Why is "birth mother" an offensive term?

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platinum	it kinda sounds like your calling someone thats not your mother mom and your calling your real mom your birth mother if thats what you mean it would be offensive. I don't want my kids thinking of someone else as their mother? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Babydoll	I guess because people these days are soft and way too sensitive and politically correct. It's enough to make me want to puke a little. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

hagaren otaku	...it's offensive? that's a new one. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

crazychickizback	because birth mothers don't like to admit that they are no longer mothers. Birth mother=the woman who happened to give birth to the child Mother= the woman who raised the child EDIT: Dreamweaver, thank you for admitting it! You're the first one I've seen on here woman enough to do it! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Littlechit	I don't know. I call my son's "birth parents" his bio mom and bio dad. The bio mom's parents that see my son occasionally are referred to as the bio grandparents, and her sister as the bio aunt. Bio mom and bio dad are still in jail for what they did to bio kid... fortunately for him, he was too young to have any long term repercussions. (from what we can tell, anyway) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

manders1981	It's not something that should be offensive...if someone has a problem with that term, it's their problem, not yours. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

mom of many	as a foster to adopt mother I have refererred to the bio mother as birthmother. I have also asked on yahoo what do they wish to be called with no answers. To me,the birth or bio mother is the one who gave birth, but myself, being the one to care for the every day needs of the child, I am their Mom. Sorry, but just because someone gave birth to a child doesn't mean they are a Mom. Just like..any man can be a father but it takes a special man to be a Dad. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Nathan	I think it's considered an offensive term because some people decided to attribute a bad motive to the creation of the term and that belief became popular. I mean, how could anyone know for sure what the motives of those who created the term were? Couldn't we with just as much assurance assume the more positive motive of making adoptive parents feel better by not implying they are "unnatural" in their relationship with a child they love? While we can literally say that they are "unnatural" parents, I think that there is a negative connotation associated with that term that goes beyond the strict meaning of biology. Unnatural can be thought of as bad, perverse. I think the term that remains neutral is "biological". That's the one I use. However, I consider it worth noting that this is only necessary for clarification and because of custom. If you are an adoptive mother and refer to your child's biological mother as just "mother" to someone unfamiliar with the situation, you could be seen as not claiming to be the child's mother yourself since people do not commonly think of a child as has having 2 mothers. The girl at my church who calls me mom just calls me...mom, and she calls her mom that too. That's kind of different though. No one would actually think I was her biological mother! (though I did discover that we have the same blue/green eye color, heheh) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Randy B	I'll add my voice to the chorus of those who don't understand why either. Personally, I think that those who don't like it have read books written by others who don't like it and the attitude just perpetuates itself. Someone else here said that they wouldn't dream of using a term that someone finds offensive so I guess they won't be writing anything more then because I know of people who don't like the term "first mother", thereby making them the "second mother". I know people who don't like the term biological mother and I know some people who don't like the term "real mother". (Feel free to substitute father and parent into those phrases as well). My point is that for every term that is arrived at there are going to be those who don't like them. Too bad. Thats just the way things are. I think it's more important to look at the sentiment behind the words rather then the words themselves. If someone refers to a birth mother as "a breeder", with contempt in their voice or in the tone of what they wrote then of course someone should be offended if they wish to. But if someone refers to a "birth mother" as simply a way to differentiate between that person and an adoptive mother then thats a whole different tone. I use the term "bio mother" and "mother" to refer to the woman who brought me into this world and that woman who raised me from a baby. I don't mean any disrespect by my choice of terms although I'm sure some take offense to them, there is nothing I can do about that. I know the context in which I am saying them and the feelings behind them so I make no apologies. At the same time though, I use them when discussing my situation and I don't use them when speaking about someone else's situation. If I ever have it's been unintentional and I'll offer my sincere apologies at this time. The simple fact of the matter is that no matter what terms are used there will be someone, somewhere, offended by them. We've gone too PC for our own good. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009	Ok I've sd it before...others here don't like me lol I AM a birth mother. I am the mother who gave birth to that boy. Natural mother makes me feel like mother earth surrounded by 15 kids on a farm..sorry. I am proud to be a birth mother...maybe the only one in the world but I am. You may all stone me now. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

snowwillow20	I don't find it offensive. I gave birth to her. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

leila	I am not exactly sure but I have adopted children and when we talk about their 'birth' mom I usually say to other people their biological mom or their first mom, or if i am talking to them it's Samantha. I think that adopted moms wanted to keep the mom connection, and some people thought it was disrespectful to use their first name. It can get confusing. My husband has a biological dad that lived until he was 15, then he went to another family to live and we are still connected to the 2nd family. When he says 'my dad' I never know who we are talking about because he doens't use bio, birth or first. it's all very clear in his head, but it's very muddled for me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

meee*	because some people were adopted and you may not know. and then you say birth mother, and they get offended. but I was adopted and when someone says "birth mother" I just say you mean "Tonya Taylor" btw; thats her real name. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

mom lost 66	don't ever call me a birth mutter it is offensive I am not a breeder nor an I a human incubator I am a mother if you must chose a name for me then call me his natural mother or just mother I did not chose to give my child to you he was abducted by adoption ADOPTION THE TRAUMA THAT KEEPS ON GIVING SMAAC EMS/BSE Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

☺ Jaker Maker ☺	I don't think it's offensive. It simply differentiates between the woman who gave birth and the woman who is actively parenting the child. * Edit * Having read Autumn's (beautiful name by the way) cited article (which I found to be disconcerting for both natural parents and adoptive parents), I do see now that the 'industry' derived terms represent disrespectful treatment toward natural mothers. I wasn't aware of this history and so of this issue. I'm pretty certain many others weren't either. Thank you to those who chose to educate rather than berate and slough off thumbs down. Regardless of the term, no matter what, when you're a mom, you're a mom. Whether you're a natural mother or adoptive mother or a step-mother. No paperwork or industry or term can ever, ever change that. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Freckle Face	Its a common newbie mistake:) We are taught well by the adoption agencies. The mere fact that this term hurts mothers of loss is enough of a fact for me not to use it. They have been thru enough pain, i will not add to it. Birth is an act and their motherhood is not limited to this one action in time. Motherhood goes on forever.... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Not Adopted	Why is the "n" word an offensive term? Because it's used to dehumanize and degrade an entire group. The "b" mother word is used for the same purpose. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sunny	I know what you mean, I just don't understand what is offensive about "infertile mother" either... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

myst1998	Why is the term adopter considered offensive? Come on, how can any of you not figure this one out? Because you have tunnel vision obviously. I find it amusing that there is a term for a mother/father but not for brothers and sisters... why is that? There is no such thing as a 'birth' mother; that is why the term is offensive. A mother is a mother the moment she conceives and carries her child. A mother who loses a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth is still a mother and to tell her otherwise would be highly unkind and cruel so why do we have to label a mother who has lost her children to adoption? And if mothers who lose their babies to adoption are birth mothers then so is every single mother who ever gave birth on this planet - there is no difference between them so why the labeling? I doubt other women who gave birth and raised their own children would appreciate it if you started labeling them 'birth' mothers- I have already asked many how they would feel and they were not too impressed with the idea. Its only people who are not the mothers who have lost the children who feel the need to label them - usually the adopters and the agencies who stand to gain something. As for adoptive parents being 'real' parents because they raised a child, please, that would mean there are many nannies out there who are the 'real' parents of the children they raised and as an ex nanny, that idea is abhorrent to me. Lets keep things simple shall we? As Nature intended: MOTHER = mother who gave birth to her child ADOPTIVE Mother = person who raised another mother's child for some reason or another. ETA: Yes crazy because you would know so much being a vain creature who really only cares about herself. Sorry hun, but birthing a child doesn't mean your motherhood stops there. Maybe when you have given birth to a baby yourself and had him/her ripped from you, you might understand but until then, you should stop while you can. Karma is a b@#ch they say. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

grapesgum	Jaysus - get a clue and read why a "birth mother" is a breeder. http://www.keepyourbaby.com/why_birthmother_means_breeder.html It never ceases to dismay me when I read about the wailing and moaning from adoptive parents in a "failed adoption" who would not wish their pain on the their "worst enemy" yet at the same time pray that another breeder will bless them with their "chosen" baby. Oh yeah the wonderfulness of birth - as long as the willing loins of the "unworthy" bless the "entitled". Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sly	Every marginalized group in history has had the right to find a name for themselves that they are comfortable with. The majority of the mothers that I know and associate with choose to be called either mother or natural or first mother. Birthmother is a term that they, as I, find offensive. Secondly, for the mothers of the EMS/BSE, it was not a part of the language, not having really been coined until much later, despite the fact that it was first USED by Pearl S. Buck, author and adopter, in 1955, to identify the women who gave birth to the children that she adopted. Any term that is created solely to identify a group, not by the group but by the people who have been the recipient of their loss is probably not going to be a term that the group will be comfortable using to call themselves by. The very fact that the industry is so very insistent on its use should be testimony enough to its insidious nature. It serves to limit the motherhood of the natural mother to the moment of birth, effectively eliminating any further use for her. The power and effectiveness of the term at isolating and limiting her use to that single event should be recognized by the very fact that they are now using it to describe pregnant women. They call women birthmother, our birthmother, or some of the odious abbreviations, to diminish her and to separate her from any further function once the product is delivered. It is distasteful. The continued useage of the distasteful term and the continued necessity of explaining the reason why it is distasteful indicate the contempt the industry and the recipients of the loss hold for the women who provide the end product. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

chielu c	The adoption industry calls women birth mothers before they have even given birth. They try to recruit pregnant women using the birth mother term so they can sell their babies. It's part of the pro-adoptoin propaganda - create the diconnect between mother and child so the mother will see herself as a breeder for more "loving" parents. Language is key when brainwashing a mother to surrender her child. Adopters (some) are terrified to call their adoptee's mother - mother. Got to keep the disconnect alive! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Cool Hal	Does it matter why - the fact that it objected to should mean that it shouldn't be used. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lori A	I understand the whole sentiment behind discrediting the woman who gave birth but I refuse to let it creep into my life and play any part in my reunion with my daughter. I have great respect for the parents who raised my daughter without ever meeting them. They did a great job and I couldn't be happier. As far as what I get called, pffft. I can't be bothered giving it any attention. I use the term first in regard to OTHERS in my position to defend their status. As far as my own status, you can call me what ever you like because I have been called many things in my time and simply don't let it bother me any more. I will only be before you for a short time and then you will be gone, along with your language. THE ONLY ONE's opinion I care about is my daughter's. "That" she calls me, matters. What she refers to me as, does not. Randy's right, you will always find someone who is offended and frankly I am tired of trying to figure out who is offended by what. I can't keep them all straight any more. What I do know with absolute certainty is that your bill of sale may hold up in court but it won't in a test tube. I don't mind sharing title, but bottom line, I AM THAT CHILDS MOTHER. Slice it anyway you like, you can't deny me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Stinky Pete	http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/Why_Birthmother_Means_Breeder.html I really don't have the time and energy to explain it right now. All that should matter is that it is the people being called this that find it offensive. I personally would never think of using a term for someone that they found offensive. Its called emathy and respect. We don't like the term so don't call us by it. Simple really ETA I said I wouldn't call someone a term they find offensive. For example, I wouldn't call you an adopter since it is not a well recieved term. I will use any term to refer to myself that I wish. Respect is a two way street and I am getting really sick of walking it alone. BTW the oppisite game is really dumb. Natural = unnatural First = second Birth = Death Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sofiakat	I refer to the mother of my children as "my kids' mom". When we first adopted the social workers had taught us "birth mother" was the correct term. After spending a lot of time in the adoption community I have discovered it is a volatile word, and I really do not want to reduce someone, or insult someone, especially the mother of my children. Whether I understand why it is insulting or not doesn't really matter. Some people feel it is, and so therefore, I no longer use it. Besides, she is my kids' mom. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Problem Child	It reduces the importance of a first mother to just the act of giving birth and nothing more. As an adoptee, I think so much more of my first mother than just the fact that she gave birth to me. She and my first father are who I get 100% of my genetic DNA from, which is a very large part of who I am. I cannot overlook that or put it less important than what my adoptive parents have given me...both sets of parents have contributed to who I am as a person, and neither one is more or less important in my mind. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP	Why "BIRTHMOTHER" Means "BREEDER" by Diane Turski I had never heard the term "birthmother" until I reunited with my son. When the social worker who located me referred to me as his "birthmother," my first reaction was to instinctively recoil in distaste. What is a "birthmother?" It occurred to me that perhaps she had merely applied this ridiculous sounding term in an attempt at political correctness, so I ignored it. However, when my son's adoptive mother initiated her first contact with me she referred to him as my "birthson." What is a "birthson?" And what would a "birthfather" be - I didn't know that fathers gave birth! In a "birthfamily" are there also "birthsisters," "birthbrothers," "birthgrandparents," "birthaunts," "birthuncles," "birthcousins," "birthpets," etc? It was then that I began to suspect that these ridiculous "birth" terms were not merely being applied in a benign attempt at political correctness. Was it possible that the adoption industry intended to insult us by applying these ridiculous labels to us? Is it possible that we mothers have been so naive that we haven't yet realized their true intent? Could it be that we are insulting ourselves every time that we apply or allow others to apply these ridiculous terms to us? Investigating, I learned that U.S. social workers had collaborated about 30 years ago to invent their own list of contrived terms to appease their adopting clients. Adopters no longer wanted anyone to use the original term "natural mothers." Why? Three reasons: 1) it indicated respect for the mother's true relationship to her child - she could not be written-off as a "convenient slut" whose only value was reproduction, 2) it recognized that the sacred mother/child relationship extended past birth and even past surrender, and 3) it implied that the adoptive mother's relationship to the child was unnatural. The adoption industry didn't want adoption to be considered unnatural - they could lose customers this way! After all, people were paying good money for "a child of their own." Adopters didn't want a reminder that the child they were adopting still had a loving parent somewhere else. After all, social workers had promised them a child "as if born to." So social workers responded by creating a list of ridiculous "birth" terms meant to confine the mother's relationship with her child to simply giving birth, ending at that point. In other words, "birthmother" is simply a euphemism for "incubator" or "breeder." Then, social workers deliberately disguised their disrespectful intent by calling it "Respectful Adoption Language." "Respectful" to adoptive parents, who are now to be called "parents," as if the two natural parents no longer exist. Deliberately creating the term "birthmother" was a further attempt to break the bond between mother and child; in addition to altering birth records to indicate that adopters gave birth, sealing the original birth certificate, and changing the child's identity with a false adopted name. Adoption is built on lies and denials of truth, so we mothers shouldn't be surprised that "Respectful Adoption Language" is just another deceitful ploy. However, one truth that cannot be denied is the truth that thousands of mothers and their lost children have found in reunion: that the deep spiritual/emotional mother-child bond between them has never been broken, despite the decades they were separated. That natural motherhood is forever, that the relationship extended past birth. Adopters feeling threatened by this sometimes try to pressure adoptees to end reunions: instead, they should hold their brokers accountable for lying to them with the "as if born to" sales-pitch. Now that we mothers have learned the truth about the invention of these ridiculous "birth" terms, what should we do about it? Do we really want to continue to disrespect ourselves and allow the adoption industry to continue to disrespect us by applying and allowing others to apply these terms to us? Or should we insist on applying truly respectful language, such as the term "natural mother," which is still used in other countries who have not been as propagandized by the United States adoption industry? I believe it is time for us mothers to defend ourselves and our children from further insults and attacks. Copyright © Diane Turski 2002 Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1	it makes her sound like little more than an incubator. a means to an end. http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/Why_Birthmother_Means_Breeder.html Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Felicita1	It is offensive because it reduces a woman to being nothing more than an incubator, a breeder, a broodmare whose only purpose was to gestate and push out a "birth product." The term was coined and promoted by adoption workers in order to come up with a term that would remove the concept that a mother who surrendered a baby to adoption is still a mother. It means a "non-mother," former mother, or "mother for birthing purposes only." It is part of the "Respectul/Positive Adoption Language" campaign, and is contrasted with the people who adopt being the sole "mother and father" after the adoption. The mother who has lost her baby to adoption is also forced to lose her motherhood with the use of this language. I'm a natural mother, not a "birthmother" as I never ceased being a mother to my lost child. My love for him did not cease at birth, nor did my mother-child bond. Like most mothers who lost babies to "voluntary surrender" adoption over the last 50 years, i did not willingly "give him away". We reunited after 20 years of forced separation, and he immediately referred to me as his mother and he calls me "Mom." The term "natural mother" recognizes that I am still a mother, his mother by the laws of nature, even if the laws of society (child adoption law, invented in 1852) created conditions and an adoption industry that separated us, and created the legal position of "adoptive mother" for the person who raised him. It is not birth that is offensive, just being reduced to having no more purpose than being a convenient "walking uterus" that IS offensive. Btw, the male equivalent of 'birthmother' would have to be "ejaculation father" if you carry this argument to its logical conclusion. ETA -- if one's worried that the term "natural mother" implies that the adoptive parents are "unnatural" (not true -- just recognizes that adoption is a newly-created social/legal institution, which it is), then the opposite of birth is death. I would think that calling the natural parents "birth parents" would imply the adoptive parents are "death parents." (and the opposite of "biological" is "synthetic ... ) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

magic pointe shoes	Origin of the word "Birthmother" http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/2007/11/origin-of-word-birthmother.html http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/2006/09/lets-discuss-birthmother-disaster_08.html Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No