Ok, this is a long story, but I am curious about unbiased opinions?

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Crucio	Goodness what a mess. Your son’s parents were wrong to not tell him and your right they had ample time he should have been told a long long time ago. They should have talked about him being adopting when he was a young child. I realize that you didn’t mean to drop this bomb on him as you assumed he had been told that he was adopted. However you probably should have tried contacting his parents first seeing that he is a minor. Or at least tried to discretely find out if he knew he was adopted. Though I agree that his parents should have told him I see no reason someone should hide an adoption I also think as long as he was a minor it was his parents responsibility to inform him of his adoption and no one else. Your child’s parents seem very insecure that seems to be the big issue. You seem like a birthmother who does not want to undermine the parents who have raised him. You just want to be a part of his life and probably even his family’s as well if allowed. You should also probably cease contact for a while I know this will be hard but they are bond to find out you are still talking to him even if he is the one that initiates it. They could try and take legal action against you. Perhaps in a few months when things have cooled down you could try writing a letter to his parents telling them that you simple want to be a family friend. That you’re not looking to step in and take their place as his parents. If they don’t come around at the most he will be a legal adult in 2 or 3 years. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Kaytmomof11	Wow, that is stepping on hot coals huh? The adoptive parents should have told him he was adopted, I mean, they had plenty of opportunities to do so. But I do think that you jumped the gun a little. I am not saying you are the bad person or anything, I would have jumped the gun and did the same exact thing you did.... I wouldn't initiate conversation with him, but I would respond to him. Though in the worst case scenario, the adoptive parents find out and put a restraining order out for you... But again, if I was in your place, I would have done the same exact thing.... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

leila	When you saw him on the internet you should have contacted them first. he is their child (and a minor) and I wouldn't want someone contacting my child directly (even bio mom). On the other hand: being an adoptive mom, I do have contact with their bio mom, I send pictures, letters, report cards and give her updates. she knows they are better off with me...in fact I havent' heard from her in awhile, so I am really worried about her. In 3 years he will be 18 and it won't really matter what they want. I would not try to contact him, but I would answer any questions that come. and I would answer his question about coming ot live with you like "why what is going on at home that makes you want to leave?" He may be being abused, or neglected, you may want to tell him to contact the guidance counselor at school. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Just a Mom	Well, you are right, they shouldn't have lied to him. However, he is a minor and they could pursue legal action against you. He will be 18 in a few years and can make his own choices, but right now he is a minor. I would hate for you to get in big trouble with this. I adopted my kids from foster care and have a very open relationship with one of the first fathers and I did with the first mother before she passed away in August. But the other dad...he beat the kids, sexually abused them. I would press charges if he was trying to contact them. Even if they were initiating. But that is a much different situation than yours. I would say, just be careful. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Possum	Sadly - too many adoptive parents are as selfish as these one's are. It should not be about them - it should always be about the child. Do not be bullied by them - they are completely in the wrong. Your son is in for a hell of a lot of grief from them - obviously. Keep in contact if your son wishes for it - but lay no pressure on him - as he obviously has enough from his a-parents as it is. You were not in the wrong. You were supposed to have an open adoption - and they decided that they didn't want one. Selfish selfish selfish - on their part. They wanted to pretend that this child was their bio child - lies, lies and more lies. The main issue with lies - they always come out. They're angry at you - but they should have told him years and years ago - from day one. That's not your fault. You wanted an open adoption. Too many think that adoption is about ownership - but children come with a whole heap on history before they are adopted - and they should be allowed that knowledge -and all that goes with it - it's about the child - not about the adults. Keep contact open if he wishes for it - he may need to find ways that they won't know. Sneaky & deceitful - perhaps - but they've been sneaky & deceitful all along. What goes around - comes around!! Sweet sweet karma. You may be in for a lot of grief from them - but perhaps try and have a way that you and your son can communicate without them knowing - and make sure there is always a way he can find you - if they cut off lines of communication. Good luck. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Zeena	Although I do think that you should have treaded lightly about the way you messaged him, you did it out of excitement.How could you contain yourself?! the baby that you gave up is within easy access.Very exciting. I think that it was WRONG that they deceived him all of these years.How would they not expect him to be pissed that they FINALLY told him instead of letting him grow up with that knowledge? it was wrong on their part. They are probably worried that he will want to live with you and that you will try to take him away.I would let the adoptive parents know that you do not want to take him away.If anything, this could have a very positive effect on him. I wouldn't initiate conversation, but I certainly will not turn my back if he comes seeking conversation. I would be completely torn..I wouldn't want to go behind the AP's back yet if this kid wants to talk, you should. Three years will probably seem like a lifetime, so until then, enjoy the fact that you have the advantage to contact him. Hope all goes well. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

rayne1971	They are more responsible than you. Since it was an open adoption they were in the wrong. You tried to keep in contact but they refused to keep their end of the bargain. I think your son can should be allowed to see you as soon as he is of age to leave home. He needs to learn about his background and real family. DNA proves he is your son. I know you probably feel bad but it's not your fault they lied to you. I would be taking them to court for not holing up their end of the deal. Hope you can work things out. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

cmc	I am an adoptive mom, and don't think you have done anything wrong. I can't believe they lied to the child for so long. I know that in the "old days" people didn't necessarily know they were adopted, but I had hoped those days were gone. Better that he found out at 15 than at 25 or 45. Also by 15 he is old enough to decide who to talk to. I agree you shouldn't go to his home etc, but responding to an email seems okay to me. I think if he emails again you should tell him something like... "Your parents have asked me not to talk to you, and I've agreed to honor their request. Please know that i love you and once you are 18 we can contact each other freely." Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Carnie C	although i agree that the parents should have told him he was adopted (why the heck wouldn't you???) i must state that he is still a minor and if they request that you have no contact, then you must honor that until he's 18. a previous poster stated you might be headed for a mountain of trouble and he is correct. he's still a minor and must abide by his parents rules no matter how stupid you think they are. continued contact is going to land you in some hot water. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Tilden J.	In 3 years your son will be an adult. And his adoptive parents, will no longer control his life. I can't believe they never told him he was adopted. They should be shamed of themselves, and they shouldn't be taking it out on you. You waited 15 years, to meet your son, what is 3 more. Be patient, and let him come to you. He sounds like he wants to be a part of your life. And I'm sure he wants to meet you and your children. Just support him, and let him know, that none of this is his fault. He will come around. Good luck to you and your family. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

♥♥Rita♥♥	I think you may have acted a bit hastily but I cannot judge you as I have never been in your situation. I do think the a/father is/was living in a fantasy world and he is peeved that you jerked him back to reality. Too bad for you son....and too bad for the a/parents as this has totally undermined their credibility as far as your son is concerned. Something tells me their could be some rebelling going on if they try to rein your son in. this is very sad for your son. They missed many years before now that would have been a better time to tell him about his adoption.....now, he is going through teen stuff. Don't beat yourself up. Had they stuck to the agreement, they would not be at this point in their lives and their son, your son would certainly be better for it. I would say you need to make sure you keep the same contact Information because he will come back and may be sooner rather than later. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mother of Many	Ok in my opinion, the AP, should have told him when he was younger that he was adopted, keeping it an open conversation as he got older to share more with him. I completely understand why you contacted him, I do think that the AP's can get you in some legal trouble if you continue to harass him. Your adopted son is probably going through a really emotional time now, He probably has a lot of anger towards the AP's and probably towards you also. Be gentle when you answer his emails. I honestly would be doing the same exact thing you are doing if in your position. You cant just NOT respond to his emails, that's cruel. anyway, that's my two cents, good luck with everything. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

almost human	parenthood is about what's best for the kid. clearly, despite all the years your son's adoptive family have had to develop a trusting deep and enduring relationship, the parents have FAILED. A child so willing to dispense with their family does so because the family has not been there for him. It is the father's inadequacy that is yelling at you. Let it roll off your back, because an adoption certificate is ultimately just a piece of paper. so go ahead and be there for your son if he wants. at least SOMEONE will. do as the father says - stay outta THEIR lives. but your son and you have much catching up to do. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

alexandria	If he wanted nothing to do with you it would be a different story, but he is choosing to speak with you and your children. Obviously, he wants a relationship with you guys. His adoptive parents are very heartless for denying him of that! You should tell him that he needs to stand up for himself, and I would contact a lawyer and see what you could do. Let them know you're NOT trying to get custody in any way, you just want to see him. If you come pick him up or something without their permission you could probably get charged with kidnapping because he is not 18. I'm sure you assumed he knew he was adopted, don't feel bad about that. Even if you have to wait til he is 18, you will be able to have a relationship with him, so don't lose hope. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Cool Hal	Jez and what a mess - As it was supposed to be an open adoption I dont think you have done a lot wrong especially if you have written to them on a regular basis (before they moved). And we can all say in hindsight that we shouldn't have done this or that but you have you cant change it so dont try to. There is never a good time to tell a child that he is adopted but just how long where they going to wait? I had always known and couldnt imagine anything worse that being sat down on my 16th, 18th or 21st birthday and having that dumped on me. Therefore I suspect that they had no intentions of telling him which is irresponsible and dangerous - (everytime I go for a health check I am asked parental medical history and I say pass I dont know so the doctor knows what would happen in your sons case if something was missed). Additionaly what would have happened should his adoptive parents died and he came accros an adoption certificate - he would have no one to ask the questions he needs answering - it really doesn't bear thinking about. However for the sake of your son you now need to be very careful and from your message you appear to be doing the right thing where your son is concerned. It may be worth forewarning his adoptive parents that as far as you are concerned they have failed their/your son and you will not allow them to do that agian - you are not going anywhere and suggest you meet to come up with a solution that puts the feeling of the child first. Also tell them that you will respond when he gets in touch with you. They are trying once agian to sweep this under the carpet where it cannot be seen Good luck on this one - I have a sneaky feeling you are going to need a lot of it. But if your son wants a realtionship with you then you cannot refuse him, Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Penny A (Vanessa)	Well his adoptive parents are in this mess now because they created it all by themselves. Simply put, if they had kept up their end of the bargain and honoured the open adoption, and not lied to the boy, they wouldn't be in this mess now. They are taking it out on you because they are trying to deflect it from themselves. You don't need to justify yourself to them (or anyone else for that matter). They have clearly dug their own hole and all you need do sit back and enjoy your clear conscience. You have no reason whatsoever to feel bad about it. At the end of the day, your son will see through it and he will decide for himself what he wants to do. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

BeautyBlitz	I think they should have told him he was adopted, it was their responsibility as his parents to raise him with the truth. I do however think that you jumped in too soon without thinking how your contacting him would affect his life. I would still respond to his contact, but I would not initiate it, but explain to him why you won't initiate contact with him. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Marie	Sorry to hear about your experience. I'm an adoptee, and my parents told me as soon as I could possibly understand it. I can't imagine keeping info like that from your kid. The parents may have over-reacted. Maybe if you let them cool off for a while, they'll warm up to the possiblity of you writing him, or even meeting him. Good luck to you. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sophie	Wow. I understand you writing as soon as you found him. I can't believe his parents never told him. THEY are the ones at fault here. I'm sure your son feels as though they betrayed him. They all need some good therapy together... I would definitely stay in contact and be as positive a role model as can be. He is probably going through soooo much right now and he needs you to be strong for him. I don't know if you'll ever get through to the parents... but who's more important? Yep, your son. Stay honest with him. Never been in your shoes... just wanted to add my two cents. Best wishes. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

eharrah1	OK, I am probably going to make a lot of people mad when I say this but I am coming at it from your son's perspective. Your son did not have a say in what you did. You did, his biofather did and his adoptive parents did. HE HAD NO SAY. That being said, his adult adoptive parents made an agreement to have an open adoption. They did not abide by that. They made the decision to not only keep your child from you by not providing pics and whatever else was the agreement but compounded that by not answering your letters themselves. They lost whatever right they had to tell your son themselves. That is something that should NEVER be kept from a child. He probably feels like a piece of him is missing and is reaching out to you to find that piece. FYI - my biological mother lives with me now and my adoptive parents do not like it. Next time they come down on you, remind them that they did not keep their side of your agreement and you could have legally taken back their precious son they are so worried about now. Do they care about him? No, they are more worried about how they will look when the entire story of their past antics come out. For your son's peace of mind and yes, he is still your son too, answer his questions as honestly as you can. Tell your other children and let them talk together if they so wish. And when he turns 18 and wants to come see you, send him a ticket and put your arms around him and tell him how much you love him and wanted things to be different. Let him know there was not a birthday or holiday you did not want him. It will make a world of difference to him. How do I know this? Because he knows how his adoptive parents feel and is still reaching out to you despite the obstacles they are placing in his way. I know this because my life was complete when I found my biomom and she told me she loved me and didn't want to give me up but felt she had no choice. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1	isn't open adoption amazingly wonderful? not. and yes- it is their responsibility to have told him, hopefully from the time he was young. obviously that never happened. if it were me, i would make up a different email and have him do the same. he can use it only from the library or whatever. sneaky and underhanded? yes. does an adoptee deserve the right to know his mother? h*ll yes. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lori A	So what the parents are saying is that they had NO INTENTION of honoring the opened adoption they agreed to. They basically blew smoke up your butt till you signed the papers and then disappeared with THEIR child. ummm no feel sorry for them. How the he** would they have kept an opened adoption opened if they never told the son. You assumed he knew because of the arrangement they made, OPENED adoption. You ruined their surprise. I can see why they are pissed. But you know what karma has a way of biteing you right in the backside. You did nothing wrong. It is unfortunate it turned out this way but it wouldn't have if they had kept their end of the bargain in the first place. Be there for your son when ever he wants you. I have no idea what legal stance they can take but what is interesting is what stance the court will take when they find out YET AGAIN that adoptors had no intention of honoring their arrangement. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Gaia Raain	Yeah, they lost the chance to do the "right" thing 15 years ago. Lying to him his entire life was the wrong thing. I don't care how he found out, it's his RIGHT to know who he is. Personally, I think you should ignore the parents, and make sure your son has the ability to contact you no matter what happens. Those people are control freaks, and they don't deserve your son. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's so not ok for these people to do this. Take care. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Tigger	In my opinion, I think you are right in telling the child. I think they should have told him a long time ago. I don't understand why the parents are being dickheads about it. To be honest, this is only going to create resentment between them and the child, and once he's an adult he can do whatever the hell he wants. You should do exactly what you're doing, and don't feel bad about it. I do think you gave up your right as a mother, but from your story there it sounds as if you are simply trying to meet the child and see how he turned out. As long as you don't try to be a mother to him, I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I do think you should have contact with him, and you should be friends, but that's as far as it should go. Hope that helps, and you might want to be careful. I think they can get legal action taken against you for harassing their child, as ridiculous as that is. But hey, that's the world we live in, I'm just trying to save you a mountain of trouble. Good luck. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

jewels	The a-parents are completely wrong. He is old enough to decide if he wants to talk to you. If he sends correspondence to you, then I would write back for sure. I would continue to not say bad things about his parents, as that would only make things worse. It's their responsibility to make this right with their son, not you. Just continue what you are doing, and let them fix their mistakes with him. If they don't, then when he turns 18, he will probably seek more of a relationship with you, and rightfully so. I believe if adoptive parents lye to their children and their children find out, they should not be surprised that their child doesn't want to continue a relationship with someone who lied to them for their own selfish benefits. Just stick arund and be their for him until he gets through this. He needs a solid figure in his life right now. This makes me so sad. I can't imagine treating my son's mother like this, or my own child for that matter. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

mom of 3	i don't think that what you did was wrong if it was to be an open adoption then they should have kept it that way. you had no clue that they had not told him and how are you to know they cut of all contact with you. i think that they will come to there seances after a bit of time i think that you son needs to tell them that he wants and is talking to you or when they find out it is just going to make them mad. is there something that you can do legal since they broke the open adoption ? good luck! God bless you and your family!!! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Laurel J	It was NOT wrong of you to tell him something he should have known for 15 years. It was horrible of them not to tell him. Every adoptee, adoptive parent and authority on adoption I know of agrees on this: the child must be told when very young. Since they let it go on this long, anyone might have innocently told him. When adoptive parents do this they don't realize the child will find out and that the lesson he will learn is that he can't trust people who love him. What a shame. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mom to Foster Children	I think they are WRONG to say the least in at least not telling him he was adopted? How do they answer medical history questions about him???? They obviously lie about this as well. I would respond to any questions your son has as he has the right to know where he came from. He has only three years left and legally can do whatever he wants to then - my hope is that he leaves his family and comes back to you. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Not Adopted	The a-father is in the wrong here. He failed both you and your son by reneging on the open adoption agreement. He failed his son even more by keeping the adoption a secret. Shame on him. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

magic pointe shoes	Astonishing. They blame you despite the fact that their entire family and friends likely knew the boy was adopted. They took the risk of no one ever telling him and that was their bad choice not yours. So it was you who told him, big freaking deal. It could have been anyone else that had told. Really if they hadn't told in fifteen years, when did they think they might have told him? =oP Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Felicita1	1. Your son has been living a lie all his life, believing that his adoptive parents gave birth to him, that he was related to them. This is a lie that is more than a 'sin of omission' because likely, as children do, he must've asked them about who he was related to, who he got his features from, etc. He had the right to know. It was not your fault he found out from you. 2. The laws of the U.S. and all other enlightened nations guarantee Freedom of Association and Free Speech. This means that you had every right to contact your son. No-one can tell you otherwise, as you are a human being with inherent rights from being such. For someone to deny you your rights is to, in effect, tell you that you are "less than human." This is called "dehumanizing you" and it is frequently done to groups in our society with less social power, that are exploitable and exploited if their rights are not enforced and protected. It was NOT bad judgment to contact him as he is your son too whether you feel it or not. Adoption is built on the lie that all emotional ties are severed. They are not. 3. Next off, your son has been lied to, realizes it, and has every right to be angry. 4. Given that he wants to come and live with you, you cannot rule out that (besides the lying and control) that he is being abused in other ways. How you have been treated by the adoptive father may be a hint of how your son has been treated. My son was abused by his former adoptive parents, who slammed the door in my own face so i would not find out about the abuse. Keep the door open to your own son, in case he does want to return. My son returned as an adult and I adopted him back . 5. Until your son is 18, they do have the right to restrict your contact with him, but courts also look at the concept of "mature minors" in making their judgment. Keep his emails as proof that you are not harassing him. 6. If you were a teen when you lost him, you likely felt you had no choice, no viable option. You may want to examine your "role" in the surrender in light of how the demand for babies has produced 30 years of research on how to get mothers to surrender their babies. Did you want to keep your baby? If so, if your baby WAS loved and wanted (and i'm certain he was), then look at if you DID "voluntarily" surrender him, or if you felt you had to for his sake, because there was no support or resources to support the two of you as a family (your human right) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No