Can an unadopted person ever "understand" what it feels like to be adopted?

Show all answers

Post your answer

BOTZ	No...as most everyone has said. No, they can't. They can work on 'getting it' though. They can work on TRYING to understand. They can sympathize and they can even TRY to look at it from our perspecitve (with our help) if they want to. I liked what Sunny said. There are things in my DH's life, too, that give him a unique perspective. He, himself, though, says that he didn't even BEGIN to 'get it' until about six months ago. We have been together for 15 years and he's heard about it from me nearly that whole time. We've been married for 4 years...during which it's been near constant. NOW, he says, when he sees or hears someone with the same ideas/beliefs/attitudes etc. that he held just six months ago they sound "so stupid". (His words, not mine.) (((((DH))))) My DH today actually reminds me a lot of Gaia Rainn and Freckle Face when it comes to understanding adoption as a non-adopted person. Now that I think about that...I think I know why. Interesting answers so far. Thanks for asking! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

monkeykitty83	Can we truly understand what it feels like? No, of course not. So should we not even try? No. We should listen, and do our best to empathize. As human beings, we all have to try to empathize all the time with situations we aren't in ourselves. As a woman, I will never have testicular cancer... but that doesn't mean when I meet a testicular cancer victim, I just throw up my hands and say, "Sorry, can't relate!" I can't know exactly what he's going through, no. But I can do my best to be understanding. Likewise, I don't see how adoption is the one life situation non-adoptees should just give up on trying to empathize with. Even if we never really manage it fully. We can never fully understand and relate perfectly to people in life situations we've never been in, or couldn't be in. (I'm actually not sure we can ever fully understand another person even if we are in the same situation.) That doesn't go just for understanding adoptees. But we should all be listening to one another, and so far as we can, trying to understand it. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Theresa	Never. And it's insulting to think otherwise. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Independ"ant"	"FEEL" in general No...but people can definitely have compassion for them. Its like any trauma....I had cancer...can people that haven't had it know what its like emotionally to go through it...No, but they can and many did have compassion. There will always be people in this world that lack compassion and comprehension because they have never gone through any serious traumas themselves and/or are blinded by their own trauma like infertility. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

34 weeks with Evan Alexander♥	The simple answer is, no. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Pinky P	Hello, To answer your question, I do not think so. I was in foster care from the time I was 9 until about 13, then I got adopted. I think that it was a miracle from God. I did not like foster care because I went to a lot of homes with different rules and discipline. I always called them mom, dad, brother, sister, etc...But I never once thought that I could get adopted because all the foster homes I stated in gave up on me and so I was in another different home all the time. It sucks I know, but I do not think that an unadopted person would ever understand what it feels like to be adopted. Yours Truly, Peyton Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sunny	My DH is an only child who's dad left his mother and started a new family. He didn't see his dad from the time he was 7 until he was 23. So he sort of gets it. But he did know his father's name, his ethnicity, spent some years with him, etc. But even that can't compare with a closed adoption. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1	not a chance. ask a black person what it's lke to be white. ask a guy what it's like to birth a baby. as a woman what it's like to be a man. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

ChelChel	In all honesty, I don't think anyone can truly understand what it feels like to have "walked a mile in your shoes" or who hasn't lived your life. I think that one can sympathize with or show compassion for. They may even relate to it in some way, but I don't think that a true understanding can be had unless one has first hand experience. Just as no one can fully understand what it is like to be a first mom, not even all first mom's can fully understand each other experience and we all deal with it differently. Each situation is unique. I don't know, personally I think that you can have an understanding or a grasp of what it feels like to live someone else's life or have lived it. I don't think however, anyone could truly, fully understand it. Hope that makes sense. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Red	No. Not fully. People always tell me that being adopted meant that I had a better life because I was adopted. I understand my choices in life haven't always been the best, but then wonder if things would have been better had my birth mother kept me. My adopted mother thinks I should be grateful to her that she adopted me but frankly her life was just as messed up as my birth mother's life. The biggest difference between them is that my birth mother had 2 more children (my half sisters!) and has been married to their father for the past 21 years. My adopted mother always wanted more children and despite asking me and saying my opinion mattered (it didn't), adopted a 10 year old (EXTREMELY messed up child who is now 24, in prison and is a sex offender) when I was 16. That was bad enough. I wasn't allowed to participate in any after school activities or hang out with friends because I had to be home to make sure he didn't do anything bad. Now I just have a 13 year old adopted brother (adopted 11 years ago, when I was 20 and out of the home). He has a little brain damage, is diabetic and has Asperger's (a form of Autism). At least when my son (OPEN adoption in 2005) comes looking for me someday I will understand what it feels like to be adopted. : ) Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

cathrl69	I don't think any person can ever understand what it feels like to be any other person, adopted or not. So no. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Indian-vision	I would have to say that its hard to truly "understand" how a person feels untill and unless they walk a mile in that persons shoe. Be it the loss of a birth mother surrendering, adoptee's feelings, adoptive parent's feelings seeing their kid/s struggle with their adoptive status. So i would say "No!" Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Mei-Ling	That depends on the basis on how much understanding people think they would NEED to understand how being adopted feels. After all, there are many people who say adoption is normal like giving birth and because they were adopted at infancy, the connection is the same. shrugs From my perspective: "Unless you know what it's like to be born in a foreign country (to another set of parents, in another culture with another language), then brought halfway across the globe to grow up completely alienated from your country of origin and ALL possible links to said country of origin and have someone shove it in your face that your adoption was 'meant to be'..." Then no. You can't. I quote: "How do you explain to someone the spiritual pain of being torn away from the life you were born to have? It doesn't matter whether your adopted life is better; it doesn't matter if your adopted parents are kind and loving (mine are). It is a sense that you have no place in the world–that you have been displaced, and everything that comes after is somehow not quite right. My experience is people belittle this feeling because they don't understand it; and because we, as a society, have forgotten the importance of family, of roots, of having a place in the world that you are born into–a connection to a fabric of people going back through blood and stories that attaches you to the past and pushes you to the future. Adoptees are torn from this tapestry and tossed, randomly, into one not designed for them. It's like being a little bit lost all the time. It hurts. It never stops hurting." Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lori A	No. They may understand some of the ways adoption affects the adoptees life but there is so much that they just don't register. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Laurel J	They can't really "understand" it anymore than I can understand what not being adopted feels like, but they can, if they want to, use listening and compassion to learn to comprehend and imagine what it would be like. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Linny G	No. Way. Even if your parents were to die, it wasn't intentional,unless it was suicide. No. Way. And they wouldn't want to, either. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

DevonChaos	No. Even if someone were to "walk a mile" in my shoes (I HATE that expression) they wouldn't get it. You'd have to live a LIFETIME in my heart and soul to understand it. Its not like there is just one time or one event that makes me feel a certain way. This is something that effects every part of my life. This is something that is so deeply rooted in who I am, that no one who hadn't been through it themselves (not a spouse, parent, child, relative, roommate, etc...) wouldn't understand. Who you are, who your family is, is something that makes a person who they are. I now have my own children, and I'm beginning to fully understand blood family, and the wonderment of it all. A non-adopted person can't understand what it is to be adopted anymore than an adopted person can understand what it is to have an intact family. ETA: Gaia! I LOVE it. Plus, then, you have the joy of throwing their own 2 shoes at them. Whee! I'll have to remember that one, many thanks! Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Not Adopted	No. Partly because they haven't experienced it, partly because society refuses to believe anything adoptees have to say about the matter. (ETA: unless it's all happy, grateful adoptee-speak.) And adoptive parents are the least likely to understand - they are "forever parents" who believe "all paths to parenting are equal." They DELIBERATELY refuse to understand. (They are a handful of open-minded adoptive parents who work at understanding, many on this forum. Sadly, they are the exception). Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

mkthemk	I doubt that we can, but we can try. Please don't resent us for not understanding though, if there is no way we can. The thing we can do is "BE understanding" which is different than "understanding." I think the definiton of "being understanding" is knowing that there is something we can't understand about the person who is adopted. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Megafunk	I doubt it very much. I would imagine that if my parents informed me at this stage in my life that I had been adopted at birth, I would feel like a different person. I can't imagine that feelings. So no, I don't think they can. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

tish	absolutely NOT. although i have a great deal of respect, empathy and will always advocate for open records, and adoptee rights, i can NEVER understand, fully, what an adopted person experiences. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Just a Mom	I don't think so. If I understood, I wouldn't spend so much time here. An unadopted person can seek to "understand", but I am sure that we never will completely. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sweetjane	In some ways I can. I lost my father at an early age and my mother died when I was a pre-teen.....so I understand loss...I understand how it feels to go through all of life's changes and not to have your parents there with you. I understand what it feels like to want to know about your history, yet not have anyone in your life who knows it any longer. I understand that holidays and my wedding and my children all trigger this great sadness that my mom couldn't be there to see this and couldn't support me and just put her arm around me. I don't understand a lifelong loss, as many of you do. Many of you were adopted long before you were teens.....so, the loss is more long term and the pain and not knowing are more great because I can at least remember my mom and I know that I looked just like her. On a somewhat positive note, many adoptees are able to reunite with their families.....something I can never do. I don't know which is worse.....never knowing your parents and siblings, or knowing them fully for only 12 years, then never being able to know them again. I presume that your life is filled with unanswered questions and sadness over what could have/might have been......while I already know what was, but was too young to see the significance of it until it was too late. It isn't the same and I am not trying to make it out to be the same....but I do understand, or maybe empathize is the best word, as well as any non adoptee can. <<Foster mommy Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Gaia Raain	No. We might get bits and pieces, we might be able to hear, internalize, and validate. But understand? Never completely. Similar feelings or situations are still not equal. Doesn't mean I'm not going to try. :-) ETA: Devon - "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, they're a mile away and barefoot." Thought ya might like that one. wink Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

mommy	Im not adopted so Im going to say No...I dont know what it would feel like to be adopted Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Ed C. (SFECU)	Nope - Freckle face is right on. Try as we might we cannot fully ever "understand" - all we can do is validate their feelings and educate ourselves. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lillie	No. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

celtic.piskie	No. They can have similar feelings, they can sympathise, they can have similar experiences, but no-one can understand ssoemthing unless they'vce gone trhough it personally. At least not fully. It's like having a midwife that's never given birth. She may have esperience, she may understand a lot, but until she actually goes through the pain, it's all academic. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Freckle Face	No. Even for those of us who really try, don't fully "get it". Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Cool Hal	No is the short answer. It is the feeling of being abandoned in addition to the things you go through in later life. A non adopted person (I am not sure you can be unadopted) can empathise and sympathise but they can never fully understand the feelings involved. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Torrejon	I cannot even count the times I've been asked throughout my life what it is like to be adopted. My answer to this question has always been: I don't know. What is it like not to be adopted? Which inevitably leaves the questioner completely stumped and stammering for an answer. I'll answer when the unadopted can. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No