Why are there so many bitter women on here who harass anyone who is looking to adopt?

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yeahright	You go girl.... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

TerraMere	This is a decision only you can make. It is good to hear other view points. Most people here speak from their own experience. Adoption is is a big decision and one that is good think about some as it has life long implications. If you have thought about it and feel adoption is right for you and your baby then that is great. Your reasoning seems sound to me. There are some that will agree with you on this decision and others who won't. I am an adoptive mother and know friends with other mothers of adopted children. This is the only place I call myself an adoptive mom (because I think it is helpful in understanding my perspective). In the rest of my life I am just a mom who loves her child. I also feel his birth mom is wonderful person and I still stay in touch with her. I have a hard time relating to the image of the evil adoptive parent because I don't think I really know any. I do know someone who adopted a child out of the foster care system who is pretty upset with the birth mother for abuse of the child earlier in life, that is as close as I can get from personal experience. That having been said I am sure there are people who agree to an open adoption on both sides of the fence and then don't follow through. That is inexcusable in my book but I know it happens. Yes sometimes it is hard having to allow other people into your life or your child's life and there are moments when one just wants to be "normal" but a promise is a promise. I believe this is what is best for the child and everyone else for that matter. I think you can find plenty of honorable people who want to adopt. I would pick the people you place your child with carefully. Make sure you feel comfortable with them. By the way placing a baby does not make you a bad person either. It sounds like you are looking at making an adoption plan for all the right reasons. I am soooo happy you are not having an abortion. I wish you and your baby all the best. Just go with what YOU feel is best in your heart of hearts for you and your baby in the long run. Take care and God bless. ~T Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

blairnative	I agree with you 100%. Adoptions stirs lots of deep emotions, its not a topic most people can or will approach without a deep-seated opinion, based on their own experience. Women who place offspring into the adoption process understandably have serious feelings. I respect that. However, I am an adoptee. and an adoptive parent. I think what you are doing, as long as you have thought it through carefully, is a beautiful thing. It has pain associated with it too. I dont know a single adoptive parent...who ever moves from a mental perspective of "snatching a baby"...i just dont. adoption is beautiful. i am reminded of that every time i look at my jamaican-american mom (i am so white!), or i look at my gorgeous korean children. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Emily	I asked a question regarding my daughter who is pregnant and 13 and got the same responses. As if a 13 year old can raise a child. She can't even get a job or drive to doctor's appointments! These posters are probably just bitter, but don't worry most adoptees fair much better and don't need to spend their time insulting others. I think it is great that you are doing what is best for yourself and your child. It is great that you care enough for you child to give it the family it deserves and aren't trying to live off of the government like so many others. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sophie	I don't know why there are "so many bitter women on here who harass anyone who is looking to adopt." The nasty ones are horrible people with no lives and my best guess is that they tried to adopt and were turned down for one reason or another. As for those who come in here looking for a baby to adopt, well, Yahoo is not where people should be looking to find a baby. There are agencies and lawyers, even social services where those folks can look to get information. I believe if you want to parent your child you should. It may be hard at first, but there is alot of help out there that you may not be aware of. I also believe that if you do NOT want to parent your child, then you should NOT. Be honest with yourself and take time thinking about all of your options before you make your decision. It's up to you to make the best decision for you and your baby. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Riot Rocker	I often wonder this myself. People overreact far too eagerly here. I'm the birthmother to a wonderful baby boy who was adopted. I placed him for adoption for many of the reasons you did. It's an open adoption and the family is completely okay with me being around. It's very clear between us who is the true parent and who isn't. If you're planning an open adoption, don't be afraid to develop an obnoxiously close bond with the adoptive mom. I know that the woman who adopted my little boy is definitely my best friend, when before I barely knew her. People here are horrendously bitter and self pitying. No, it's not a guarantee the open adoption will stay open. A girl I knew placed for an open adoption, but she started getting into drugs and being a really negative influence on the child. As adoptive PARENTS, I think they had the better judgment to keep their son away from her. It wasn't because they didn't want to keep the relationship with the mother, it's just that she was down right crazy. Who wants that? Really, just ignore them. I went through a lot of hazing from my friends, family and even strangers about placing for adoption. People get downright nasty. But really, who knows better than Mother, right? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Philippa	What the heck? Who are these bitter women? In fact who are you to be so insulting? Unless you have been through the same experience as any of these 'bitter' women you have no right to critise them as they have every right to tell the truth and be repected for their honesty. Oh but I forgot I'm probably one of these bitter women you're referring to but if you don't like the truth that's your problem not mine. Well good for you for making the right decision for you and I genuinely mean it. Not all mothers to be are in a position to parent, you have given good reasons why you shouldn't but it doesn't give the right to critise those who are hurting because of adoption. I am very thankful for the online support I get which INCLUDES decent adoptive parents and foster carers plus the support I get in real life. My son's adoptive parents ar really lovely people who were horrified to find out the truth behind my son's adoption. To me that makes them real parents as they raised my son well, love him to bits but also agree that that there is a dark side to adoption. Be happy with your decision and I hope in 18 years + time you aren't hit with the reality that adoption isn't always good Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Voice of reason	You sound like a very sweet and loving girl. And I am sorry anyone would be rude to you or talk down to you. But you come across as having, brains, strength, morals, and dignity. So don't worry about the type of people who don't. ;) Best wishes Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

myst1998	So anyone who doesn't believe in promoting separating a mother and her child is labelled bitter? That is a wrong definition and use of the word. I am sorry you cannot see how you can keep you child and get through college. Many other mothers have succeeded in doing what you see as impossible and are thankful they did not give away their flesh and blood. Maybe you need to do some serious research into the effects of adoption and see that there are a good number of people saying adoption is no good. Professionals who have studied the effects for years have come to see how much damage adoption can do as well. I don't see why you are so worried about this baby being aborted or not considering you don't respect him/her enough and keep referring to this baby as an it? Keeping a baby is NOT selfish, its NATURE whereas to give away your baby for adoption is NOT natural and a man made permanent solution to a temporary hiccough. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

xlinzx88x	Heavy conscience? You seem to care an awful lot about what other people have to say. If you're so dead set on giving your baby away then that's your mistake, go for it. Just don't bother crying about it when you realize how SELFISH you were for putting your baby in a household of strangers. Sure, you've convinced yourself that you'll be fine but what about your little one? Your baby grows in your womb, hears your heartbeat, knows your voice and even knows you by scent. I feel saddened for that baby, you're going to rip her away from everything shes known because you don't want to take responsibility for your actions. Just because an agency is going to help shirk you of any responsibility and allow you to nonchalantly alter that baby's life for all eternity, doesn't mean its right. You're not emotionally ready for a child, who is from the start? You only realize you're ready for a baby after laboring for hours on end and not even noticing the pain once you hold her in your arms. You call us women bitter but we only want to offer a hand and help you realize how callous you're being. You do have choices and there is help, you choose not to acknowledge it. Its your own fault. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

kateiskate	Wow, for someone who has asked a question about other "bitter women" you yourself come off sounding like a very bitter, condescending woman who is too selfish to seek assistance in order to raise her child. There is a lot of help out there for you and yes, times will be hard, but fighting for your child is admirable and an unselfish and "selfless" act. It is your job as this child's mother to provide for him the best you can. You should really be less concerned with how bitter people sound on Y!A and more concerned with how you will support your child and finish school. It is not impossible and it has been done. But then again, I doubt any of those people that made it work were quite so bitter as you. It takes a positive attitude to succeed. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

coleblondehead	If youve thought about all the options and you come to the realization that your only option is adoption, then dont pay no mind to those bitter people, my mother had a saying that i always take into consideration before judging people, its a Mexican saying so Iwill translate it, you cant know how other peoples cooking is in their pot, only the person cooking it knows, basically what this means is you cant judge other peoples lives unless youve lived in their shoes. So I dont judge young women, whats the point of harassing you, youre already pregnant, you made your decision, in this life we all have to make very difficult decisions, God only gave me one child and then made me sterile, he gave me a great gift, maybe Ill adopt someday. So just try and find the best parents for that child. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sarah	There will be people who will be against your decision and those who will be there to support your decision. The reality is you can't please everyone. Ultimately, what people say about your decision, are just what they are, opinions. They can't stop you from doing it. Nor can they force you to do it. It all comes down to you. How you feel about your decision, now, and in the future, is unknown. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mich1	I'm sorry people are being so rude to you. What you are doing is one of the most generous things one human can do for another, trying to give your child a better life, even if it's not with you. I have two friends who were adopted, and they are wonderful people. Please don't let nasty people on here make you change your mind to give your child a better life than you can. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

snowwillow20	You are the only one who can make this decision, but I hope and pray that you are able to cope with the loss of your baby for the rest of your life. It's a hurt that never heals. We are not bitter, we just know how it is. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sunny	I don't know what question you're referring to, but I'm betting the "bitter women" you're citing are probably trying to save you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Ask yourself--what do they have to gain? Answer: nothing. The 'supportive' people have plenty to gain--they HOPE for your baby--don't believe me? Check your mailbox. All the excuses you've come up with are the "small stuff". Carrying and delivering a human being is the "big stuff". It will not be an event that you can get over, and move on from. Unless you have the emotional inner workings of a farm animal, you will be scarred for the rest of your life, and so will your child. Instead of coming up with problems as to why this won't work, why not cogitate on how you CAN make this work? What most people don't realize is that giving a child up to adoption is a permanent 'solution' to a temporary problem(s). I think you ought to do some research, I've included some links that should help crystallize your thinking. And in the future, if you're not "emotionally ready to have a child", do everyone a favor, and use some decent birth control. http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org http://www.amfor.net/ http://www.origins-usa.org http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm http://www.babyscoopera.com http://www.bastards.org/bq/babb2.html Adoption studies: http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionforensics,0919-7.htm http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/topics/psychopathstudies.htm http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/wendys_pres.html Books: The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton The Adopted Break Silence by Jean Paton The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

grapesgum	Your child is not an "it". He/she is a person who will someday come back to you and ask you why he/she was given away. Perhaps you should get in touch with this mom who also got pregnant in college and was dismayed at her lack of options. She did not want abortion and was only given adoption as the alternative. She figured out how to parent with help from friends and is now trying to help others. http://news.adoption.com/uni/frame.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.insidevandy.com%2Fdrupal%2Fnode%2F7110&name=Program+for+Single+Parents+to+Raise+Child It is a shame that colleges do not offer more help. Do you want people to lie to you and tell it is easy to lose a child? That won't happen here because people have lived the reality. If you want lies, go to an adoption agency. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

realmom lese	Yes, adoption is such a loving option. The daughter I placed for adoption loved being brutalized and beaten by her "loving" "better" "richer" adoptive parents on a daily basis. Sure, this is not going to happen in every adoptive home, but how will you know? Open adoptions are not enforceable by law. That is what you will be promised, as I was, to get you to sign. Then the door slams in your face. Believing in adoption the way you are, is like believing in the tooth fairy. You are going into this blindly. You are falling for the propaganda hook, line and sinker. You need to listen to people that have nothing to gain by adoption, the people that ARE you a few years down the road. We were the SAME as you. You should listen seriously to our regrets, because they are going to be the same regrets you will carry in your heavy heart and empty arms. Call me bitter if you want, I earned my right to be bitter. I am just trying to save you the trouble of finding out the hard way like most of us natural mothers have. Best of luck. You will need it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

MamaKate	I haven't seen anything I would call "harassing". (Sure there are some rudely worded answers but they aren't "harrassing".) Most of the people (regulars) on this board who have placed children are adoptees and some APs and PAPs who "get it" (because they are LIVING IT) are trying to educate others about the choices they are making. They are wanting to prevent suffering. Anyone considering adoption should make sure that they are aware of ALL your options and the possible outcomes PRIOR to making such a life altering decision. Unfortunately, adoption facilitators fail miserably at honest education and information. http://www.keepyourbaby.com/ http://www.cubirthparents.org/ (read Heather's pamphlet) http://www.exiledmothers.com/ Just FYI, there ARE other options and lots of assistance out there if you choose to keep your child. There is temporary guardianship, co/shared parenting, etc. There are resources for you to get grants for school, housing, food, medical and other support. http://www.usa.gov/Citizen/Topics/Family.shtml http://www.coabode.com/ http://www.angelfoodministries.com/ http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=grants+for+parents&fr=yfp-t-501&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8 http://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=A0geu.vo3M9JrH4BLuZXNyoA?p=single+parent+support&y=Search&fr=yfp-t-501 Many people feel "disconnected" prior to actually seeing and holding their child as well. I would suggest that you make no permanent decisions until AFTER you have done so. Adoption can happen at anytime after birth (even adults can be adopted) and you will have NO problem finding parents who will "choose" your child. Choosing your child is a myth. Most APs do not "choose" a child. They take the one that is available. Good luck with your decision, I hope that you will make it after you are fully educated about your choices and especially about the possible effects and problems of adoption. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

annie	People are against everything. My friend is pregnant and going through what you are. When she wanted an abortion she was talked out of it with both pregnancies. and then talked out of adoption and what worse people actually call CPS _Child protective services_ on her because they don’t like that she is poor with a child. So to recap… they called her a murder for wanting an abortion… and abandoner for wanting adoption and a bad mother for keeping her child. She is due with #2 and picked a family friend to adopt I hope it will work out. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Kat	Some women/men had bad experiences being adopted or just don't like the system. What you're doing is an amazing and strong thing to do, you're looking out for this baby and that's the best thing you can do. I'm so proud of people who put so much care and thought into their child's lives =) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Independ"ant"	Why do you care so much? Sounds like your conscience is getting the better of you. Whether you're Ap pretending to be a pregnant teen or are one......keep talking. You'll eventually get it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Heather B	Perhaps they're the ones who weren't too chuffed about losing their mothers I grieved the loss of my mother like she'd died despite being adopted into a loving family. If that makes you want to name-call throwing 'bitter' out there then so be it Whichever way you slice or dice it or pretty it up with 'noble loving act', 'chosen' or 'special' there is no guarantee that your child won't grow up feeling abandoned - for a car and the refusal to postpone or re-organize school arrangements Oh, and there are some guys here too ;) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Rivkah	The other side of the "selfish" argument is that it's selfish to have sex without worrying about the consequences. You had sex, now you're pregnant. It happened to me, too. I had my daughter as a teenager. I was alone (my husband was a private, and only allowed to come see me once a month), tired, and in debt. Leaving law school was not an option for me (the only reason I got a scholarship was because I got a perfect score on the LSAT out of high school), and neither was going back to live with my family. It was hard. I cried myself to sleep more often than not. You can finish school. You can start an online degree program, and you can move back in with your parents, if they allow it. You can work out a deal with them where they take care of your baby while you look for a job. You could, plausibly, raise your baby. If it's going to cause you traumatic emotional distress, don't do it. The thing is, though, it's almost guaranteed that at some point in the future, you will miss your child. You'll wonder how they're doing, what they look like, whether their parents are raising them the way you would have wanted. When you get married and have other children, you'll feel the absence at every birthday, vacation, and holiday. That's just how it is. When my eldest daughter was 13, I sent her to a school in Israel for six months. Six months of absence almost killed me. A lifetime of absence definitely would have. Read about adoption, from all three sides of the story. Someone else's path might not be the right one for you. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

tish_part deux	i'm happy you've chosen to breed for others.. that's noble. /sarcasm. but... to marginalize another's experience and then call someone RUDE who holds contrary views from yours is a bit, well.... rude. a couple of things: 1) you can NOT guarantee your baby will have a better life. people divorce, are abusive, lose their job, et al. 2) open adoption is NOT legally enforceable. so i hope you're perfectly fine with the idea that you might never see your child again. 3) raising the child that you conceived is NOT selfish. 4) make sure you go down to student health and get on a reliable form of birth control. to second grapesgum: if you want lies, call an adoption agency. i wish you well.... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Carol c	I agree that if you've researched all of your options and believe adoption is the right decision for you and your child - then of course do what feels right in your heart. You sound as if you've given this alot of thought. I admire any woman who thinks things through before making important decisions. You might wish to consider however, that when someone comes on YA and asks a question and the response they get is not what they hoped for; it's not fair to call those who were kind enough to answer and express their own opinion - "bitter women". If we ask a question - we've got to be adult enough to accept different points of view. I would also guess that some of whom you suggest are bitter women, are PAPs who weren't able to adopt. Wishing you only the best. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Erin L	Yes, it gets judgemental here sometimes, doesn't it? I understand that. I think that, if you are FULLY aware of the impact of each of your options, then you absolutely should be able to choose whichever you want without judgement. That said, try not to be judgemental yourself with the people giving their opinions, which you ask for when coming here. Most of the people telling you that they believe you should keep your baby are probably worried that you are being coerced, which happens a lot. Many times the decision to place a baby for adoption is done without fully understanding how it will affect you as a relinquishing parent and how it will affect your baby. Many are also adoptees who know how they feel about being adopted, and those feelings can't just be dismissed as having freak bad adoptive parents, because most love their parents and have good ones. Try to listen to them and consider that YOUR child may feel that way. Good luck. Just try to look past the judgementalness here and get at where feelings come from. I know it can be hard. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Flying Monkey #073177	If you are about to relinquish your child why are you so concerned with how people are treating those looking to adopt? Wait a few months and then be concerned with how the view of YOU changes. You will go from selfless saint to used up crack wh*re faster than you can bat an eye. Do what you feel you have to. If you have a problem with certain people why not email them directly and have an adult conversation instead of posting silly rants? BTW, your reasoning for choosing adoption is what sounds selfish to me, not keeping your child. Heaven forbid you put yourself out a bit for your own flesh and blood. Guess I should give mine up before I start school this fall then hey? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

kidmindi	Don't let other ppls opinions get you down. As long as you know that you have the option to keep your child, and that there is financial help out there should you decide to parent, and have made the choice for adoption, then it is no one else's business. I have a problem with ppl who pressure young scared pregnant girls into giving away their babies because of financial concerns. But as long as you know what's available to you, and you still choose adoption then so be it. I was an adopted child and I don't like the way my APs handled things but hopefully your child's APs will be honest with him/her abt the adoption. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Jackie B	No one is going to tell you how it REALLY feels when you relinquish a baby more honestly than a mother who has done it. No one can tell you what to do, but you should be FULLY informed on all aspects of adoption before you sign your rights away. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Robin	What the heck are you whining about? Seriously? You keep asking the same question, but don't like the answers you're getting. So stop asking! And what a tale you spin...I'm not sure you're for real or just stirring the pot. On the off chance that you are for real, I'll respond. You write that you "don't even have a job right now". Well, get one! I worked P/T the entire time I was in college while carrying a full load academically AND caring for my daughter. No contact with my family. When my car was broken down & I couldn't afford car repairs, I rode a bike or took the bus. I took my daughter on the bus with me to school or to her DR's appointments. "Poor college student" HA! You don't even know what poor is all about. Have you had to wash clothes by hand in a sink? "School is already hard enough"? If school is so hard, where did you find the time to be messing around? You used a condom alone. You're in college yet you don't know the failure rate of condoms &/or didn't bother using a spermicide in addition to a condom? Find a Planned Parenthood office & become educated about birth control. Planned Parenthood even provides free health screenings & birth control. You weren't being responsible. And giving up your child so your life won't be inconvenienced isn't being responsible. It's taking the easy way out. (or so it seems right now) It IS the selfish thing to do because you're only thinking about yourself. "...in the conditions I have"? Cry me a freakin' river! You're living in a dorm. You have no idea how hard life can really be. You're right about one thing. You're probably not emotionally ready to be a parent. Adoption may be in the best interest of your child - to (hopefully) find stable, loving parents. I say "hopefully" because sadly, adoption doesn't guarantee your child a stable, loving home regardless of what the ads say. I know b/c I was adopted by alcoholic parents & an emotionally & physically abusive mother. Oh, but you don't want to hear about that possibility. Oops. Sorry. You come into this forum with a condescending attitude accusing all you don't agree with of being "insulting". What do you expect in return? If you don't want to hear all sides of the adoption story, Y!A isn't the place to ask your question. An adoption agency will be happy to make you feel good about relinquishing your child. I'd suggest the book, "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler to give you an idea of what your future might be not knowing where your child is or how he/she is doing...but you don't want to know other points of view. Good luck to you. And I do mean that. I hope you figure it out for yourself and for the child you're carrying. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No