Do you Think it''s Rude to tell Adoptees to be Grateful?

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Dizzibloo!	well it doesn't need to be said unless the adoptees are ungrateful- and mostly they aren't- they have parents who CHOSE to have them and love them and raise them. People don't adopt unless they know they can love and support a child, and a loving home is the best gift a child can get. Whether s/he gets it from her/his birth parents or adoptive parents. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.	Yes and Yes, that's rude. When I adopt I will consider myself the lucky one, for getting a family. I'd never consider myself as a "savior." But I always look for the best in just about everyone, therefore when I see these comments I see them as mostly ignorance, misunderstanding, and someone who needs to learn more about adoption: NOT someone who was TRYING to be rude or trying to "mean it the wrong way" P.S. I have a genetic abnormality that causes about 98% of babies with this abnormality to be miscarried. Of those of us to survive to term, a high number have dangerous heart and kidney abnormalities, and are extremely short. I have none of those issues. So, I guess we all have things to be "grateful" for. But to tell someone to be grateful for what should be every child's right is insensitive and rude. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sarah	I know what you mean, and It gets right up my nose! We have nothing to be grateful for. I also have had the whole "why do you want to find your birth mum?, just stick with the ones you have got" How can they say that? They don't understand! I really should just get a big sign put on my head. "i'm adopted and grateful" aghhhhhh Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Jennnn	yes, but the majority of those people are ignorant. i understand that so it doesn't bother me. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

capricorn dancer♥	My sister tried that on me,i said she was the accident ,i was the chosen one,lol,it helped me cope at the time,but we are tight now.♥ Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Ricki	Well I am giving my daughter a new family through adoption and I don't think that is the right thing to say is be grateful.. I would take the offensive if someone said that to my daughter because only thing she should be grateful for is having loving parents who love her unconditionally and would do anything for her.. not because she is adopted. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Carol c	Yes, it's very rude and totally marginalizes the fact that the adopted person lost their biological family in order to help adoptive parents feel complete. No one says to non-adoptees "You should be grateful your parents kept you".. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Philippa	It's rude, nasty, horrible, ignorant, insenstive, unnecessary, stupid, wrong and I hate it when anybody says adoptees should be grateful. I haven't forgotten the first time my son's adoptive mum told me she was grateful to me - at this point she didn't know the full truth to how she and her husband 'acquired' my son. I was quite shocked at the time as I hadn't 'seen' that one coming and bit my tongue to stop myself from telling her to be grateful to my parents and adoption agency as they were the ones who lied to me so the adoption could go through. However I am just relieved that they have never told my son he should be grateful. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

MamaKate	Dear Heather, I think it is more of a thoughtless comment and an attempt at being "PolllyAnna" than it is meant to be an insult in most cases. But, yes, I do find it rather rude. I do wonder about the education and awareness of adoption issues, child development, psychology, etc. when this is said by PAPs. It does hint at a bit of a savior complex and generally this is not a healthy attitude for an adoptive parent (or anyone else for that matter) to have. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Downtown	yea it is rude example i was adopted at age one i didnt have a say of if i wanted to be or not Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

34 weeks with Evan Alexander♥	Yeah, but I don't let it bother me. I just explain to them what's wrong with what they just said. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

gypsywinter	Yes, I do. No one should ever take it upon themselves to tell another that they should be 'grateful' for and about anything. How would adoptive parents feel, those that adopted because they were infertile and really wanted to have a child born of them...be told to be 'grateful' for their 'infertility'? For without their 'infertility' they never would have had the great experience/opportunity of adopting a stranger child and would be left childless?? To be told to be 'grateful' for crumbs of bread, when others are feasting on a loaf? To be told to be 'grateful' for the Ramen noodles you are eating, when others are eating steak? To be told to be 'grateful' for the one meal a day you are eating, while others enjoy 3 meals a day? To be told to be 'grateful' for Goodwill, while others shop at JC Penney, hell even Walmart?! To be told to be 'grateful' for your low-paying job, with no benefits/no raises, while the Owner is still taking himself and his family on several vacations a year! To be told to be 'grateful' by a 'friend' with bucks and doesn't work...for the low-paying, shitty 40 hour a week job you work. To be told to be 'grateful' for the step-father who abused you, rather than being a fatherless 'bastard'. To be told to be 'grateful' for the one arm/leg/eye you now have, after losing the other. To be told to be 'grateful' you have 2 kidneys and you should donate one to a 'deserving' person! To be 'grateful' you have a Seeing-Eye dog as if your blindness was no biggie. My point being...by any of the above..most people who tell others to be 'grateful'..see themselves as superior to the 'ungrateful' ones, more deserving than the 'ungrateful' ones...whether that be in Adoption Land or life in general. I have found in my life...those that have walked in similar shoes as mine...have never told me to be 'grateful'....it is those who have walked in very dissimilar shoes who will tout the 'grateful' song & dance the loudest, crudest, rudest and devoid of understanding and compassion. Of course there are those who have walked in 'similar' shoes...but because they cannot bear painful memories/experiences, simply conveniently forget from whence they came...whether that be economic status or their involvement in Adoption Land. BTW...I have never expected my raised children to be 'grateful' to me that I did not abort them. Nor have I ever expected 'gratefulness' from them because I changed their diapers, fed them bottles, stayed up at night when they were sick or in the hospital gravely ill, put band-aids on their boo-boos, comforted them when they awoke from a bad dream, paid for school tuitions, fed them meals, bought them clothes/shoes, gave them $$$$$ (young or old)...need I go on? I did what I did...because I was/am their mother..because I love them and it was my responsibility to do for them..out of necessity or just because I wanted to...like a new toy for no particular reason. In Adoption Land the word 'grateful' is far, far overused in regards to adopted people who were adopted as infants/children. I believe in Adoption Land the word 'grateful' has become synonymous with 'You Owe Me'. I have come to despise the word 'grateful'. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sunny	Can I just say that SLY totally, 'effin ROCKS. Ditto, ditto, my friend. And for the believers out there--God knows, too. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

myst1998	Yes, I think its rude, ignorant and insensitive. And yes, I think adoptive parents should be the ones who are grateful as they get to raise ANOTHER mother's child. Especially in terms of infant adoption and where CPS has wrongfully removed children (I have heard horror stories). Where children have been abused by their natural parents and removed for the children's safety, then I think the natural parents should be grateful for any stable and decent upbringing their children get from their foster/adoptive parents. However, why should an adoptee be grateful? They didn't ask for any of it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Sly	Of course it is rude and dismissive, but it is not directed by their own sense of anything other than fear. They are terrified to hear of the pain of the mother, the pain of the adoptee and that adoption is anything other than the rainbow colored story the industry portrays it to be....a win/win/win for all. The reason they are afraid is because they know, in their deepest hearts, that it is a lie. The KNOW that to take a woman's child you need to destroy her. They KNOW the child grieves the loss of the mother. They KNOW that they are often as responsible for their own infertility as the woman whose child they are taking is for her unintended pregnancy. The KNOW that the mother and the infant will grieve forever the loss of each other, and they know that they would stop at nothing to get the baby that they so desperately wanted, demanded, and feel they are entitled to. However, in their deepest, darkest corner of their minds, they know that they are NOT entitled to another mother's baby and that in order to get it they had to use trickery, deception and coercion....they know and they know that the world knows. So, they cannot bear to hear the truth from the mothers or from the now grown infants. To be reminded is to feel again the guilt and the shame they know they own. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

cantstopLinnyG	Yup. It leaves a filthy taste in my mouth...like a cheap latte. If people like this were permitted to adopt, their adoptee would be another statistic- death by adoption...SUICIDE. It is so insulting to me as an adoptee, and I can honestly say my parents, ALL of them, but especially my adoptive parents would be insulted as well. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Independ"ant"	Its not only rude but ignorant. "why is it said so often to adopted people?" The ignorant sheeple do not have the ability and/or desire to "think" outside of their little world. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

♥ Bitter Adoptee ♥	Oh my oh my. My parents tell me to be grateful. When I had a shrink when I was seven I ran out of there and to the beach since he said I had to be grateful. It's terrible. It demeans us all. It shows how this world is so terrible. People want a child just to gloat and say "this child should be more grateful. we are such saints!" Hell no! My parents aren't saints. When I was talking to my friends I get the at least you weren't aborted speech. The only people who don't talk that way are adoptees and first moms. It's always like that. So many times I have seen these statements. I often see these aimed to foster kids too. I want to speak my mind to those people but nothing ever works. I see the be grateful to the cancer survivors (like my a-mom) and I realize that saying that is sort of rude. Saying be grateful you aren't dead how gruesome and how morbid! Oh my! What has this world gotten into? -alone. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Rowan	es it is. Thing is, i was never fed this line by my parents. I'm always saddened when i hear people were told that sort of thing. boggles my mind. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

kateiskate	I think it's terribly rude and dismissive to tell someone to be grateful for the loss of their mother. In what other situation would it be acceptable for someone who has lost their mother and entire family to just "get over it" or that they are "bitter" for being (rightfully so) sad? Adoptive parents should be the last people spouting those ridiculous phrases at us. They should be doing their best to allow us to be open with our loss and help us cope with it. And yes, adoptive parents should truly be grateful because they have been blessed with children. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

monkeykitty83	Telling someone how they "should" feel is ALWAYS rude and inappropriate. This of course includes when speaking to adoptees, but is by no means limited to adoptees. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

kidmindi	One of the things I hate most about my adoption was my A parents telling me how greatful I should be. Guess what?? I am NOT greatful to be lied to about my life, history and family. One thing I always tell newly adoptive parents or PAPs is please don't ever tell your kids they should be greatful Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mei-Ling	Yes. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Irish	It's very rude and ignorant as well. I say the latter, because hopefully the person who is making the statement just isn't thinking correctly due to poor knowledge in the adoption areas. If they do know what's up, then they are good people to stay away from. They have mind-sets and won't change. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

IDK!!	Kinda telling a dude who lost his leg to a shark, that he should be grateful for his new plastic leg..... and to quit his btchn cause he could have been ripped to shreds. ETA- our infertility (sterility) is our own fault. We decided to have my husband get a vasectomy so I won't get pregnant again. The best gift he ever gave me... LOL Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

a healing adoptee	it really irks me too! I mean people say that to be rude, to stop the child from wondering about their birth families. That is the only reason people throw that around! I mean I would go out on a limb and say that most of us adoptees are thankful for our lives and the life we have been leading so far. but why should we be more thankful than the next person who isn't adopted? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Cam	I personally don't know of any adoptive parent who would say that to their children Certainly not me. As an adoptive mom I have always felt like the grateful one. MY experience is that these comments come largely from people not personally connected to adoption. I do think it's a rude comment. But I also know that most people are pretty stupid about adoption and as usual make offensive comments without realizing it.. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Cambria	I generally think it is rude to tell -anyone- how they should feel something that happened to them! I don't understand why it is somehow acceptable to say this to adoptees. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

♥love♥	It's rude to tell anyone they "should" be grateful for anything. You have no right to tell anyone how they should think. Telling an adopted child that they should be grateful is no more justifiable than telling a child who was not adopted that they should be grateful that they live with their birthparents. My name is Heather too! :) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

DevonChaos	Yeah, it really irks me. I guess we all went through certain circumstances to be where we are today, and I don't think that any of us should have to feel grateful for every turn and twist along the way. I am most certainly NOT grateful to be adopted, and I certainly take offense to anyone who tells me I should feel this way. Are non-adoptees grateful to not be medical waste (because that IS an option) or grateful to not be adoptees themselves? Are the grateful because they weren't left for dead in a trash can somewhere? I don't think that is something that we should have to feel grateful for. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Gaia Raain II	Incredibly rude, yes. No one has ever told me that I ought to be grateful that my parents had sex. No one has ever told me that I ought to be grateful that my mother didn't have an abortion (and MY mother actually HAD a choice, since I was conceived after Roe v. Wade). No one has ever told me that I ought to be grateful to have been raised by my abusive parents because, well, look at the alternative. I don't understand why anyone should tell adoptees something they wouldn't tell anyone else on Earth. I'd like to know, do these people go around being grateful for others' sexual choices all the time? Cuz, um, I sure don't. I don't think ANYONE should be grateful that a tragedy happened - and the separation of natural family IS a tragedy. It would be especially heinous, to my mind, for adoptive parents to be grateful...because why would anyone be grateful for others' anguish? It does shock me when this is said by someone hoping to adopt. Especially someone who said that they've decided NOT to adopt (via PM, which I can copy here if you'd like) because they just can't handle the thought of their little adoptling having feelings outside of the pre-approved "gratefulness" line of feelings they think they can prescribe to their children...and then turns around and says they DO in fact plan to adopt because they'll be "saving" an unfortunate soul (thereby insuring said gratefulness). Split personalities? Mental illness? Hmmm... I don't wonder at all how they'll treat their adoptee. They've already told us. ETA: To those who tell adoptees to be grateful...do you say that to every person who is grieving over the loss of a loved one? Or is it just adoptees? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No