, I don't just play mom, I have a 2yr old daughter of my own and he lives with us and only has visitation with his biomom. I do everything I can to treat him as my own. I saw on a website that involves stepparents/bioparents/adoptive parents that they refer to themselves as bonus moms and dads. They tell their children that they are extra special and have 2 of each. Not all people are accepting of a family that is not totally natural. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Erin L	If you are really trying to understand why a lot of people use the word, I honestly think the reason is that "birthmother" is just such ingrained adoption language that it is habit. What I find most offensive is when the term birthmother is used for a woman who has not placed a child but is considering. I honestly have a hard time finding a term I like for my daughter's first mother. Any term other than mother seems distant. But, she knows me as mom, mother, mommy, so just for the sake of her understanding who we talk about there has to be a different name. I know kids can have two grandmas, etc. and not be confused, but it's usually Grandma Smith and Grandma Jones to clarify. We usually call her first mother her Taiwan mother, but that feels distant, too. I honestly would love to find the solution because I do believe words matter. eta: I think kippa is absolutely right. When a person tells you that a particular word is offensive to them, it is cruel to use it for them. That's probably the main point here, and the main point you are probably getting at. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

4naturalfamily	It aids the infant "adoption" businesses when they refer to their childless clients as "parents" and at the same time utilize denigrating terms for moms and babies - referring to the actual relatives as "birth", "bio" or "illegitimate" relatives rather than calling them closest relatives. Some claim that family relatedness means nothing unless it’s officially recognized by man’s laws. The story of Jesus, who appears to be a “chip off the old block” honoring God as his father, might make you think twice. At Easter time Christians celebrate an occasion when God very publicly acknowledged Jesus as his son and Jesus acknowledged God as his father. What if the Bible story language was updated to suit the trends of modern society? Should Jesus have shown gratitude to Joseph by honoring Joseph as his “real father”? Should Jesus have announced that God is “not my father” or “just one of my fathers” – or called him his “donor”? Applying adoption industry rhetoric, we would get that Jesus was “just birth” not the real son of God. Needless to say I'm opposed to all the rediculous "birth" and "bio" terms. Referring to actual relatives by the term "birth" can be very confusing. If you think about it, the gestational "surrogate" is a woman who gave birth...yet the person she gave birth to is not her actual related daughter or son, when the woman's own egg was not used. There is a vast difference between providing a gestational function and having your own son or daughter. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

La Vie Boheme	Still use what term? Birth mother? I've been involved in adoption search for years and all the women who have given up children for adoption have always called themselves Birth mothers and still call themselves that. I don't see a huge difference in "Natural mother" and "Birth Mother". Edited to Add: The term "first mother" sounds childish to me. Besides that..for adoptees adopted at birth, the first mother they ever knew what the Mother that adopted them. The woman who gave birth to me was not my first mom..sorry. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Proud	I've seen those terms used a few times. I honestly don't even know what they stand for. Could someone enlighten me? (Thank you Philippa. I got AP, but I couldn't figure out what PAP was. lol) My brother is adopted, so is my mother. They both refer to their birth mothers as their birth mothers. That's what they are, aren't they? The mothers that gave birth to them? The birth mothers have never said anything about the term being offensive. I guess I'm just missing something. Isn't it for the family to decide what they refer to each other as? In such a public forum, I can't imagine that every single last person is going to conform to one term or another. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

CP	The only time I use that term (as bmom) is when referring to my mother's bmom because that is how she and my mom refer to her, when clarification is needed. It is what she prefers -- I know because I asked. Outside of that I don't refer to a mom as anything else -- just mom, it's usually enough. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

BPD Wife	Red & Sassy, My first response to this question was that it must be no different than the mud that is thrown towards APs as being barren baby stealers or vultures. But then I saw the question was from you. You have been one of my contacts for a long time. We may not always agree on things (smiles) but I respect you and your answers. I would never use anything towards you that I felt would offend you personally, and if I have, I apologize. For me, I use the term that we use in our family - our son's bio grandparents call themselves "biological grandparents" or "birth grandparents". For us, it is a term that is in our lives as much as "mother-in-law" or "sister-in-law". We do not use it to be offensive, but out of respect as the bio family has chosen to refer to themselves as that. Of course, when referring to them with our son, we just call them "Grammy & Pop Pop". : ) For me, personally, it is very difficult to use the term "first" or "natural" when referring to my son's own bio parents because of the abuse and neglect that were associated with them. They never truly "parented" this child and it's difficult for me to think of them as though they did. They did, however, contribute to the genetic (or biological) make up of my son and it is easier for me to associate the "bio" part to that than it is to call them "first" or "natural". I am glad that his family chose the "biological" term to use when describing their association. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I put my answers here on Y!A, I try to equate them to my own experience and use the terms that we use in our family. It is not meant to be offensive to you or any other parent on the board. I do hope you understand. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Heather Leigh	As an Adoptive mother, I think I am damned no matter what term I use...I have been slammed via email no matter what term I use. Birth mother is degrading...Well she gave birth to him. Bio-Mother = same thing. First mother was a term other's laughed at. So, I am sticking to the term original's (mother, father, etc) and will probably get hate mail for that one too. And for being so sensitive to original mother's feelings, I am beginning to take offence to always being referred to as an AP. I am his mother. Yes, he has another mother and without her, I would not have him in my life, but I am the one that kisses and hugs him when he is hurt, I am the one going to the school to fight for him, I am the one that takes him to his counseling twice a week to deal with his abandonment issues with his original mother and the abuse of his original father. I am the one dealing with his issues because of his original, birth, bio, natural whatever parents. Sometimes, when doing all of this, I would prefer to call them donors. Nothing more, nothing less. But hey, I have to take being nothing more than an Adoptive Mother, because so many here think I took my son from his rightful parents. But, all I am guilty of is offending people by not getting the correct terminology and loving my son unconditionally. Could be a lot worse! ETA: My anger on this issue is directed towards the subject, not the person asking the question. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

5littlemonkeys	I think they still use that term because it is a habit, they find adding it to a conversation is less confusing for others, or are comfortable with it Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Juli O	Ok first off. If you look at the initials, BM, is that how one wants their mother referred to as? Would you want to be equated with excrement? And many of you say, well, if I call my child's natural parent, "natural parent" then I am my child's unnatural parent. And yes, that is what you are. Please try to accept this as you did not give birth to this child and are not naturally related to them. Biological and Birth mother signify the bond ends with the birth of the child. As if the women is simply an incubator for the amother to obtain a child for herself. This is not the case. The natural mother of this child gives her ancestory, her medical history (both good and bad) her body to this child. As many of you know that have given birth, the bond never ends whether you are separated for an hour or a lifetime. There are even studies that show the Y chromosone exists in women who have given birth to sons, years after. The bond is there whether adoptive parents are happy about it or not. I believe the sooner adoptive parents can embrace their children's natural parents, thereby embrace the very essence of who their children are and may become; the sooner the respect these women deserve can be given instead of insinuating they are simply a vessel by which a baby is delivered to adoptive parents. Additionally, the greater respect your child will have for you in the long run. The less "grateful" he or she will feel towards you for having gone beyond your comfort zone to do something extremely unselfish. I am adopted and my adoptive father "sees the light" he has met my mother and embraced MY heritage. He has no problems calling my mother who she is, and does not care to continue the lie that says we should act "as if" we are kin. Because, to be honest, we are nothing but strangers. And I will never fit in at his family reunions. JO Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

IDK!!	HONESTLY.... I have a problem with ALL of them. I am my sons mom, and If I were talking about his "Mom" surely I'm not talking about myself or I would just say "Me". So in conversation outside if here I usually just call her his mom. I am his mom too. When I am talking about his Mom, I am talking about his other mom. Kinda like if I'm out with my niece and I am refering to her other aunt. I could just say "Her aunt" and they'd know I am not talking about "Me", her aunt. Does that make any sence? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Jennifer L	We refer to my children's mother as "Liberia mom." And I'm "America mom." It seems to work for them. As to the term "birthmother" it's how we were educated by doing research into adoption. No offense is meant by it; in fact I didn't consider it an offensive term. I don't like 'natural' mother, because it sounds like the adoptive parents are supposed to be 'unnatural'. I'm not sure I like "first mom" because if the adoptive mother is "second mom", can there be a "third" "Fourth" "fifth" mom in a succession? It attacks the permanence of adoption, IMHO. Is there a term that is respectful to the woman that carried the child AND the woman that adopted the child? If birthmom offends, then I'll try to be more attentive to what I type. The intent isn't to attack or to imply that the role is only to give birth. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Isabel A	My natural mother doesn't like the term firstmom, she considers it "cult speech" (and she should know as she used to belong to one). She prefers that I call her my birthmother. Which makes it really, really uncomfortable for me knowing how it gets some people's dander up. She was very hurt once when I introduced her to friends simply by her first name. She wants to be identified as having a relationship to me. So what do I do? Use the phrase she would like that others find offensive or use the phrase that is currently "hip" and offend her? All this terminology is just another way to keep everyone apart. It doesn't help anyone and it is really hard on us adoptees. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

wynn	Can't help you to understand that one. Even before I considered adoption, I thought that term sounded pretty cold. I didn't know what other term to use back then. We always say just "mom" "your mom" "my kids' mom" and no one's ever been confused. My kids were older adoptees, so they have pretty clear memories of their mom. I have a neighbor, also an adoptive mom, who really gets bent if someone talks about her daughter's real mom. She corrects them right away to explain that she's the real mom, the other woman was the birth mom, never did any parenting. Honestly, I think it's insecurity. She gets flustered when she hears my kids joking with me that I'm the 'second best mom' they ever had. She finds that offensive. I take it as a compliment. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

jessica300	Since my son's other mom's name is on the only birth certificate that he or any of us are ever likely to see, then I really think if the term "birthmother" is to be used at all, she should have the "honor". It seems to be okay to lie on the birth certificate and then do a switcheroo when it comes to the labels. The lies in adoption are so convenient aren't they? The term “birthmother” is just another convenience. I mean can you imagine starting one of these disgusting letters out with, “Dear Mom” or “Dear Mother-to-be”…ummm, if I ask really nice, can I have your baby? I don’t like the term in certain contexts, like in the above example. On the other hand, I just spent a wonderful weekend with my son. He called me his "birthmom" when he was telling someone about us whom he didn't know very well. He was so excited to tell the story of us getting back together after all of these years, I had to laugh; and I know it is what he has been taught to call me. When he doesn't need to explain to someone who I am he calls me mom. I know that our relationship goes way beyond my giving birth to him – which is a cool part of our relationship – but by no means the only part of it. There are moms who don’t mind the term, there are others who don’t know that it is offensive to some mothers, and unfortunately, there are many who use the term purposely to coerce and diminish us. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

snowwillow20	I'll try to use first mom but I've been her birthmom since 1972 and it's a hard habit to break. She uses the term birthmom too. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lori A	No matter what term you use it is going to offend some one. This topic has been brought up before and it has been explained that although terminology is important in refference to legislation and change, it is best to stick with what is comfortable to you and your particular situation. I have said it before. The only term that offends me is crack whore and that's because crack wasn't invented in the BSE. My only concern is "THAT" my daughter calls me, not what she calls me. I switch up my terminology on a regular basis so as not to be offensive to anyone on a consistant basis. I have been called so many things over the years, it just makes me laugh any more. I can see where the first mom and first family thing can be offensive to AP's. I can see the whole real mom thing being offensive. I really don't care what others call me. I only care "THAT" my daughter continues to call me. If you can come up with an agreed upon term let me know. It could be a great so conspirator project, bring all sides together for the greater good. I'm just having fun now so stay with me. I have thought about introducing my daughter to people as my "Biological" daughter. Have you ever thought about that? What kind of response do you think I would get if I did that? I feel that her parents are her parents and that they deserve the title, but how do I associate myself with my daughter without calling her "my" daughter? My natural daughter, birth daughter, biological daughter, tummy daughter, FIRST daughter? That one would imply that I have more than one, which I do not, and open a whole list of questions or raised eyebrows. To me it's small stuff compared to my relationship with my daughter. I try not to sweat the small stuff, especially since there is no way to win. Someone will always find one of these terms offensive. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1	my aparents used the terms "natural" and "real". but that was back in the late 60's, early 70's. in the 80's, i heard people saying "biological" and later, "birthmother". i have a very close friend who is a first mom, so now that's what i use with her. IRL, i use natural or first, but on the adult adoptee group, i type bmother as opposed to amother. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

kippa	I think that when people make a polite and reasonable request, there's something wrong and possibly even hostile about not complying. I also think that when it's made clear that someone is being hurt by particular words or deeds, it's cruel to persist in that behaviour. It looks to me that currently the term that's least offensive to most women who've lost a child to adoption is "first mother", so where's the harm in using that? It's a good term that fits the bill. Personally, I'm not particularly troubled by any term, provided it's used respectfully. I'm another one who's rather fond of 'biological mother', since I'm proud of that particular connection to my son, and I don't accept at all that it means our connection ended at birth. I don't even blanche at "birthmother". I've used it to describe myself under certain circumstances, and will continue to do so when I think it's appropriate. However, I wouldn't use either term here because I know it offends others who don't feel as I do. These names aren't so close to my heart as if I created them or anything. When people insist on using terms they know upset a number of the people to whom they're talking, they're being quite the opposite of respectful. They're being insulting, and that reflects far more on them than the people at whom their insults are directed. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

wholelottacats	I'm trying to change what I use - but it does come out pretty much as habit. I first heard the term used by mother in reference to her son, so that's always what I thought of. Personally, I don't see it as something that is offensive - the birthmother is the woman who gave life to a child - there really isn't anything more important than the woman who created you and gave you life. I've come to realize that for too many women, though, the word sort of embodies the work of the unscrupulous agencies, facilitators, lawyers, family members who pressured them or lied to them. It's not so much about the word itself - but what that word represents. But - having learned that some find it so deeply offensive, I'm trying very hard to NOT use it - though it comes out here sometimes when I'm typing, just because I'm typing so fast. I haven't tried to change it because of the people who just don't like anything PAPs/APs do - but for the ones who find it physically painful to hear/read. I've stopped using it in real life - even had a "disagreement" with my agency because I don't want to use it, and am encouraging my family to do the same. I do wish that others would do the same as far as some of the terms thrown at APs - someone mentioned the word "adopters" - it is offensive to me. But I also realize that the pain mothers are feeling by the word "birthmother" isn't anything compared to how the word "adopter" offends me. So, anyway - I'm trying. And if it still comes out, sorry for that. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Too Cool For Me	I'm an adopted child (I was four). So lets see, I had a Birth Mother, 12 Foster Mothers, and my mother now. We were never taught what to call them. It depends on your family structure on what you want to say. My mom tells me to call her my Birth Mother, and that is what she calls her too. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sophie	I am one that has changed to using "natural" mother... becasue of a nice personal request via email... but I am conflicted with it. As an adoptive parent, it kind of makes me feel like an "unnatural" parent. And yes, I get the fact that I am not my son's biological parent, but it does bother me. I don't want to use one term in here and another one with my son. WHAT SHOULD I USE? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Ms. AK	Well, to be honest, ALL of these terms are difficult to hear. If you are a birth, natural, first, bio mother it's hard to be constantly reminded of that fact, but you can't simply be called mom because things would then get very confusing not only for the child but for others you talk to. I really don't think one term is better than another. They all hurt. I have always said birth mom because that's just what I've always used. I gave birth to my son and I'm his mother so naturally birth mother fits. I can also see how natural and first mom would be offensive to aps (adoptive parents) it would make me feel 'unnatural' too. Aps aren't all bad people and deserve just as much respect as the next person. I will most likely continue to use birthmother because it's what I've always used and I don't find it any more hurtful than any other name we're saddled with. ETA: I think this topic, like most other sensitive subjects, is a no win situation. Some people are asking that we all start using first mom or natural mom and that would be fine if no one minded the change, however, there ARE people out there who mind. The Adoptive, Second, Nurture Moms. I understand the history behind this word, but as with most things in history the way it started isn't the way it still is. People don't call me a birth mother because I'm 'unfit' or 'worldy' or anything like that. To a lot of people they think of it as respectful, saying birthmother (the woman who carried him, nurtured him and loved him and who also gave birth to him) I think it's unfair to ask that everyone use a specific term. Each person need to use the term that they are comfortable with. And people need to stop slamming others for it. Regardless of what word I use I'm going to offend SOMEBODY. So I apologize for the offense and I will probably rotate through different term, it's not meant to offend anyone. Hopefully all the birth/natural/bio/first/original moms out there realize that no matter what they're called they are first and foremost A mother regardless of what word comes before it. And adoptive/nurture/second moms you all know you love your baby and your baby is yours also. Just because your son or daughter came from someone else doesn't make you less of a mother. Trust me, this is hard to say with what I've been through but I'm not so niave that I think all aps are the way mine are, for the most part you are wonderful people who just want to be a family. I hope we can all remember that this is not one sided, there are many feelings coming from all different sides. We ALL have to respect that. Mother is a sacred word, no matter what's put in front of it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Warrior Mom	I appreciate the education. I had no idea that "birth" mother was offensive. If I slip and use it, I apologize. I will practice using 'first' mom. I like that term, too. I think, as an adoptive mom who was unable to experience giving "birth", I suppose it just never occurred to me that it would be offensive. However, I have learned so much from listening to all sides here. I really like the idea of having a place where the views of everyone who is impacted by adoption can be heard. It's like we have segregated ourselves in the past and have built up these fears and false ideas of what we are all like. Listening to everyone here makes it easier for us all to see each other as just people. We are all alike in some ways, and different in some ways--just like in every group of people. We are good and bad and everywhere in between, just like all groups of people. Please don't misunderstand my used of "good and bad". I just mean we are all human and we all are in the same boat, humanity wise. I appreciate your question, and hope that it helps all of us have a better understanding of how 'first moms' feel. More on terminology: I guess everyone has different things they associate with different words. I can see how "birth" mother might imply that all one did was give birth, even if that's not the intended meaning. I imagine that we could come up with 100 terms for a-moms and b-moms, and there would be someone offended by some and others offended by other names. I think it's important to be sensitive, though, and to stay away from the ones that are obviously offensive and that have been listed as offensive. I used to tell our daughter that Julie was her first mom, and that I was her forever mom. Yeah, I know. Before everyone starts throwing tomatoes at me, I get that now. I didn't get it then, though. I didn't get a LOT of things then. I'm learning, though. We are BOTH her forever moms, because we both are part of her life. Her b-mom is part of her nature and heritage (and may one day be part of her world again, if she wants that); but I will always be part of her life, too, in the sense that she will always carry the things I've taught her. She has TWO forever moms. And that's okay, right? We don't have to fight for our place in her life or heart. We will each always have our own place--whatever place SHE chooses. Maybe that's what really scares us. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

LaurieDB	Thank you, Tish! Someone who gets it. First doesn't mean "first place." It denotes an order in which events occurred. That's all. Birthmother is very offensive to me. I'm adopted and I would never speak so poorly of my first mother as to consider her nothing more than a vessel for 'birthing.' You see how it goes? These women are the most selfless, loving, wonderful examples of motherhood when they are making their "adoption plans." A good, responsible mother would see that her child is better off being adopted, people say. If that be the case, then these women did a HELL of a lot more than just "give birth." They made an unbelievably difficult, life-altering, painful decision, all to give their child (hopefully) a "better opportunity." Yet, these people who say this then turn around and disrespect these women by referring to them as nothing more then "birth" mothers, saying that all they did was "give birth." THAT is dismissive. Yes, of course, "birthmother" is an industry term. The industry uses it to remind women who are considering adoption that their role in all of this is to come out of it a "birth" mother. Having very little respect for the adoption industry, I couldn't care less that this is an industry term. Dismissive and hurtful doesn't go away just because it's an industry term. Actually, the fact that the industry would use it makes it even more dismissive and hurtful. I don't find natural mother to be dismissive to my adoptive mom at all. She did not, BY NATURE, come to be my mother. She came to be my mother by other methods. My first mother came to be my mother via nature (had sex, went through the natural, biological process of pregnancy, gave birth, etc.) I see the word "natural" as referring to "nature." I still use first because it's just so pragmatic, in the same way the term "original mother" is pragmatic. It denotes timing and a series of occurrences. Here's the real bottom line for me, however. If women are saying they feel hurt by being called "birthmother," then why on EARTH are there people defending it? Have some respect and don't use it. Unless, of course, you just have no respect for these women. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Amy T	I was adopted when I was 9 hours old and met my mom when I was 18. I have found that now I don't even use any word other than Mom. When I was growing up with my adoptive parents, she was still mom. I was lucky that the home that I grew up in was very open about everything concerning my adoption. It makes it alot easier from a childs point of view. People do look at me a little strange when I am with one of them and tell them oh I talked to mom! (They have known eachother since before I was born. It was kind of like an inter family adoption) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Freckle Face	ap= adoptive parent pap=prospective adoptive parent I hear what some of you are saying about the term "birthmother" but if you have not lost a child to adoption then your opinion doesn't count. If a woman says she is hurt by the term "birthmother" then for goodness sakes don't call her that! My fav is First Mother. Thats what she is, the childs first mother. It sounds more "honoring" to me. Yep, i'm the second mom but in no way second best. pfm= prospective first mother======expectant mother. Yeah, just figured that one out on my own. Littttle sssssloww. Still learning.... ETA: Red and Sassy, just read your eta. lol, we must of wrote at the same time. Great minds think alike. lol. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

tish	i've noticed too... kudos to those who listened. to those who really don't see the issue... the origins of "birthmother" are what's offensive. it was used to demean those women who were not "worthy" of parenting, because they were unmarried or "worldy"; yet simply "breeders" for those who were the "good women" but were unable to conceive. i see nothing wrong with the term "first." it's denotes seriation. in that, the child has two mothes; and the one who nurtured him/her during pregnancy, endured labor and delivery was the first mother. contrary to what many wish to believe, pregnant women also mother their children. don't think for one minute that that perfect little bundle of joy is simply a matter of coincidence. just ask those who are parenting children born addicted to drugs or as a result of poor prenatal care (not the majority of adoptees, btw.) we can debate semantics until the cows come home. yet, when looking at adoption, one thing remains; the child has two sets of parents. although the aparents have LEGAL rights over the child, the first parents' simply can't be erased or dismissed as "birth-things." it's simply a matter of respect. ETA: i gave BIRTH to all of my children. and would have a few choice words for anyone who would refer to me as birthmother. also, 'step-mother' is not a good analogy, in that there is no negative connotation attached to the term; simply that she is a parent by virtue of marriage. it really doesn't demean her role in the child's life, unlike birthmother does. also, i have N.E.V.E.R. been referred to as a "birth-anything", except by the adoption agency who wanted my non-drug addicted black baby so that a wealthy black couple who wrote a check, could buy a kid to pass off as their own! additionally, some women are cool being called "btch" or other "questionable terms", so does that make it ok for others to be called that too? just because someone is comfortable being demeaned and reduced to their reproductive functions, please don't transfer that lack of self-respect on others. birthmother is a derogatory term. it's used only by the adoption industry to psychologically disconnect pregnant women from their children for profit. and if one is comfortable being called that, cest le vie! but let's not try to normalize it. the way some of you talk about your first mothers, she would have done better to choose abortion. seriously, some of you have no effing idea that your current health probably has a great deal to do with your prenatal health...by that "birth-thing!" i'm snarky today...i guess it's all the pregnancy hormones and edema. you know that trivial stuff that us "birthmothers" have to endure. ETA: ok...i've read some of the new posting and people wish to tell us to "get over it" and not to "get so worked up" and that "birthing is what we did, so what's the big deal?" then let's suggest this: WHY ARE APARENTS LISTED ON AMENDED BIRTH* CERTIFICATES???? if they did not give birth and that trivial birth stuff was done by the "birthmother" then why the need to fake it???? if we can easily diminish one mother's role, then why not the other? if we are so fine labeling a fmom based on her "function", then damnit, why can't we label aparents based on their function and nix all the fake amended birth certificates! hell, if adoption is such a normal thing, then why not have an "adoption certificate!" but somehow, i don't think that will flow too well.. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Stinky Pete	I think most of you are missing the point. Some women are fine with being called birthmother. We all know that. But some are not just offended by it, they are deeply hurt by it. Many of the first mothers I talk to and work with have been diagnosed with PTSD. (myself included) The word birthmother can be a huge trigger for them. It hurts them on a level that most people understands and interferes with their healing. I just don't see why anyone would want to do that to another human being when it is so easy to avoid. On another note, why do first parents and adoptive parents have to be oppisites? I have never thought that natural parent imlies the APs are unnatural. In parenting nature and nurture go together. I always thought of myself as the natural mom and the AP as the nurture mom. The oppisite of birth is death so are APs death parents? Its all pretty silly. I have had APs tell me that the term adopter hurts them so I don't use it. It would be nice to be shown the same respect and compassion Red, I am so sorry you are hurting. If you need to talk feel free to email me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Philippa	Glenna: AP = adoptive parent PAP = potential adoptive parent Kim'sKorner, with all due respect as you haven't surrendered a child you really don't have a clue how mothers such as myself who have surrendered feel about the term. You wrote: "You are a birthmother whether you like it or not if you have ever given birth to a baby..... Don't take offense to it, and don't allow people to make it a derogatory remark to you or anyone else" Right there are various reasons why first/natural/original/biological mothers find it offensive and derogatory including it dehumanises us so you may as well call as baby breeders or incubators .... I've even read on a forum an adoptee refer to her first mother as her carrier. Yes I can see your point that all mothers who give birth are birth mothers but unless you have walked our walk you don't have a clue what you're talking about. Try reading the full article that I have taken this from: Investigating, I learned that U.S. social workers had collaborated about 30 years ago to invent their own list of contrived terms to appease their adopting clients. Adopters no longer wanted anyone to use the original term "natural mothers." Why? Three reasons: 1) it indicated respect for the mother's true relationship to her child - she could not be written-off as a "convenient slut" whose only value was reproduction, 2) it recognized that the sacred mother/child relationship extended past birth and even past surrender, and 3) it implied that the adoptive mother's relationship to the child was unnatural. ... Deliberately creating the term "birthmother" was a further attempt to break the bond between mother and child; in addition to altering birth records to indicate that adopters gave birth, sealing the original birth certificate, and changing the child's identity with a false adopted name. Adoption is built on lies and denials of truth, so we mothers shouldn't be surprised that "Respectful Adoption Language" is just another deceitful ploy. http://www.keepyourbaby.com/why_birthmother_means_breeder.html Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No