Why do people feel sorry for those that can't conceive but not for "birth" mothers?

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Kitty	The birth mother can conceive but usally can't take care of the baby in most cases. A person who can't conceive a child but have the reasouse to take care of one devevse a child a lot more then someone who is unfit mother. Not all people who want to adopt are crazy some of them want to make sure unwanted children get a good home. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sophie	I don't feel sorry for anyone JUST BECAUSE they are infertile or JUST BECAUSE they gave a child up. I don't know why some birth mothers want to be felt sorry for or want attention just because they gave their child up. They deserve no more ooohs and ahhhs than adoptive parents or adult adoptees. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Birthers are NOT mothers	Because birthers GIVE AWAY THEIR CHILDREN!!! They make them and then pawn them off to strangers to raise, and then expect them to come back in their adulthood and tell them how mich they missed them. Excuse me while I vomit...anyway, I do not pity those who make bad decisions that have irreversible consequences to others, namely their kids. I don't feel guilty for all infertiles either. It's a case by case thing there. I got no problem with women who get pregnant easily, more power to them, as long as they raise what they produce! Gypsy got it dead on...to be a parent....you actually need to PARENT. Those who merely give birth are just that...birthers. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

R	I don't think people think they are bad. Many people I know do feel bad for the mom that relinquished. She made a tough choice based on resources available. Most people are grateful to her don't look down on her on less it was through foster care and she had her children removed Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

LaraSue	A lot of assumptions in the question. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mommy to 11 month old Jacob	people don't feel as sorry for "birth moms" because hey are choosing to not be a mom...people who cant conceive want to be a mom but cant get pregnant. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

RPMR	I don't know where you see all that pity for infertile women. Most of the people I know actually think it is really easy to adopt when you can't conceive and see that the baby will suffer being a second choice his/her whole life. It is very true that if they could have children they would probably not adopt. Save a few. For the lack of sympathy towards biological mothers, I have heard before (LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR I DO NOT SHARE THAT OPINION) that they were irresponsible in the first place having unprotected sex and that they are only doing the right thing for the baby. Kind of a limited and ignorant concept. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sam22254	As any woman that can't have children would she like to have a child natural. She would answer OH YES. This same mother doesn't have a choice either to have a child or not it's can she afford to adopt a child. Natural mother- She just has to decide either to abort or have the child and give the child away. I would rather be the natural parent. wouldn't you Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

blairnative	a troll question that assumes people Don't feel sorry for birth mothers. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Randy B	There are always those who are going to be "down" on something or another and those that are not going to be. If you choose to focus on the negative then of course you will be drawn to asking questions such as this and the only people who can answer it for you are those that are on the "can't feel sorry for..." side. Personally, I feel bad for anyone who can't get what they want or what they deserve (within the law of course) but at the same time I can't change the world. I do what I can to change what parts of it I touch and hope and pray for the rest. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

cottonlily84	Um, because it's two completely different issues. Actually they are about as opposite on the reproduction spectrum as you can get. On one had you have a woman who wants children but can't have them and 180 degrees over another who has children but doesn't want/need them. It's not that all mothers who give their children up are horrible people; many times it's best for all involved. Both are very hard issues to live through but I think sympathy for infertile and birth mothers isn't comparable. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

myst1998	LOL... Lets see, if they start acknowledging a mother's and a child's pain of being separated from each other it wouldn't meet THEIR needs would it? Facing a mother having her child ripped from her arms physically, as mine was, is too much for a normal compassionate human being. So to make a mother out to be NOT a mother, to pretend her pain is nothing and to keep her trodden down makes her an unworthy being who doesn't deserve sympathy. And they say adoption is about love. Ha! That has to be the biggest lie of them all. http://cheerios-world.blogspot.com/ ETA: Just read the replies... wow! we have alot of very abnormal people lacking compassion here today! You want to hope you are never in a situation where you might need compassion one day as... Karma can be tough :) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

michyme	Well I think I would feel sorry for both but, for different reasons. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.	I agree with Jennifer L. FEW people on this forum "feel sorry" for us "greedy, entitled.. CrAAAAZyy, STD ridden, Fat, Old" infertiles. I have never asked for sympathy or a pity party. I DO ask for respect, and not to be treated like an entitled, greedy monster just because I want a family some day. As someone who was a 150 lb 16-year-old virgin when I found out that I had irreversable, unpreventable, complete ovarian failure determined by a mutation at MY CONCEPTION.... I DO ask that some people here quit slapping me in the face with the "Old, STD ridden, Obese" line, Aka.. infertility is our own fault. I also ask that if I'm asked to avoid the term "birth mother" that people also avoid the term "Adopter" it is just as bad, a slap in the face to diminish the fact that we are mothers. No less OR more accurate than "birthmother" and designed to do the same thing. So, I've always asked for respect, not sympathy, pity party.. I don't expect anyone to "feel sorry" for me. In fact I prefer they don't. I've got a great family, health, alot to be happy about.. I don't know if they want it or not, but I do sympathize with young women who were tricked or pressured out of parenting their child. That's an awful thing. It's unfair, and wrong.. and a practice that needs to stop. And I have NEVER thought of women who relinquish as "bad." Even when I didn't know much about adoption, I never had the "crack-ho" stereotype. More like the "young girl made a mistake and is trying to make the best of it." Still slightly faulty, but I know better now But probably the answer to your question is this. However faulty the reasoning is... many people who aren't as educated on adoption see young women as CHOSING to give up their child. I.e.. having a choice in the matter.. Few people chose to be infertile. That's probably why they feel one group more "worthy" of sympathy. Again, in many cases the reasoning is faulty.. but that's the reasoning... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sly	A good friend of mine said once that unwed pregnancy is the visible proof of sexual relations between a man and a woman, and the sex is what society cannot condone, not the child. The fact that single women have sex which can and often does lead to their infertility is seen as somehow 'better' in this society because there is no visible proof that they did the nasty. There is no pregnancy and no baby. Therefore, they can be seen as more sympathetic and more wholesome. They don't flaunt their sexuality in the face of society; we can delude ourselves that they are blameless, virginal even, without the visible proof. They are tragically barren. At one time I was doing some research on this issue, since the 'choice' of the EMS/BSE mothers were over and over thrown up to us, despite the facts, that we made a 'choice' when we had sex. At that time there was an article in Time about the leading causes of infertility and they were 1)aging out; 2)undiagnosed sexually transmitted diseases,most notably chlamydia; and 3)obesity. That is the big 3 and I will change the last one to eating disorders because I know that anorexics often don't ovulate so that would be one, too. A friend who is doing research for her Master's told me recently that actually under 1% of women are born infertile...the rest are barren due to lifestyle choices. That tells me that infertile women are making the same kinds of choices that unmarried mothers are making, but their consequences are a little less obvious and they can plead innocence for themselves. There is no scarlet letter that they must wear. So, I don't think that any of us want anyone's pity, or sympathy. We just want justice and often we want our babies back. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Leah	I wish I could answer but you lost me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sundragonjess	Because the people who can't conceive have no control over the situation, they can try anything and everything and it doesn't work. The birth mothers have a choice to keep the baby or give him/her up for adoption. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Carol c	I really don't want or expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I suspect however, that some people are just judgemental about women who come pregnant out of wedlock and society in general feels infertile women are just entitled to other women's children if they can't have their own. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Melissa G	I think because they are uneducated about the choices that a birth mother is making and the sacrifice she is going through. There are organizations out there that do acknowledge this, but overall people just believe that because pregnancy is "preventable", women should be smart enough to prevent it. I agree with you and wish it would change! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Philippa	Unfortunately due to the adoption media mothers who choose are seen as saviours who selflessly surrender as it's the loving thing to do to help infertile couples regardlessly of whether they choose to surrender or are coerced. However afterwards they are considered one or more of the following: Selfish abandoners whores prostitutes white trailer trash addicts abusers It's down to media and that people prefer to believe that we're bad mothers as it's easier to deal with. Infertile couples get sympathy because people who can have children see it as a sad thing not to be able to have your own children as it's a natural course of nature. The only time I see anything negative about infertile couples is when they come across as deserving a child and prey on pregnant mothers. It's a touchy subject for me as I have been through coercion then not had any more children due to infertility (husband) but I couldn't adopt a newborn just because of this. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!	It's a matter of choice and control. Pregnancy is controllable. Both getting, and staying pregnant is a choice by women. Birth control pills and abortion is completely within the woman's control. She CHOOSES to quit the pill. She CHOOSES to continue the pregnancy. She CONTROLS when a baby will come out of her. Infertility isn't. A woman can't help being infertile. That's why it can be seen as sad. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Serenity71	There nothing wrong with falling pregnant easily. most of my friends did. I don't envy them in the way people might think. I didn't enjoy the insensitive hurtful remarks I had at times from them but I forgave them for their ignorance. Pity- no thanks you can keep that for someone else. Consideration is what I feel lacks at times, and its all most women ask for from other around them. After all telling a women who's had a miscarriage to get over it after 2 days you'll fall again soon...what after 10yrs no kids I don't think so... its a loss and she deserves the respect others get when they're grieving. I didn't 'piss away my fertility' until I was 40yrs old. I could have been a mother at 16yrs old or 20yrs old, I haven't taken contraceptives since I was 20 just after I was married. (I married my teenage boyfriend...we had sex as teens...still going fantastic 20yrs later...) and foster mother by now since I always planned to at least foster children. I was advised to wait until I raised my own kids before doing temporary fostering. (That will have wait, I planned to raise my kids first, then look at temp fostering.) I didn't become a mother until I was 36yrs old. As I see it, my marriage vows were that we would accept and raise children who came into our lives through our union. That doesn't mean just biological children...it means children who come into our lives and become ours through being raised by us. Here's another myth about unexplained infertile since that I what I was diagnosed with... I don't drink, smoke, never touched illegal drugs of any kind, I'm not over weight, I work out several times a week through cardio exercise and weight training and I'm a fit healthy female who looks after her diet. (I had to ease up on some it since becoming a mother, but I still go for walks with my kids.) So Where in that is a person who is being stereotyped here. I don't see that many people making single mothers out to be bad people on YA. A few disgruntled adoptee's but then they have had a go at both Adoptive parents and birth parents. A few who gave up babies just after birth. (They have a reason to be angry, at some adoptive parents...we don't all fit into that mould.) Can't win them all.... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

IDK!!	Is this how YOU feel?, 'cause I can't say I relate. I feel VERY sad for those who have lost their children for ANY reason and somewhat sad for those who can't procreate. Hell, I even feel sad for some who DO procreate. I know it was one of the toughest time I've ever had. Pregnancy sucks. I don't see people hatin' on those who want to get pregnant and can do it with ease. ETA ---I totally disagree that pregnancy is controlable and that infertility is not. . I had NO control over my 3 pregnancy, my first was a miscarriage, second was a partial molar pregnancy and the third was 35 weeks of hell. Now my hudband CHOSE infertility, he had a vasectomy July 2007. A lot of what we choose to do contrubites to our fertility and many times thing that are out of our control effects our pegnancies. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Opedial	I would disagree. I find that infertility is quite normal nowadays and people don't really feel for them the way they used oto. I don't think that people think there is something wrong with getting pregnant easy, but looking through the lens of someone who can't conceive it seems, for lack of a better word, unfair to them that there are those who get pregnant accidentally, and end up "giving" their children away. I agree that some people label the "birth" mothers. I don't, I will judge each on its own merit. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

gypsywinter	I sincerely doubt that any Natural mother has any wish to be felt sorry for/to be pitied. I know I surely don't and never have. There is no 'fair' in adoption..somebody wins, somebody loses. "" What is so wrong with getting pregnant easy?" Absolutely nothing is wrong if a female gets pregnant easy...is just the way her human body operates. The 'wrong' is when women who cannot conceive start 'coveting' the fertility and children of another woman. Life is not fair, never was, never will be...but 'coveting' will not make it right or fair either. Society has now determined that fertile women should share the 'fruits' of their bodies with those unfortunate enough not able to have their own. Afterall, those 'fertile mrytles' can always have another one...so share the Wealth!! What's wrong with one missing kid anyway...right? Birth Things are for Birthing....ONLY! ETA: Poor He Hates His Mommy and all 'Birthers'....Your Hatred is showing! Only one woman gave birth to you and surrendered you....not the entire population of surrendering mothers! You would be a 'birther's' living nightmare, I suspect... if one searched and found YOU! Didn't you have a wunnerful life being adopted? ETA: "Infertility isn't. A woman can't help being infertile." You have got to be kidding?? Are you saying that a woman who waits until she is nigh onto 40 or over..before she says to herself..."Ooops..I forgot I wanted to have a baby" had no control over her fertility or lack of, at a pre-menopausal age?? The woman that is morbidly obese or starves herself has no control over her fertility or lack of because of these conditions? The woman that used several abortions (I am pro-choice, but not as an ongoing birth control method) as a method of birth control, had no control either? Very few women are born infertile, but just as surrendering mothers are castigated about their lifestyle choices...the same goes for those women who 'chose' lifestyles that may have harmed their fertility...so it goes for the males also! Surrendering mothers aren't the only ones that made purported 'choices'... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

red elephants	Being infertile is not a choice whereas deciding to sign away parental rights is a choice that the parent made. That doesn't mean I think that birth mothers are bad people. I just don't feel sorry for them because of a choice that they made. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

kateiskate	I feel sorry for both of them. However, I feel more sorry for natural moms. Why? Because losing a child is traumatic and devastating even if it was your choice to do so. I do feel sorry for couples who are infertile due to genetics or illnesses. Grapesgum really said it better than I ever could. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

grapesgum	I feel sorry for those who cannot conceive due to unexplained fertility and inherited disorders. I do not feel sorry to people who are infertile because they used their fertile years to travel, make money, and accumulate a lot of junk. I do not feel sorry for people who are infertile because they made bad choices with regards to their health and are smokers, obese, anorexic, bulimic, did drugs, or have STDs. Not an ounce of sympathy there and it makes me angry to see them begging for babies from other parents. I do feel very sorry for women who relinquished their babies and have regrets. They were used by the adoption industry and the adoptive parents who support it. "What so wrong with getting pregnant so easy?" They are able to do what infertile couples try desperately to do and can't. They are an emotional enigma to infertile couples - both hated and adored. Adored because they can produce "the prize" - hated and despised because they can reproduce. They are considered incompetent sluts because infertile people cannot fathom that people can get pregnant while using birth control. Their "incompetence" is just anther justification of why they do not "deserve" to keep their babies. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Jennifer L	Oh, I don't know. Infertile women get all sorts of negative vibes on this forum. Let's see "baby crazy", "greedy", "entitled", "mental illness", "Not meant to be a parent", "obese, old and STD ridden", etc. I'm not saying that it's fair that first mothers get the short end of the stick, but if you think they are the only ones that get treated badly, you haven't been paying attention. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Flying Monkey #073177	I think it has been summed up nicely already. "Birth" mothers are dirty, irresponsible, stupid little beasts who made a "choice". Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

life is like the ocean	Natural mothers are preyed upon by adoption agencies, who are like vultures swooping in at the mom's most vulnerable time, and coerce the hell out of her solely for a baby. It will take natural mom years to know what hit her, to unravel all the lies. This is all to fulfill their quota, and for big money. It is not about what is good for the child. The agency makes sure that infertile adoptive couples are shown in a very favorable light to society as a whole, in a very compassionate way. Otherwise, they would not be in business very long. The agency is in business to serve their clients. Infertile couples are their paying clients. Making the natural mother smaller and less significant makes them feel more powerful. They know adoption is cruel and inhumane, but feel that adoption will be seen as justifiable if they make the natural mother into a monster instead of telling the truth of how she was duped out of her baby. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No