If your boss or best friend was adopting and wanted to keep it closed, etc, how would you respond?

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April H	Why would I do that? Your question makes no sense to me. They are adopting a child, who cares where from? I think it's awesome to take on that responsibility and give a child a loving home. What does it matter where they adopt from? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

RileyJade-2/6/09	i dont get it wat's teh problem? it has nothing to do with you. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Elissa.	No? It's their business...it wouldn't affect ME in any way, so why would I do something as silly as quitting my job or stop being friends with my best friend? I guess some people feel very strongly about closed/open adoptions, but I think sometimes letting your opinions getting in the way of friendships/in this case jobs...is kind of silly. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

jack g	None of my business either way - turn the tables - would you expect your friend to abandon you or your boss to sack you if you wanted to do a closed adoption? I am not a regular - I don't hit and run I do visit here and I understand perfectly where you are coming from - just don't agree with you Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

smilinattheblues	Open or closed adoption is a personal choice. No one elses business actually. If you felt that strongly about this issue I guess you would have to decide weither you could except there decission and continue employment and a relationship or not. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

let the [nerds) hate	no its none of my business. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Cam	I would have to ask the reason why they think a closed adoption is necessary. If it wasn't because of abuse or neglect I would be angry. Would I quit my job? Just depends on how much I wanted or needed that job. But if I did quit I'd have to tell the employer why before I left. With a friend I would definitely give my opinion but not dissolve our relationship. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

furfur	Would I quit my job or stop being a friend? No. But I would talk to them about the benefits of open adoption and present them with some research for them to look at on their own so they can make an informed decision. Even then, if they decided to keep it closed, I would hang aound. Maybe one day in the future, they would want to open it or the child will request to search, and they may want a sounding board. I believe it is best not to burn bridges. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

monkeykitty83	I wouldn't abandon a relationship with someone because I didn't agree with or approve of a choice they were making. My friendship and caring aren't conditional like that. However, I also do feel free to speak my own opinions to people I care about, and I would talk to them about the potential benefits of open adoption. I would make sure they'd heard both sides of the issue, and had at least given openness real consideration. If they ended up choosing a closed adoption anyway, I wouldn't pretend to agree it was the best thing for the child. But there's a lot of ground between open disagreement and completely cutting someone out of your life-- and I would opt to disagree without severing the relationship. Someone who cut ties with anyone who ever did something they didn't like or approve of would be pretty lonely, no? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Rowan	i would see it as none of my business personally. i certainly wouldn't stop being friends with someone, nor quit my job over that. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Bouvier	I think that quitting your job would be a mistake unless you are so upset by his/her choice that you mentally could not perform your work duties every day. As far as "their choice" for their child, we do not know what the circumstances are here. Their option of "closed" could simply mean that they do not wish to have contact with the bio parents for whatever reason. Possibly, they know or feel that it may be of detriment to the child. That does not mean however, that they are not going to share information with their child about his/her bio parents (see what I mean?) While I do not practice the closed adoption philosophy, I do understand that there are many circumstances with adoption that are very sad for all involved. If it were me, and I was sure I WAS NOT crossing the line, I would talk to my boss about what I have experienced with an open/semi open agreement. Share my experience and others experiences from the workshops I have attended, adoptees I have talked with, as well as adoptive parents, bio parents. After that, it still is up to your boss to make his/her personal decision. Adoption is not streamlined, just like life. While there are many challenges facing this family, you must try and respect their decision mainly due to the fact that it is "their own", and not yours. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

kateiskate	I would do my best to give my honest opinion on the situation as an adoptee. My best friend would already know how I feel and I’m sure she’d expect me to come at her with my full wrath if I heard she was going to try to do that. I would probably scream, cry, yell, and fight with her, and give her my copy of primal wound and show her a lot of great internet resources to help her make the ‘right’ decision. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Erin L	I wouldn't quit my job. I don't have a personal relationship with my boss where my opinion of him bears any responsiblity on me. A close friend would be different. If a close friend told me she wanted to adopt and had what I consider unethical adoption practices, it would affect our relationship. I would do my best to help educate and inform, and I would understand that being educated about adoption is evolutionary and a life-long process, but if my friend insisted on being a head-in-the sand type to the detriment of a child, of course it would change my feelings and relationship with that friend. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mei-Ling	I would ask "why" just to try and understand which perspective they are coming from. But I would not stop being friends with them. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sunny	The job? Depends on how much I liked the job and how much I had to hear about the adoption. The friend? There are all kinds of people I am not friends with, drunks/druggies, Bible-thumpers, homophobes, racists, etc. I ditched a friend last year because she was having an affair with a married man who's wife was pregnant (!) and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore. So a relationship with an adopter who believes in a closed adoption? Puuulllleeeze! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Independ"ant"	No...Im not a narrow minded devout christian nor religious so I do not disown friends. I would educate them and give my opinion....hopefully they would get it. If my boss couldn't keep his/her personal life out of work I would make it so uncomfortable for him/her that he/she would quit. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Randy B	Its their business. Wouldn't change how I felt one way or the other. There are many things I may dislike about people and I'm sure they dislike about me but I wouldn't change jobs over it or let it get in the way. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

bjrodgerz	I would suggest that they might want to strongly consider what is in the best interest of the child. I believe every child has a right to know their background and history. If this is kept from them...someday it will be revealed and cause emotional pain and confusion. This child will feel betrayed by everyone. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

opedial	I would educate them on how closed adoptions effect the child. Would I quit? No, but I would speak my mind to the person, just as I have when I have seen in person people attempt to adopt First Nations children. If something means enough to someone you must speak about it from the heart. I pick my issues carefully, and given this issue involves my children, I will always be vocal about it, just as I am for women's choice, and correctional reform. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

DevonChaos	I would express my opinion on it as an adopted person, and tell them the cons that they might not have thought about. I wouldn't stop being their friend, but I wouldn't be able to pretend that I was okay with it. Depending on their reasons for wanting the adoption to be closed... I would most definitely tell them why I thought this was wrong. Luckily, my friends are very understanding of my opinions on adoption, and I think I have brought up points with them that people usually don't think of (non adopted folks that is) in the world of adoption. There are people who never think about it because they aren't adopted, don't know an adopted person, and therefore don't spend much time thinking about it. As far as the job goes, if it was a casual co-worker, I'd have to steer clear of them so as not to start up a heated conversation about adoption at work. I'm an atheist who worked in a Catholic school/church setting, so I have no problem keeping my opinions to myself, but this is something I feel strongly about. I would hope to never be in this situation though, with a friend, or a co-worker. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

BLW_KAM	I would do my very best to listen to their concerns and where possible, counteract them with personal stories of our open adoption. I would encourage them to do research on open adoptions and to talk to open APs and join an open forum. I would ask them to consider not only the emotional well-being of the child, but to remember that natural families are comprised of human beings, just like us, who do not deserve to be treated with fear, scorn, or rejection. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." Would I quit my job or end my friendship? If I lost respect for them, yes I would. But if I saw a glimmer of hope, I would keep trying to help them see the light. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Linny G	I would beg and plead with them to NOT put their child up for adoption. I would not quit my job, because I need to work, but it would be extremely difficult to remain "best" friends with someone who could make such a choice, especially knowing how adoption has affected me and my family. ESPECIALLY if they chose a despicable agency such as Catholic Charities. Their strong armed, holier than thou militant tactics have destroyed so many women's lives, both before, during, and after the whole adoption process. I might have to just choke them with a rosary. KIDDING! maybe.sorta.not. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Not Adopted	I would have a very difficult time maintaining a friendship with someone who wanted a closed adoption. Sounds like an insecure individual. I wouldn't quit my job, I keep work and friendships separate. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP	I am honest, I speak my mind. I would react EXACTLY the way I do here. I wouldn't quit my job, but I would lose all respect for my boss I WOULD stop being friends with them, I am not friends who people who so grossly take advantage of others Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

BOTZ	I would do the opposite of most here. I would keep the friend and ditch the job. Friends (at least for me) are harder to come by than jobs. I would feel like the worst kind of prostitute taking money (yes, even for my hard work) from THAT kind of person. And, a boss is a boss...they don't want my opinion most of the time -- at least not of their personal life. My friend I would have to try to educate. Most of my friends are educated people anyway (meaning college and post-graduate degrees) and I have actually very successfully helped a few of my friends expand their understanding of adoption -- for the better (my opinion, of course). My 'best' friend -- for 30 years -- happens to be one of them. If they were closed-minded enough to refuse to hear anything about it and charged ahead without consideration then, yes, I would end the friendship. And then I would evaluate HOW I made such a gross miscalculation about who I am friends with. I have dropped 2 doctors because they are adoptive parents. There is more to the story than JUST that, but that was the primary reason in both cases. They were NOT the "Freckle Face" TYPE of adoptive parents. And, frankly, neither of them were good enough doctors that I was broken up about it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

IDK!!	I would strongly advise against it, depending on the situation. I think VERY little of my "boss" but he isn't the one who pays me and his personal life is none of my business. I speak my mind and because I have a government job, he cant stop me as long as I don't threaten anyone. As a whole, my employer is Anti-Family, but I go there so I can provide for my kids, not for anything else. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Laurel J	If it were my friend, I'd make my opinions known in as non-aggressive a way as possible. But I don't think I could stay friends with someone who pursued a closed adoption without a damned good reason. Anyway I'm pretty sure, like SJM, that no close friend of mine would pursue a closed adoption. I've been through this with a boss before. I worked for a couple who adopted from Russia. My opinion of this was not the problem (I kept it to myself). The problem was that the woman had to announce every step of this process to everyone in the company because she just knew the people who worked for her loved and worshiped her and cared deeply about her personal life. She was truly the most self-centered person I've ever met--and very rich, with no idea what it was like to actually work for a living and earn very little money. Having found out I was adopted, she expected me to tell her every stinking day what a wonderful thing her adopting from Russia was. It wasn't enough for me to keep my trap shut and not tell her I thought she was a horrible person--no, she expected me to sit and squee about it with her on a daily basis because I existed to entertain her by talking with her about her exciting life. I was the company receptionist, and I'm pretty sure I made less working for her than she did at her first job out of school. I had to quit. She does not represent all adoptive parents, but she sure does represent the worst of them. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

chielu c	I'd think they were the most disgusting selfish people on the planet - who would change a child's identity and intentionally cut the child off from their own family so they can pretend to be the child's parents? To put a person in the position where they can't access information about their own parents - expect them to beg strangers at an adoption agency for scraps of information about their own mother? Only nasty greedy people would do that! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

tish_part deux	here's my thoughts. the pap who wants a closed adoption (absent of LEGITIMATE ABUSE AND NEGLECT) IMHO is selfish. i tend to not deal well with selfish people, because it will eventually spill over into other areas of their life...like interpersonal relationships and employee relations. yet, a person's livelihood and employment are very much inter-related. and friendships are very intimate and emotionally connected. so...if i found out, i would be pissed. no doubt. and if my boss was making a big deal about it, i'd voice my objections; and probably start looking for another job. if it was my friend, i'd probably not be friends with the person much longer. the "heat" i'd give up over my disdain would most likely result in my friend telling me to kiss her/his as$, in other words, i try to work with, and associate with people of character and integrity. and if i see any indication that either of these traits are absent, i will most likely move on. just if i found out that my boss or friend had a russian mail order bride, exploited immigrants for cheap labor, or the other gazillion human rights' violations. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

SJM	My best friend wouldn't want a closed adoption after seeing what I went through. She's been my best friend for decades, and she was with me through the wondering, the searching, and the finding. If she decided she wanted to put a child through that, our friendship would be over, yes. She wouldn't do that, though. A boss would be a different deal. I doubt if I'd want to hear about it on a daily basis, though. I could take about so much before I'd say something that would make him less than happy to retain my services, so it might be time to start looking for something else to do. It would depend on whether or not our desks were side by side or if he or she lived 500 miles away. ETA: I should note that I have worked for someone who adopted two children in a closed adoption, and our desks were side-by-side. But their children were 40ish, and the rainbows and unicorns were laid to rest long ago. We were able to have rational, multi-dimensional conversations about adoption, so it wasn't a big deal. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

magic pointe shoes	I'd do what I always do in real life. I'd ask why they were choosing that path. I'd listen to whatever the reasons were behind those ideas and then gently suggest ways to keep some openess, or to how to be respectful to the loss, or just simply how not to exploit another for their child. If my nudges were brushed off as lunacy like they can be on here, then they really weren't my friend in the first place... because my friends see the complexity of what adoption and relinquishments impacts are on my life and others now. And yes, if push came to shove and the above didn't happen with a boss, I would seek employment elsewhere. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No