My daughter realised shes adopted.. i hadnt told her... shes angry.. help..!!!?

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guraqt2me	Rach: It is important for you to convey to her that you really love her as she is special and "dear" to you. Tell her why you adopted her ... her specialness to you and your love for her as a child warranted her adoption. Let her know that a special person like her needed a very special family to give her love and care. Tell her that you love her and always will, as if she were one of yours ! It is very important to have open dialogue with her on this, at this point . Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

spider	Your daughter is angry she problably feels that you have betrayed her, dont take it personally, just be there for her when she is ready to talk. She will ask questions be honest and support her no matter what. 9 year old are tougher and more mature about things than we think. If your concern about her mental health is worrying you try contacting a support group - sometimes its easier to talk to someone who is not personally involved. Emotions will run high on both sides, so dont force the subject, keep your chin up and be there for her, no matter what she throws at you. Best Wishes Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lorraine W	Try to explain that you wanted to tell her when she was older and more able to understand. But, as she knows now anyway, tell her that all mothers love their children when they are born but they get what their given and thats it. The fact that she is adopted, makes her even more special because she wasn't just given to you like all other kids were given to their parents. She was especially chosen by you and thats how special she is. If she wont allow you to discuss the adoption, write it down in a nice card for her. Or try to get some form of councelling, where by you are both free to express yourselves in a safe respectfully controlled enviroment, with someone there to help you both understand each others feelings and to guide you as to how to keep a loving respectfull relationship between you both for now and the years ahead. Good luck Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

girlwhowasadoptedin49or50ithink	You ARE her parents, just not the biological ones. Write her a letter that she can read in private. Explain everything to her, and let her know how much you love and wanted her, and still do. She'll get over it, she just needs time to grieve and vent. Allow her that time. I'm 57 and just found out in April that I was adopted, though my Mama denied it since I was 12. I think it's something we sometimes just know! . Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

eyespyshannon	I am now 51 years old, I too am an adopted female. My adoptive parents started telling me as soon as I was old enough to start understanding things. I always felt like I was "special" because they had wanted me so bad that all their dreams came true when they received the phone call, that they now had a daughter. My parents had already adopted my brother and now their family was complete. They put a birth announcement in the paper and everything. I do remember thinking that my friends weren';t as special as I was, because their parents just had them, I was a dream come true. And as the years went by, I noticed that I looked just like my adopted dad, and you know, I couldn't have ever looked like my biological dad in the same way, we had so much charachteristics it was scary. My adopted brother and my mother were the same way. You know I believe that even though I now know I am adopted, the only way I would ever want to meet my biological parents would be to THANK THEM!!! MY Cousin, who was also my age, bursted it out in class in 7th grade one day that I was adopted. I was, so hurt and felt all of a sudden like a downcast. You know that age is awful anyways, and was very upset with my cousin for just bursting out with it. It was, I felt up to me and the way she said it was hurtful and made me feel degraded for being different. I think your daughter is feeling that way now. It must have been traumatic to her to find out from whatever source it was , that she was adopted. You really should have been the one to explain things. Now, that you can't undo the past, it is up to you to reassure her that it is the most important thing you could have ever been given, when you were given her. Perhaps, you could find a slightly older girl , either that lives in your area or as a pen pal that also is adopted and can mentor her through this. If there is anyway I could be of help, please contact me. Be patient, Be there, and continue to love, that's all any parent can be whether biological or otherwise! My best to the two of you! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

steve a	show her all the love u can tell her the Truth why her mother put her up for adoption why u chose her always tell the Truth do u have other kids seek pro help talk to a councilor Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

SandraD	Try your best to talk to her. Let her know you love her. Sometimes with children you don't need to wait to tell them certain things. In this lifetime children are smart and they find out things. Try to get counseling. It takes a villiage to raise a child. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

bugwales	to start with tell her how sorry you are for not telling her sooner,but explain you wanted to wait til she was a bit older so that she would understand all about it, at the moment she is going to feel very confused,frightened,and totally mixed up, you really do have to try and sit her down to explain things,if she wont sit and listen then write her a letter and leave it in her room so she can read it when shes ready. although talking is better you need to get through to her somehow and very soon. you may want to talk to her teacher and let her know whats going on as she may play up in school,also she may talk to her teacher. your going to have to just keep trying and trying as she really needs to talk to someone as she will be so mixed up, unless your adopted you really dont know what goes through an adoptees mind and i can tell you its alot of things that just make you more and more confused. good luck and hope it all works out for you, (im an adoptee,so i know how hes feeling) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Tsunami	well shame on you for not telling her long time ago. it woudn't have been such a shock. now you have to sit her down and talk and tell her why you were waiting so long. that is hard and i am sure somehow someone told her or gave her an idea and you knew that would get out. there are so many that aren't worried about hurting others. yes, its sad but shes so young she doens't know why. it could be shes thinking of doing away with her self. i mean hey its horrible to not know why and all the worries that come with it you and hubby neee dto sit her down and talk and let her feel asured. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

darlene z	First, tell her that you're going to talk to her about this and she has to sit down and listen. You are the parent so insist. Then tell her something like this: I realize that you are upset but, that does not give you the right to disrespect us and we refuse to accept this behavior. Now if you want to know why I did not tell you it is because I was waiting until you were older and would be able to handle it better than how you are handling it now. I may not be your natural mother, but, I am your mother. You may not have come from my body but you have been in my heart from the moment I saw you and you always will. I love you with all my heart and no one will ever take that away from me. The moment I adopted you I felt like I had been blessed. You are and always will be my child and I expect you to behave better than what you have been. Now if you are unhappy and just can not stand to be around us anymore then I guess, I'll just have to let you go because I love you that much and I wouldn't want you to be unhappy. Though if you did want to leave, it would break my heart. Of course this is just an example. You know your child better than anyone. So take what you can use and discard the rest. I have two adopted children and we went through a situation like this. But they also were a bit older too. So just take what you can use. She is hurt right now and just needs some reassurance that you still love her and that you're not going to discard her. But don't let her use that to her advantage. You have to kind of be loving and reassuring and firm at the same time. Parenting can be tough. Good luck to you and yours. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

HD	I realize you probably had good intentions for not telling her right away..but really, what were you thinking? I can't imagine adopting a child and not telling them from the BEGINNING that they were adopted and have an open relationship with the biological parents. I can only imagine that she's feeling very alone and betrayed right now. You need to get some counseling for your whole family. Be prepared to answer some difficult questions that she may have, and answer them honestly!! No more secrets. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

saracatheryn	Katie, you really needed to be honest from the beginning. There is no stigma with adoption; it isn't dirty or second best. She has a right to feel confused and hurt that you hid the truth from her. That said, have you set up a family therapy session with a psychologist with an emphasis on adoptive family counseling? If no, do so now. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Belle	If she's locking herself in the room talk anyways! She can hear can't she! Explain why you hadn't told her! But think long and hard about what you're going to say before you say it! I'm sure she won't try to kill herself! At 9, I'd hope she'd never dream of such things! Best of luck! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

super_nurse_man	BUSTED. Even the most loving famiy that I knew with an adopted child ended up with the (later) adult child having a chip on his/her shoulder and resenting their adopted parents and usually turning their backs on every good thing that they taught them. I am sorry that there's not going to be any good news about this. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

claudy_kay	She's going through the stages of life's top stresses. She needs to realize that anger is only a emotion that she "has" to go through....it's one of 5 stages. Sorry, my mind is blank on the others stages. Talk to her with truth, you may need to regain her trust and the fact that you had plan to tell her at 12 when she would be more mature...doesn't mean that you had no intentions of never telling her but you where waiting for her mind to mature. Until she was 12 you felt that not knowing was the best way of her having a normal childhood. What you did was what you felt was best for her. The stress may cause a mild illness of the kidneys or adrenal glands. Serve more salads and rice to prevent this. Cut back on sugar, oils and fats because these foods will make her anger worse. Drink more water. Know when it's time to see a psychologist ...pick one out and be prepared. She may react well with a talking stick or something similar....when the person that is holding the talking stick, no one else can talk, only the person that holds the stick and they can hold it as long as they are talking. Call the family to a meeting, explain the talking stick rules and why this meeting is being held, make a statement...pass the stick...good luck and you know that this is going to work out fine. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Minnimouse	for now, leave her to cool down and think about it. Then when she comes out of her room or whatever say you will answer any questions she has as well as you can. Say "I can see you are angry and we are sorry that we misjudged how we should tell you, but we want you to be happy so whatever questions you have we will answer to the best of our abilities." She might go through a grieving process and so you will need to support her through this, ackownledging what she is going through. This will help her go through the natural grieving process healthily. After about two or so weeks and if she is showing signs of irritability, testing, depression or is not resolving her feelings then go to a counsiller or psychiatrist who specialises in separation and family relationships. Good Luck Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Devin's mom	First off, apologize every time you see her. Tell her that you will support her and try to explain why you felt that 12 would be a good age. (I think 12 is way too old, and they already have all of the other pressures of that age to add to it). She has every right to be angry with you. Ask her what you can do to help her now that she has this information and put aside your own insecurities and rebuild her trust. If it's counseling, then do it. Ask her if she would like to talk to other adoptees. There are groups and web sites for people who find out on there own. There are many many resources but find people who can relate to her and not tell her that she should just appreciate the family that chose her. This she already does, she is just angry right now. Please feel free to e-mail me through answers and I can pass on lots of state specific information and web sites to visit and offer more advice if you want it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

blooming chamomile	Get her into counseling if you think she's suicidal. If you think there's an immediate danger, take her to the ER. You can't undo what's been done, so at this point I guess I would try to apologize to her--profusely. (Not because she's adopted, but because you never told her.) I would see if there's any kind of specialist that deals with things of this nature. Maybe through an adoption agency. Start there and if not, then a child psychologist. You really need to handle this properly, and I'm sure there's a right/proven way to go about it. I don't know what that is, but I hope you are able to find out. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

concerned	1. Apologize. Over and over and over. Acknowledge to her that it was wrong to keep this information from her. 2. Get into counseling... all of you. 3. DO NOT attempt to explain or justify your actions. It will come off as an excuse. Just apologize. In time, when she's a little calmer and able to talk about it all, you can offer the explanation WHILE acknowledging that it was not a good idea. But not right now. Right now, just apologize. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

onlinedesire	2 words-family counseling Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

blugeanie923	you and your daughter need to go seek counseling you need to call for an appointment soon suicide is not to be taken lightly especially at her age the therapist will help u both so much ..sounds like she is depressed and angry u need to get her help before she tries anything call a therapist that deals with adolescents Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Julie R	You owe your adopted daughter a HUGE apology. I mean you need to get down on your knees, be COMPLETELY honest (with yourself too) and beg her to give you a second chance. How can she ever trust you again? I guarantee you, this child feels incredibly betrayed. How would you feel if, after 9 years of marriage, you found out your husband was married to someone else? He didn't tell you to "protect your feelings" or because you weren't mature enough to know yet? Bull! He didn't tell you because he was protecting his butt! How could you ever trust him again? How could you forgive him? You and your adopted daughter have a great deal of work to do. See a good therapist (few & far between, but work at it) - someone who works with kids & families in trauma & attachment. You need to be completely honest with her, and that means saying you didn't tell her because of your own insecurity. (That, or you never bothered to look into the unique emotional and psychological issues of adopted people.) Take the possibility of suicide seriously, and get your whole family into counseling ASAP. I tried to kill myself at the tender age of 5 because my adoptive parents didn't respect and honor me as a fellow human being. They screwed with my mind (like you have done by not telling your daughter) and thought I'd be none the wiser. You should be WAY more than "tensed and worried." Try this website to find a therapist: http://www.emdrtherapistnetwork.com/search.php Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

JoHn S.	In looking at your profile, it's easy to see that you like to play games and probably view this as being funny. You must be one bored person with very little in your life to keep you occupied. Whatever your real age is or however sad your real story is, please find another outlet, one that doesn't involve exploiting other people's pain. But, the good thing is that it opened up a lot of dialogue here about this topic and hopefully someone who REALLY needs help might read it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

chielu c	Don't tell her that you love her. Love is now equated with lies and mistrust. I love you - that's why I lied to your about your very existence. You lied to protect you, not her - kids aren't stupid. Find her parents and let her meet them. Knowing you are adopted from a young age and can't know your own mother and father is hard enough, finding out at 9 yrs old is horrific. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

amyburt40	Shame on you. You should never lie to a child about their very existence. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Rory	Thats one of the steps in creating a serial killer. Now shes pissed off, not only are you not her parents, God and Santa and the toothfairy arent real. On the suicide deal, you need to figure out what shes thinking. How she feels. What she wants from the world, life and why she think she cannot solve that puzzle. If she can not trust her "parents" then shes probably not going to trust anyone, and this can make for antisocial personality dissorder. I.E. fire starting, self mutilation, harming animals and other children. You can help her find her birth mother. But, like I said before she will probably never trust you again. Imagine yourself in her shoes. Shes probably thinking, Why did my original parents leave? Are they dead? Did they reject me? Why am I here? Why are 'these people' lying to me? I am all alone. If their liars I dont know anything about these people that adopted me. I need to watch out for myself I cant trust them, I can't trust anyone. I hate my life. I dont feel secure, I dont feel safe. If she cannot resolve this by herself, and you cannot help her without establishing trust, then she may attempt suicide. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Marco R	Got to family counseling immediately... You need help in dealing with this very delicate subject. Consult a specialist first for help for yourself, then you'll get a better idea of how to deal with this. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Laurel J	Wouldn't you be angry if you found out your parents had lied to you your entire life? This could have been so easily avoided. Every authority on adoption recommends telling as early as possible. Now you know why. Your child has my sympathy. You, not so much. Good luck convincing her she can ever trust you again. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

dory	Okay - first of all I'm wondering why on another answer you say you are 13 yet here you are posing as an adult. In case this is an honest question, here's my answer: I feel for you daughter. I was also 9 when my parents told me. I sat there in shock, I was confused, hurt, scared, mad. I felt like my life was a lie and I immediately felt a bit of disconnect from those around me. I wanted to know who my real parents were and why they gave me up and I wanted to meet them and have my mom hug me. I would suggest letting her say whatever it is she wants to say without "correcting" her and telling her how she should feel. Think about how a 9 year olds brain processes information like this. If she asks "where are my real parents" don't give her the standard adoption-speak lecture of "we're your real parents" - that's not what she needs to hear - she needs her innocently worded question answered without being shut down. She needs her grief and pain validated. She needs emotional comfort, not some candy coated story about being chosen. She needs you to put aside your fear of losing her and your fear of competing with another mother and listen to her feelings and say "I am sorry that you are hurting and I wish there was something I can do but please know I will always listen." She needs you to answer any and all questions about her natural parents without you feeling threatened and, when the time comes, she needs you to be supportive if and when she wants to find them. Why would you think 12 is the magic number? That would have been even worse. In this day and age there is so much information available about adoption I would suggest you educate yourself about what she could possibly be feeling now and in years to come. I highly recommend any book by Betty Jean Lifton. And, like others have suggested, get counseling. But don't just go to any family counselor - try to find one who specializes in adoption issues. If you can find a therapist who is also an adoptee that would be even better. I'd suggest both family and individual because she is going to need time to talk to a counselor in private as she might not feel comfortable speaking her true feelings in front of you. But explain that to her so that she doesn't feel like she's the one with the problem and is being "bad" and therefore sent to therapy. Please know, that a lot of adults made a decision about her life that will affect her for the rest of her life. She is feeling a complete lack of control right now and you will have power struggles as she tries to gain some control back - this is natural. Good luck - I really feel for her - I wish I could be there to talk with her. Feel free to email me if you wish to discuss further. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Heather B	Oh that poor girl she must feel so betrayed! How could you do this to her and where on earth did you get the idea to leave telling her so late. You have to do something for her now but she's not going to trust you. Have her contact Joe Soll immediately PLEASE do it now! joesoll@adoptionhealing.com Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Marsha R	Wow. I cannot imagine the pain and confusion that your daughter is going through. How horrible to realize the people you thought you could trust most in this world have lied to you about your very existence, and that you have other parents out there who abandoned you. One set leaves you, the other lie to you, who do you trust? If your husband came home and told you that he was living a double life, and the entire time you've been together he also had another wife and 3 kids he goes to see and whom he loves very much, how long would it take to trust him again? How many times could he tell you he was sorry and he was trying to do what was best for you by not telling you? What could he say to make you go, oh, okay, it was just the biggest betrayal of my life and I feel completely shattered, but since you put it that way, we're totally cool now? Would you be suicidal? Would you trust him on other issues? My only advice is for ALL of you to get counseling for your issues (why only make her go like she's the one who did something wrong?), be absolutely truthful with her about everything else, realize she's not going to trust you again for along time if ever, and when she's older you can give her the address to www.adultadoptees.org so she can join the rest of us miserable people (tongue in cheek). Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No