What Do You Think of the Term "Life Giver" for a First Parent?

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arial39	i prefer birth mother, or biological mother. and adoptive mother. or just mother. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

ksmink19	In order to avoid confusion, you should use the exact same terms as used by the legal statutes governing family law. If the law calls them birth mother, you should call them birth mother. If the law calls them adoptive parents, then you should call them adoptive parents. These are just silly reactions to names and titles, because the only title, label or name that really matters, is MOM and DAD,,,, the child picks those. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Proud	I think that no matter what you call all these people, SOMEONE will find offense in it. For my family members that were adopted. It was simply "Mom and Dad" for the adoptive parents. There was no "adoptive mother" or "second mother" or "unnatural mother" or all this other nonsense. Their birth parents were their birth parents. They gave birth to them, nothing more than that. They never had anything else to do with them. That's just how THEY look at it. I know there are lots of other people with lots of different circumstances. I think you just have to figure out what works best for your exact situation. I know lots of people who find no offense at all with the term "birth mother". They'll be the first to tell you that they are so-and-so's birth mother. They are the mother that gave birth to them. Its just a fact. Not sure how that can be seen as offensive. To each their own though. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

♥Lucky♥	I think that term is confusing. Technically isn't a kidney donor also a life giver? I think "Birth Mother" and "Adoptive Mother" are more clear and not offensive to anyone. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Jennifer L	I don't think it's a bad term. It's not disrespectful to either sets of parents. It's also very honest. I can see where people who came from abusive backgrounds may not be happy with applying that term to their own parents. It wouldn't bother me to use it, if that was the preference, though. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Randy B	The world has gone PC crazy in my personal opinion. I use the terms I use and don't mean any disrespect by them. For everyone who doesn't like the term "birth mother" or "bio mother" there are others who don't mind them. For every person who likes the term "first parents" there are others who will argue, given the circumstance, that they didn't parent anything in the technical sense of the word. In the case of my youngest, the woman gave birth at home, dropped the baby off at the hospital and didn't return till the day after my wife and I had been appointed as her foster parents and brought the baby home. After that she showed up for only about 25% of the scheduled visits and once contact was severed we adopted the baby. Some would argue that any term involving the word "mother" or "parent" would not be appropriate in that case either. All I'm getting at is that I don't think any agreement will come as to what terms are best to be used. I think it's more the spirit of the terms that needs to be considered. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Indian-vision	I was discussing this on another forum too recently. And my take on this. Every adoption story is not the same. Every adoption depends on several things- 1) situation in which it took place, if it was genuinly without any coercion and honestly a choice of loving mothers , or was it with coercion . or CPS taking away the child and terminating rights forcefully, 2) age of the child during adoption, 3) level of grief felt by the B.mom, etc etc. 4) personal relationship of a A-mom and B-Mom I have no intention of hurting any one. I will not use "real" for any set. I will use whatever term our child's first mother is comfortable with and that i believe is "birthmother'. Its her choice as she wrote in. On whichever forum that respects me as a AP, i will use those terms for the birth mother that is acceptable. I plan to use first mother in the other forum i visit. On this forum that is very disrespectfull towards AP's with name callings like- baby stealer, kidnaper, buyer, infertile women who are mentally imbalanced. I will stick to bio- mother. Give respect and you will get respect is my motto today Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lorrie M	Seems weird to me and trying too hard to be P.C. What's wrong with clear, concise, easy to understand terms like: birth mother or biological mother/father. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mylin	i call my real dad my "sperm donor". it's rude but he was a drunk. my step dad is the only one who was a real father to me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sweet and Spicy	Every one gets mad when I use this term but to me this is all she is. She is the woman that had me or the birth giver. There will never be a mother added to her name. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

MamaKate	Dear Camira, I think it is a horrid use of a perfectly lovely term which would not be at all offensive if applied in other situations. I will never understand how or why "Mother" became such an exclusive term. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

monkeykitty83	It doesn't have particularly better implications for me than "birth mother" (as it still reduces the contribution to a single act,) and has the added disadvantage that 99% of the people you said it to would have no idea what you're talking about, because it isn't a familiar term. It's also way too non-specific to be useful in conversation. The reasons I dislike saying "first mother" are actually different than what you stated. Chronologically, one mother is first and one comes later-- it doesn't for me carry any implication that one is better than the other. The problem for me is that "first" generally signifies something temporary: first car, first job, first home, first wife... all eventually going to be replaced with something else. To me, "first mother" carries the connotation of "starter mother," so I can't bring myself to use it. I have no major issue with "natural mother," but it sounds kind of Discovery Channel, and just isn't a phrase that comes intuitively to me. I'm not fond of "real" because I think all parents are real and important, so I wouldn't apply that term to either set of parents exclusively. I personally use "biological mother" because it's a scientific fact, and you can't really argue with or object to who gave birth to whom. My mother is my biological mother, who also raised me. The fact she raised me doesn't change that we are related by biology. So to me, stating that fact doesn't in any way diminish any mother. It isn't going to be replaced by "life giver" for me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Rainia W	I think people should be more focused on the intention behind the word. I call my "first parent" my bio mom and my bio dad....which I guess could be offensive to people, but I never understood why. I have no disrespect for them, and would love to meet them. Hopefully if they are anything like me, they will less worried about what I called them growing up, and more worried about how my growing up was. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

AgeofAquarius31	I was adopted, and I usually say 'Biological mother.' (Or father.) I don't see how 'birth mother' is offensive; that's what most people said of my birth mom... 'Natural mother' also doesn't bother me... I've never used 'First mother,' and I think 'Live-giver' is a tad unnecessary (over-dramatic), but this is only my opinion. I think people try to be too PC about this. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

KTea	Birth mother for me, is what my birth mother is, she is nothing more than that. She is an egg to me and my birth father is a sperm. Once I found out my birth mother did not like me, etc. (lied about doing drug) she is nothing more than an egg to me. She did not give me a life, my adoptive mother did and I would not be alive if it was not for my adoptive mother. My life giver is my adoptive mom. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Angela Q	"Life giver" is a code word. It isn't intended to convey respect—and it won't change the respect the speaker feels or does not feel toward the woman she is describing—it's designed to eliminate the need to use the word "mother" to describe a particular woman who has given birth, to denigrate reduce her contribution to the situation. My guess is that it will never catch on in the general population, which is where a word must catch on to be truly part of the vernacular. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Not Adopted	"Mother" or "mom" is all you need for both mothers. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

JennaBear	I call them Elisa and Jim, though I've really wanted to start calling him FatherJim, because dad is too personal for me. I don't really know how to address other people's first parents, or what they should tell them, but I think that it's important to really examine names and labels and what they are insinuating. I grew up with the term birth mother, and I would use it to describe it to people who are completely not in the adoption loop, but I have started to use first mother and have found the feedback to be positive (cause I'll have to explain adoption anyway). I feel bad that this whole argument has to even exist...see what adoption does? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sizesmith	At our house, our son is beginning to call his 1st mom, "Mama-T". (mama + her first initial). It makes it where there is a difference between the 2 of us, and I try to include her with our family at all times. To her new baby, I am "Aunt Julie". Our extended family is getting more arms, and she was first. She loved him before I ever knew about him. My son right now is just learning to speak, so we'll effectively get everything straight between us. Quite frankly, she chose to place him, and has many times stated that she's so glad we're raising him, and we're trying to help her raise this new baby as much as she'll let us (with her as the parent-Not us!). I don't care what anyone calls me, as long as my son knows that BOTH of us love him, no matter what. I prefer her term as 1st mom, because she was, and A-mom for me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Felicita1	"live giver" is just as offensive is sperm donor, ejaculation provider etc. it is just another way to denigrate a natural mother into being an incubator or non-mother. i.e. you are not a mother, just one more useful uterus. it also is a term promoted by the anti-choice movement in order to try to promote adoption as an "alternative" to abortion, of which it is definitely isn't. any term which does not respect our continuing motherhood, that just reduces us to being non-human incubators -- valued only for and defined by our reproductive organs -- is derogatory. i am not a former mother. my motherhood survived 20 years separation and my son agrees with this. he has always introduced me to others as being his mother and calls me Mom. hence i'm not a "lifegiver' or 'birthmother'. ETA -- all groups have the right to choose a term to define themselves. the term "life-giver" was invented by an adoptive father who is also an adoption worker. The term 'birthmother' was invented by an adoptive mother and promoted by a second adoptive mother who is also an adoption agency worker. Neither term was coined or chosen by the people they apply to. No, CUB did not create those terms, despite the legend. Natural mothers are chastized all the time for choosing to use terms that others consider derogatory to themselves. i.e. "first" and "natural". And this is why CUB felt forced to use "birth" or "biological" so they wouldn't offend adoptive parnts. But to show the power differential -- would adoptive parents as a group ever consider naming themselves in such a way as to not insult/offend natural parents? No, because they have the social power and natural parents do not. They have our babies, they have society's respect -- and now they have the power to tell other people what they can call themselves (otherwise known as "Respectful Adoption Language") If the opposite of "natural" is automatically "unnatural," then the opposite of "birth" is "death". The term "natural mother" does not imply that the adoptive parents are "unnatural," only that adoption is a social and legal construct, which it is. ETA -- School Nurse, no I am not stating that "adoptive parent" is offensive, just that adoptive parents would not consider how their choice of any hypothetical label would affect natural parents. We on the other hand are told that we have to consider your feelings in ALL things, even what we choose to call ourselves. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sly	The language of the time when my son was lost called me simply Mother, or Natural Mother. Those are the only terms that are truly acceptable to me for myself. I would say that, like any other group in history, the GROUP itself gets to decide what they will be called or known by. It is not up to society. To me the notion of being defined by others in the adoption plane is the equivalent of letting former slave holders decide what their freedmen would be called. I determine for myself what is acceptable for me. I don't NEED others to define me, segregate me, make my decisions for me, or otherwise determine me. That was done to me 41 years ago, and it will never happen to me again., Sandy Young Senior Mother SMAAC Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Daisey Duck	Not sure I like life giver, as there are many ways to give life. Organ donor, person who resuscitates another etc. I think sometimes just parents is enough. Maybe bio and adoptive to differentiate in conversation. I still think you have to use the terms you are comfortable with (and that pertain to your individual situation). But even then there will be someone who doesn't like it. Not sure if I like birth mother or not as she did do more than just birth me she did love and raise me for 9 months before loosing me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Freckle Face	Its insulting. You are a mother. As an ap i find nothing insulting about being considered my childrens second mom. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Rather Bang Screw	I think it should be what it is, Mother. I gave up 3 children for adoption, I will always be their mother. Now mommy and daddy I will never be. those terms of endearment are for the ones who raise the child. ttheir parents. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

LaurieDB	I don't like it. It's very distancing in that it leaves off being a mother or father at all. It is also very single-faceted. "Life giver" can certainly be seen as one role, but first parents normally have played more than one role in our lives. Most didn't simply bring us into the world then do absolutely nothing more. Decisions were made (by them and others,) tears were shed, dreams for the future were held. For some of us, like myself, our first parents raised us for a portion of our lives. Further, there are inanimate objects, such as respirators and medications that can be called "live givers" in the sense that they support or even resuscitate life. It is yet another term that further removes the first parents from being viewed as mothers and fathers at all. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mei-Ling	My biological mother does not speak English, therefore I've never had to worry about whether or not to call her "mother", "mom" or "first mom" or whatever. When I first contacted her, I called her by name to maintain an emotional distance in case she decided to reject me. When she responded through my sister and said I was also her natural daughter, I switched to "Mother" and on occasion "biological mother." Admittedly it took me a while to get adjusted to that fact, but after a few weeks, after I had had time to absorb this 'new' family dynamic into my life, it became second nature. Since my blog is English, I either refer to her as "mama" "mother" or "Taiwan mom." In voice chat, I refer to her as "mama" (since "mama" indicates "mom" in Mandarin) or as "Taiwan de mama" to distinguish. Yay for simplicity! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mom to Foster Children	I think it's confusing as they give more than life. They give personalities / dna / some likes / some dislikes.... We just call her mommy - but we didn't adopt from birth, we are trying to through foster care. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Gaia Raain	Two things: I have no problem with the term "first", as a PAP, because it's honest. I won't even be the second mother. I'll most likely be the third or fourth. We're not in a contest here, giving out ribbons for first "place". It's a chronological thing. If you've got a problem with chronology, best invent a time machine. Second, I don't like the term "life giver" because as an abused child raised by my natural parents, I feel it denotes something "owed". They "gave" me life, like it's this fabu gift. When in reality, what they "gave" me was an abusive childhood. I created my own happy life as a survivor (i.e. adult) after having left their home. Although I do believe this is closer than "birth" terms as far as honoring the very real contribution first parents make to their child's life, I still think it misses the mark. Anything that creates that "you should be grateful" message to adoptees should be trashed. Besides, they didn't "give" life, they "chose" life. Just my two cents. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Andraya	BARF! First makes sense to me, it isn't about APs being second best it is about one having come before another. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

BOTZ	Nope, don't like that one either. I'm an adopted person...and adopted woman...who refers to myself by these terms: Adopted woman, Adoptee, Woman. There are others (Wife, etc.) but these are the ones relevant to the discussion. I call my mother my natural mother...if I'm calling her something other than just "mother" or "Mom". My adoptive parents call her my "mother" or my "mom". If they are there, speaking to me, they obviously don't mean my adoptive mom when they say, "...your mom" because she (my adoptive mother) is RIGHT THERE. On the flip-side, when I'm talking to my natural mother and I say, "...my mom" she knows I mean my 'other' (as in, adopted) mom. And when she says, "...your mom" she means my a-mom, too. Online it's a little more complicated, but I don't use 'birth' terms in any context whatsoever. And I don't take requests from one 'group' about what to call a different group. sigh So, as in your example, if an a-parent suggests calling a natural mother "life giver"...ppfflflft! NO a-parent (mine or anyone elses) get to tell me what to call 1) myself; or 2) anyone besides himself/herself. This whole "what to call who" thing that comes up every few months gives me a headache...anyone else? I'll listen if (general) you tell me what to call you. I don't listen to the 'preachies' who try to sell entire sets of language...that only benefit THEM...to the detriment or offense of others (even ONE other). THAT'S what I see as unfair. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

myst1998	Why the hell should mothers who actually give birth be given any other title than M.O.T.H.E.R? Why is this such a big issue for people??? There is the mother Nature intended a child to have and then one humans dictated they have when a piece of paper/legislation is signed. Why make something so complicated out of something so simple? All these stupid terms: 'birth' mother, bio mother, first mother, birth giver, life giver are all demeaning to ANY woman (not just mums who have lost their children to adoption or foster care) who has ever given birth. Natural mother is the best of a bad bunch as it indicates a mother who has given birth. It has nothing to do with being 'unnatural' but just that this mother was the one who Nature intended. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No