What can we do to take away the bitterness?

Show all answers

Post your answer

reds_1990	Those people are not people of Faith or they have a chemical inbalance don't worry bout those ...takes all kinds to make the world go round...God Bless you & your Family Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

suthyrngrl	I'm adopted and I am so happy that my parents chose me. I am their daughter and they ARE my parents. I have no idea why people want to steal other people's joy. You enjoy YOUR son/daughter and give him/her the best life possible!! Some people we can not help because they simply will not help themselves. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

yeahright	I don't care that people post their feeling about their own situation good or bad--I hear it, I acknowledge it and I DON'T dismiss them. I care however -- when they to "SPREAD" ill will, go on the attack or go one step further to TRY to make other people feel bad about their own situation if they express being happy about being adopted. Some--not all--unhappy folks seem to go crazy when others are happy. Fanning the flames. Deconstruction vs constructive contribution. Adoption is born out of loss--acknowledged...being able to make the best of your life for whatever circumstances (adopted or not) you have a choice and you owe it to yourself to live the best life you have--another story all together. And for the folks who are offended by the word bitter-reread their words and look up the definition. Own it. You sound bitter. Why be offended by that? If that is the demeanor you are going to embrace on here--and it seems many of you do--than stop being offended and own it and be the best bitter poster ever. It is good to be good at something. I don't discount experiences; I acknowledge and participate in reform and I get thumbs down for my views--but atleast I own it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

purplelover	Wow that is sad, you must have had a bad experience on here. Some people are bored and think they are funny. I think you are a saint if you adopted a child. And yes, that is your child. don't listen to anyone!! Me and my mother argue about the new octuplet mom. I think people should leave her alone, and my mom thinks she should be shot. It's sad. But, everyone is gonna give their opinion, just don't take everything to heart, and enjoy YOUR CHILD. I am sure you will be a great PARENT. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Roberta P	1. Counseling 2. Encourage them to do something to improve the futures of new adoptees (keeping BC unsealed, mandatory health records that are updated throughout the bio parents lives). This won't help most of the "bitter" people here but will prevent future "bitter" adoptees. 3. Recognize that some people need drama or bitterness in their lives to function or to define them. Just not adoptees but all walks of people fall into this category. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

goodquestion	Go away. That would work. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lori A	I am puzzled as to why you can not understand that people like my daughter can have good, great actually, adoption experiences and still see the need for change within the industry. You seem to feel that anyone who wants change is against the adoptive parents. Not entirely so, some may be but certainly not all. If someone hurt you with their inconsiderate words about not being a real parent, there is nothing I personally can do about that. Just like there is nothing you can do about all the hateful things I have had to listen to about being a woman who surrendered. My daughter loves her parents, she has the utmost respect for them. But she now also has her story, and it has done nothing but created an inner peace for her. So my questions for you are: What can the people who want to see change in the adoption industry do to take away your fear? How can we convince you that it is absolutely necessary for the well being of future adoptee's, surrendering parents, and perspective adoptive parents, to point out the wrongs that have been done to previous adoptees, surrendering parents, and adoptive parents, in order to secure a better experience for those who come behind? You call it poisioning, I call it exposure. You call it bitterness, I call it reform. You say its not necessary, I wonder why you have no compassion and want to repeat the cycle? How do we make this happen if the down side is not exposed? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Laurel J	You say "don't start judging other people's situations." I hope you will try this too. Because my adoption experience was as good as they come. One thing that makes me feel bitter is the constant assumption that, because I can see adoption needs reforming, I must have been mistreated. I don't talk about your parents that way. So if you really want me to feel less bitter, you could stop that. Thank you. "We haven't got the resources to heal the hurt in your life." Bingo. So why do you ask? Why, especially, do you ask and then describe the kind of answer you want? Really, can you not see how counterproductive that is, and how arrogant? To insist that you control the tone of adoption discourse? It only keeps you from learning the true answers to your question. But if you really do want to know how you can help, I apologize and offer this. Here's what you can do: get out of our way, or better yet, join us--help us reform adoption so it contains as little bitterness as possible. This would accomplish much, much more than sitting at your computer wondering what's wrong with all of us and sort of, I dunno, wanting to give us a big snuggly hug and a Band-Aid so we'll stop yelling. And it might well make you feel better too. But don't bother to read me. I don't employ the tone you specify must be used with you when telling you how YOU can help ME, so I must not be reasonable. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

mourali j	Sorry, I just advise : - you can adopt a child but you keep his original family name. And when he is conscious, let him know his or her original family. Then you could let him live with you and you have then made a great great action (when you adopt an orphan child) and God bless you. - in religion (islam for example) this is the way by which you could adopt a child and this will be benefit for you and for the child. I say this not just because you chose to adopt. Good day Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Justice	First: 1. You can start by not being so presumptive about "taking away the bitterness". Gak. 2. Develop the resources to take care of the children you've "adopted" with full recognition of and connection to their original families. 3. Give up the illusion that you are in a "better situation" than those you label as bitter. Second: Asking "bitter" people to be happy for others that have received the blessing of a child through adoption? In the larger context, you've received a "blessing" at their expense and they should be happy about it? What "well" are you referring to being poisoned? That reference is offensive. As a woman who lost her firstborn to adoption I would be happy to see the adoption agencies dry up from lack of merchandise. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Flying Monkey #073177	I WAS going to answer this honestly, with my own thoughts and feelings but lets face it... You don't give a rats behind what anyone has to say unless they are stroking your own beliefs. If you want a hero cookie I suggest you start baking. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Madam Bari	What, exactly, do you mean that people who have had more pain than they should have? Do you have a little pocket gauge for registering how much pain a person has? Is there a specific formula you use to determine if the pain that that gauge says they have is less than, greater than, or equal to the amount of pain their life experiences have allotted them? You seem like the person with a problem to me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Joy M	Cash Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

amyburt40	Quit enabling the adoption industry as an addict. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mei-Ling	"I am tired of people saying that my child is not mine, and that I am not a parent, just because I chose to adopt." I've never said that your adopted child wasn't your own. Your child just also happens to be the son/daughter of another woman. "For those people that choose to feel this way: What is it that we can do to take that bitterness away?" Listen and empathize. Don't take the knee-jerk reaction and think or say "bitter." That label already implies that you don't want to listen because it casts a misperception on those of us who speak out about the negative aspects. Basically, you've already formed an opinion - by using the "bitter" label - so you're hearing, but not really listening. You've already formed the opinion that we're "bitter" right? So then what good does it do to educate you if you aren't willing to listen? "If there is something that I, or anyone else, can do to make you feel better, please say so. We haven't got the resources to heal the hurt in your life." Listen and empathize. Don't let your perception of how you "think" we should feel miscommunicate what we're actually saying. "However, you have the resources to not degrade or cast aspersions on those that are in a better situation than you are." And that better situation is...? "Why can't you just be happy for others that have received the blessing of a child through adoption?" I am. I just happen to feel quite righteous on behalf of the side of adoption that is dismissed and ignored. You might want to try and brace yourself that your child COULD grow up to say things like you've been reading on here. That they're ungrateful and "bitter"? No, not necessarily. That they miss their first family? It's possible. If you don't want to open your mind to that possibility, then it may come at the cost of not being able to understand your child. We don't do this for you. We do it for your children - to help you understand. Oh, and I NEVER forget that the joy in adoption is based on loss. ETA: "If there is a prevalence of vultures that want nothing more than to say that there is no such thing as a good adoption experience" - an adoption experience can be good. But the primary basis OF adoption is never good because it is based on the separation of mother & child. ETA 2: "I use it because that is what the people that i am referring to are..." Really? So you can peek through your monitor and tell me how I interact with my friends, family and how I go about in life? You believe this site represents all of us in our entireties? ETA 3: "I can't think of any area of life that is immune to corruption and deceit." I also can't think of any other area of life that holds the unspoken expectation to be grateful. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Where were you	Look the only reason I feel negative about adoption is the simple fact the moment after I delivered my son 2 years ago the first question out of the nurses mouth was do you want to put him up for adoption? That is why I am bitter by those seeking to adopt an infant out of the mother's womb. Had I wanted to put my child up for adoption arrangements would have been made prior to his birth. That is not a question you ask when a woman delivers a baby. I was married then, had bought a house 6 months prior and had a 2 year old daughter (she is now 4). There was no reason to ask if I wanted to put the baby up for adoption. I don't care that I was only 20 years old having my second child and I don't care if I looked like a 14 year old. Oh well I look young so just try to talk me out of my baby. If you can take away that memory I might not feel so hostile about people wanting to adopt newborns. After that happened I also started looking into adoption and how some kids are kidnapped so they could be placed for adoption. How babies feel separation anxiety from being taken away from their mothers and all the negatives for obtaining a newborn or infant. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

grapesgum	What can you do? Stop telling people that "<they> have had more pain than they should have". Start telling every person you know that, although you are happy, adoption is not win-win-win. Read about the leaders of the civil rights movement who were told to shut up and stop rocking the white-privilege boat. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

a healing adoptee	i'm not understanding your question. are you calling the ones on here that are striving for better adoption practices, bitter? Or ones that say hey wait a minute there are some feelings that your adopted child may have concerning adoption. i don't think most are being bitter, i think they are trying to inform you that adopted child have needs and need ways to express their feelings about their adoption and have questions answered about their adoption. doesn't mean they are bitter, they are just trying to help you understand your adopted child better. please don't judge Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Randy B	Sometimes you gotta know when to pick your battles and when to let things that don't really matter go. People are entitled to their opinions. They are built upon there own life experiences and who are we to try to tell them they are wrong? While I may not agree with them, and I'm positive they don't agree with me, that doesn't make any of their experiences less valid. If their opinions influence someone else, as I'm sure mine and your do, then the person being influenced by them must be open to that influence in the first place. If you don't agree, then agree to disagree and carry on. It will save you plenty of Malox. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Not Adopted	Here's an idea - stop calling people "bitter." Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sunny	But LC, we are not YOUR adoptees. You have your very OWN little adoptees, and I've no doubt that you are managing their potential bitterness just fine. For now. Don't worry about us. Move on with your life. Maybe you ought to seek counseling to find out why other people's feelings upset you so much. Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth.... You can't manage the would LC. Let go, hon. Just.let.it.all.go. Ahh...... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Heather B	Stop saying that adoptees don't deserve the same rights as others to information about their own lives Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Isabel A	You seem to ask this question repeatedly. Every six weeks or so you get a bee in your bonnet and start asking questions about bitter adoptees. Perhaps YOU are the one with a problem. What do you care what random strangers think? UNLESS your little adoptlings are rebelling. Is that what's going on? Bummer for you. Maybe giving them their original birth certificates and their medical histories will make them feel better. Treating adoptees like people and not problems or property usually goes a long way too. Hope you can sort things out. ETA: I just remembered that awhile back you claimed to be an adoption attorney. Yes, I can see how those bitter adoptees must be affecting your profits. It must be hard when the commodity speaks out against something that makes you money. Especially in this economy. How embarrassing! Good luck with that. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

kateiskate	"I think the only thing that "will take this bitterness away" is if everyone else will just AGREE WITH EVERYTHING this group says, use just the terminology THEY want us to use and make THEIR opinions OUR opinions" What freaking FREAKING hypocrisy. If I agree with my adoptive parents who don't KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE to experience this type of loss and then have it go unacknowledged I won't be bitter anymore will I? If I fall in line and spout the propaganda that I'm "supposed" to shout I'll be a "good" adoptee right? Well screw being good and being nice. Being good and being nice never changed any injustice or any corruption in history and it won't change the corruption and problems in adoption. Go ahead and be in denial that there aren't problems in the system. Go ahead and believe that adopted kids shouldnt ever feel loss or confusion. Be part of the problem instead of a part of the solution. I'm not going to fall in line, shut up, go away, etc. If you want to call me bitter? Fine. But you won't take the bitterness out of adoption while there are still people who are a part of the problem, people who try to halt revolution, try to stop change. There will always be bitterness when the victims of a multi billion dollar industry are told to shut up and be happy. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Zuko	What you, and people like you on here, can do... Hmm... well, for one, you can stop telling all of us 'bitter' adoptees that we're nothing more than ungrateful liars and drama queens who should just shut up and be happy we weren't aborted or thrown in a dumpster. I would be the last person who would tell you you're not a parent. Because I believe that I have three parents... my two a-parents and the one f-parent of mine who is a regular part of my daily life. Very few people here believe that nothing good ever ever comes out of adoption. But there are those here who ARE anti-adoption.. they believe that it should be more of a legal guardianship... There's another group of 'bitter' people in this forum who are NOT anti-adoption... but they ARE pro-reform... meaning they want to change the legal policies AND tactics used by the adoption industry to make it BETTER for the adoptee... the only member of the adoption 'triad' who DIDN'T have a say in the matter at all. What you don't realize is that we're not trying to 'poison the well,' as you so thoughtlessly put it. We're trying to EDUCATE people here... potential first moms, other adoptees, AND adoptive and potential adoptive parents that there ARE things that can do great damage to a child... We speak from our OWN experiences, be they good or bad... After all, isn't the point of a Q&A forum to LEARN something? If you walk around and pretend that no adoptee ever feels loss, all f-moms are crack addicts, and all AP's are the very epitome of perfection in parenting, then maybe YOU'RE the one that needs to open your eyes. Who knows... maybe YOUR adopted child might grow up and feel some loss... And it may not necessarily be a reflection of YOUR parenting... it could just be his or her EXPERIENCE... their thought process. Wouldn't it be better for you to be prepared for it? What if your adopted child wanted to search for his or her f-parents? Would you lay a huge guilt trip on them? Try to do everything you possibly could to keep them from their search? Lie? That hardly seems like the way to go, yet many AP's DO go that route. And how could we possibly put a stop to that if the adoptees who have experienced these things don't actually open their mouths and SAY something? I happen to think that I had a very good adoption experience. And I'm friends with most of the people you are bashing in this 'question.' But just because I had a good adoption experience doesn't mean it was perfect... and doesn't mean that my parents (any of them) were perfect and wouldn't have benefited from the advice of those who HAVEN'T had the greatest experiences. I have felt loss. I've had MANY issues that some of those bitter little adoptlings you're so fond of cutting down have helped me through. We just want people to listen... not because there's just no hope or it's a lost cause... but because WE can prevent it from happening to OTHER children. If you ask a blatantly insulting question that automatically degrades any unhappy adoptee, you should be prepared to suffer the backlash of that particular action. I'm sick and tired of people like you telling me that my loss isn't real, or that I just made it all up, or that I have no right to talk about any pain in my life because of some generic belief that adoption is puppies and roses. I'm also sick and tired of the 'martyr mommies.' The ones who expect some shiny gold badge for adopting a child. That irritates me beyond belief... children ARE NOT charity cases. They're kids. As a parent, I believe that you may understand what I mean, yes? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Philippa	'However, just because you can't get over the drama that you feel the need to perpetuate in your life, don't start judging other people's situations.' - So it's okay for you to judge but not for others to judge 'Why can't you just be happy for others that have received the blessing of a child through adoption?' - Blessing for you but not for those who were forced to surrender when they are capable of raising their child or for children who didn't have a choice. I hope you realize that you are the lucky one. I don't have a problem with adoptive parents adopting for the right reasons and I am friendly with some relly nice ones. When I see a negative response to adoption issues I don't see it as being bitter I see it as honest. Another way to look at it is if nobody spoke of the pain and hurt of adoption lessons can't be learnt so how can it be reformed. You come across as very defensive and quite honestly I don't care if you don't like my response. It's no good only plugging the positives the negatives need to be discussed. IMO anything you or others don't like reading on the negatives you put down to bitterness Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Freckle Face	Dear LC, I believe the term "bitter" is extremely condescending and actually quite dismissive. It seems that adoptees aren't quite free enough to speak their own minds. If what adoptees say isn't "happy happy joy joy" about adoption they are quickly labeled as "bitter". How about we stop expecting people to parrot our thoughts and beliefs and actually listen to what adoptees have to say with open minds. Leave dismissive labels where they belong in the trash. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Anha S	Wowsie. Ok. Where to start. Do you honestly want to hear what anyone has to say from the "bitter" category, because in all honesty, it really reaaaaaaally doesn't look like it. First off, I don't perpetuate drama in my life because I don't agree with many adoption practices. My life these days is pretty mellow, even with a preteen on the premesis. You talk about judging, and get your dander in a fluff, but I'm pretty sure you are judging those who have the audacity to not see adoption as a wonderful thing. I don't expect anyone to "heal my pain". And I find it kind of insulting that you seem to think that people who don't agree with you, are somehow in some sort of less than situation. There are people from all sorts of adoption experiences who don't like the practice as it is now. I'm all for adoption from foster care. But I am also pro reform, and pro natural family preservation. Why can't I be happy for those who recieve the "blessing" of adoption? Because while alot of adoptions may turn out well, and positive, is it a blessing for a person to experience the kind of trauma an adopted person has to experience to be available for adoption to begin with? It fosters the same feeling of slight nausea and disbelief I experience when people say that babies are born to the wrong mother, but somehow it was ordained by their god. Children should never be commodities, and the current system of adoption, thats exactly what they are. Adoption ceased being about the children, and started being all about providing children to adults in need. Your child is your child. But your child also has another set of parents. And that should be respected, and honoured. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

cantstopLinnyG	Ummm, stop calling them bitter? I think dismissing adoptee's experiences, whether they seem bitter, or just different than yours to be "spewing", too. I agree, adoption is NOT perfect. That's why I tell my story. I tell it because I hope adoptive parents will not make the mistakes my parents made. They made mistakes because of what the agency TOLD them to do. It was not their fault. I would have been happier had I been permitted to talk about my loss, or openly miss my family, or talk about my differences...but I was not....because that's how things were back then. Sadly, those attitudes are still around. How exactly does one "get over the drama" of losing an entire family, culture, language, or homeland? I have NEVER said an adoptive child is not their adoptive childs parents. Never. nor would I say that about mine. They ARE my parents. You are YOUR child's parent. I have never seen an adoptee here say that, either. BUT- we also have another set of parents...not in the same way as our adoptive parents, but they are parents, nonetheless. We dont ask for ap's here, or anywhere to "make us feel better, or "heal the hurt in our lives". Worry about your own child's hurt...but, since you seem to be so dismissive of adoptee's feelings, it's doubtful your child will ever feel comfortable telling you his or her real feelings. We pick up on those things very early in life. How do you know "you are in a better situation" than anyone else. That's a bit narcisisstic of you. That's another little myth of adoption- it does not guarantee an better life...just a different one. Oh, and adoptees, for the most part do not like to be called "blessings", or "gifts", either. Nor were we "chosen". You need to read a few books, and do it quickly. "Primal Wound", by Nancy Verrier "20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" and "Lost and Found" Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

chazas	This is not all about adoptee bitterness. I love my adoptive parents a great deal, but frankly, adoptees' voices get lost in most places. As an adoptive parent, you may not know how it affects your adopted child until he or she reaches adulthood or even much later. I'm 47 and still coming to terms with it. Adoption has gotten turned on its head. Adoption is supposed to be about providing parents for children who don't have them, not about adoptive parents "receiving the blessing of a child." Your adopted child is your child, but he or she is also the child of his or her biological parents. A system that legally recognizes only one set of parents, and tries to pretend the others don't exist or have any importance at all, is just contrary to reality. The child knows that and, if his or her adoptive parents insist on undivided loyalty, it ultimately will affect their relationship, Adoption can be a wonderful thing in the right circumstances. But it is never, never, simple. That's why we can't "just be happy." In response to LC: Thanks very much for the kind words. I wanted to make sure that you understand a couple of things, though. I didn't have a bad experience growing up, at all. I had a good experience! I love my a-parents. They're not perfect, but no one is. They gave me all the love and support they could. The "hole" that many adoptees ultimately feel, especially those of us from closed adoptions, has little to do with how much we love or don't love our adoptive parents. We can love them to pieces, like I do. But in the end, we are not just the same as bio kids, we have two sets of parents, and that fact impacts us in different ways for our whole lives. For example, when I was in my 30's, my a-parents divorced. While any child would have feelings about that, mine were definitely influenced by being adopted. A marriage is a legal contract - so is an adoption. If a marriage can be dissolved, what about an adoption? I hope that you are aware of and sensitive to the fact that your adopted child likely will have some of these feelings at some point in his or her life, sooner or later. That doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you. In fact, if you listen to and validate those feelings, don't try to stamp it out or dismiss them, you will strengthen your bond! There are those on this site who have been accused of "bitterness" who in reality have much the same view as I do, they're just tired of getting beat up and sometimes lose their patience. I, however, am new here so I'm not so jaded. Give me time! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

MamaKate	Dear LC, By returning adoption to the social service it was intended to be. (Finding families for needy children rather than the other way around.) By eliminating unnecessary/unethical adoptions. By protecting children's rights and the rights of adult adoptees, expectant mothers, fathers and families. By allowing open adoption records and not altering birth certificates. By respecting biology and its importance in the lives of most people. By not making parenting a competition but a group effort on behalf of children. By allowing children to be loved by their entire family. By not dismissing the experiences/feelings of others. By having an open mind. By not glamorizing the adoption experience. By recognizing and addressing adoption (family) issues honestly and with compassion. By not being patronizing and self-righteous when you ask people's advice on adoption. That would be a decent start. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No