At what point does contact with natural parents stop being beneficial?

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Real Moms Raise Their Children	If the birth mothers cared in the first place, they would have never agreed and signed the baby over to another set of parents. So it's natural for the mom to act disconnected. Guilt keeps her around, but it can't force her to be a 'mother' or act like one. Maybe at most, a buddy-buddy type of friend. But never a mom. You're a good and patient person, though, for being part of an open adoption... This is one of the downfalls of an open adoption. The parent is there out of guilt, but isn't there in their heart. It seems that contact with the child became less than beneficial when the mother gave the baby away at birth. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sam22254	. If you feel this way why even let them come over? Are they adopted by you? I'm not taken away the fact that you took these children in but I bet it's because the kids were taken from the natural parents. It must be hard for the natural parents to hear you being called mom and as far if they didn't care for there child why in the world would they come visit. As far as birthdays one of my friends don't celebrate christmas or birthdays due to her religion so what is she a bad person. Just maybe they don't have the money at least they showed up. When my son first got to visit his son that was taken by adoption with his consent. He didn't find his child until the child was 16 months old since he wanted to visit his child he had to go to the home of the kidnappers to visit. He felt so uncomfortable they watched every move he made and made a point to have his child call him by his first name. This went on for almost a year . Now he gets weekend visits and everyone is happy except the couple. They have even gone to the point is telling the child bad things and to say these things on Camera. After all and said and done my son even had to take a lie detector test and pass he asked them to take one and their answer was we don't have to get. Get my meaning these couples might just feel uncomfortable. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

cantstopLinnyG	Ouch. Im sorry they are doing this. The fact that they are both doing this tells me something more is going on. I think it would be beneficial for you to flat out tell them that this is hurting the kids and if there is anything that could be done to prevent this type of behavior from happening again. I applaud that you and some other moms here recognize how important it is to keep things open, but I totally agree that if the contact becomes negative, something needs to happen. About the birthday cake thing....Im sure you know by being a regular here that birthdays are days with extremely conflicting emotions for adoptees. No matter how awesome our adoptive parents are, MOST of us associate our birthdays with pain, as it's in most cases, the day we also lost our first Mothers, no matter what the reason. Even as a small child, I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, because it made me think even more about my first Mom. It was hard to be happy for everyone else who wanted to give me a special day, and it made me feel really guilty, but I couldn't help it. Maybe they are feeling a bit like that, too? They may feel to bring a cake to celebrate may be insulting to their child? Im only speaking from my experience, and from what my first Mom has told me over the years about how she felt on my birthday, too. I am NOT making excuses for their first Moms, but I have to believe that contact is painful for them, too. How could it NOT be? But to intentionally hurt the child is NEVER good. I guess by letting them know how this is hurting the kids and asking if there is a problem is a good start. You have to let them know. ETA for Serenity: WTH are you talking about? You wrote: "The kids are 4 yrs old!!! Your birthday issues are your own not a little kids even if they're adopted! What right do you have to take it away from make it a day of misery for them or say they can't have a cake like any other kid or their friends. I can take so much from an adult adoptee but not when they put it onto a little kids and tell them they can't enjoy their birthday because they're adopted. Thats cruel.." WHERE did I say they shouldn't have cake or a birthday party??? Read much? The op said ,"her mother is still refusing to even get her so much as a cake". I replied MAYBE the first moms thought it would be insulting to BRING a cake because the day is painful for THEM, (after having conversations with my N Mom) and since MOST adoptees have conflicting emotions on their birthdays, they worried about that aspect. NO WHERE did I say adoptees shouldn't enjoy their birthday party, lol. But yes...EVEN as kids, we feel pain on out birthdays. You need to re-read my post and back off. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

snowwillow20	Some people are just cruel selfish people and it might be time to set some ground rules. Either they shape up or ship out. Do not lose contact with them, but don't expect anything from them. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Freckle Face	Hi Mum, Here is my suggestion, for such a touchy and difficult situation. If your child doesn't notice any differences don't point them out. Instead say, it doesn't matter the present or the cake the REAL gift is that you got to see your other Mother. I try really hard to monitor if "I" am feeling that my child is feeling slighted or if "MY" child herself is actually feeling slighted. There is a difference. After a conversation or visit i would discuss how the visit went. There are times when my daughter is hurt by something her other Mother does. Time will go by and I will ask her do you want to reach out again? She usually says, "I'll regret it later if i don't at least try." So i stand by her side and let her know i'm here to wipe the tears and give hugs if needed or to jump in excitement if her messages are accepted. It makes her happy the few times they do connect. So it makes me happy. The way my 11 yr old looks at it is the few good memories are better than no memories at all. I follow her led, I protect her and only sends photos when she needs a break. When DD is stronger she emails or texts her other Mother while holding my hand. I am her constant in all this rollercoaster mess. I never talk badly or show if i'm upset with how her other Mother treats her. We try to look at the positive, give benefits of the doubt, and realize sometimes people we love let us down. Afterall no one is a mind reader and no one is perfect and that's okay we love them anyway. I also agree with expressing the pain it causes your child once and only once to her other Mother. We can't make people behave the way we want them to. If she is informed and continues to cause hurt there is not much you can do. Listen to your child. Now i have taught my daughter to say, "Hey that kinda hurt when you did this" to her other Mother. Its super hard.......but as i said this is what makes my daughter happy....i would do anything for her......even eat humble pie and keep my lips zipped:) Good luck to you all. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

BLW_KAM	Mum, My heart goes out to you and your children. This is truly a difficult situation. Like you, we have an open adoption and it doesn't take too much of a stretch to put myself in your shoes. Have you talked with the parents and explained how their behavior is hurting the children? Those poor little kids probably feel like they're being rejected again and again. This can't be good for their self-esteem. If I talked with my daughter's natural mother and my words made no impact, I would probably limit contact to the written word only. I would continue to keep up our MySpace account and would e-mail with them, but I would likely filter the information going to my daughter until I knew she had the emotional maturity to understand the situation. I would explain to her that sometimes people find themselves in a difficult part of their lives when they don't consider how their words or actions effect other people. I'd go on to tell her that Mommy doesn't want to see her feel sad and so for right now, we wouldn't be visiting with her natural mother. I'd also pay close attention to how she responded and adjust my plan accordingly. If not being in touch with her natural parents proved more painful than seeing them, I would probably have another visit and see how it goes. Above all, our job is to protect our children, especially when they are too young to understand the world. Emotional damage can be just as crippling as physical damage. No matter how open we want to be, our children's welfare comes first. Everything else is a distant second. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

JoHn S.	Wow, my first instinct would say NOW. But, that is a rash answer. I know how I would feel seeing and hearing those things, but how do your children respond to it? Are you able to turn it into not being about the child, for the child's sake? Or, shield them from it? In other words,are the children able to see that THEY are not the problem? If it's effecting them negatively, I would diminish contact with them temporarily, until they (the adults) can realize what a negative impact they are placing on the kids. Guard your children in these vulnerable years as much as possible to hear and see this demeaning behavior, because not much good can come out of abuse, which this is, imo. Not buying a present, is one thing and can be forgiven, easily. But, to point out that she, first, received benefits for her, then, to say the reason she doesn't get a gift, is because the child isn't making her money any more?? There's nothing right about that. Sorry. If possible, I think you need to keep communication open, for the future, and especially the children, when they are old enough to make their own decisions. Have you tried to talk to these people and point out how hurtful and damaging some of their words and actions can be? If not, please do. It might not change their attitude. But, if they can refrain from this behavior in front of the children, then they can still have a relationship with them. That way, when the kids are older, they can make that decision for themselves. BTW, not taking pictures home, isn't bad enough to break contact, imo. You can always say that they forgot them, then 'mail' the pictures. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

monkeykitty83	While obviously it's not beneficial for kids to be involved in a relationship that does more psychological harm than good, I think there are a few steps in between having full visits and not having contact at all. I think the first step is to have a polite but totally frank and serious talk with the parents (without the kids present) about about these issues. It's important NOT to frame this as something they have to do to prevent you from cutting off contact, which will put them on the defensive and hamper communication, but rather what you feel needs to be done in hopes of preserving the relationship. The goal should be the positive, to continue contact if possible, just without harming the kids' emotional health. If you make no progress, at that point it's time for either counseling or third party mediation if they will agree to either. It may be that an unbiased voice in the situation is needed. During this process, you may need to take a break from visits (making clear it's just a break, and you plan to resume when the issues are resolved) or reduce contact to phone calls, or in the worst case scenario letters that you can screen before giving them to the kids. Even if visits aren't possible at this time, you don't necessarily have to cut the parents off from any contact at all. Only if the parents aren't able to handle any of those less extreme options without hurting the child should a total severing of contact be considered. I'm really sorry that you, and especially your kids, are going through this. I'm sure that the parents are acting from a place of pain and grief, not intentionally being mean-spirited, but at the same time, adults have to carry their own baggage without putting it on their kids' shoulders. I really hope you're able to resolve this in a way that allows continued contact, and I applaud your commitment to trying to help your kids have a relationship with their other families. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Serenity71	Make the visits brief and try not to place any expectations on it at all. I have a few things that I don't count on and that is things like birthday cakes and presents especially as they grow older. If she's not willing to do things like that then bring the birthday cake yourself in the future and a present. Set some boundaries during these visits to protect your childs feelings and you might have to explain to your son that you'll put a 'best picture' away for them to have in future once a month or every few months. Even though I have a good relationship with our kids Nparents I keep in mind they can still get hurt by them at a young age if they hit a rocky patch in their lives. They have sent gifts in the past on their birthday, and this time none at all not even a card.(A present isn't expected from us, but a card would be nice.) I think if my child was used to recieving them and then they suddenly stopped later on it will hurt and I'll have to cushion the blow. These are the pit falls of open adoption. I just hate the rosy happy picture social services paints at times and I wonder if they're the ones who live in la la land...(They just don't listen to feedback from people experiencing problems like yours thats all.) Its one thing to say they're hurting from being seperated from their child but its a lame excuse for hurting a small child over adult issues. Cantstop- The kids are 4 yrs old!!! Your birthday issues are your own not a little kids even if they're adopted! What right do you have to take it away from make it a day of misery for them or say they can't have a cake like any other kid or their friends. I can take so much from an adult adoptee but not when they put it onto a little kids and tell them they can't enjoy their birthday because they're adopted. Thats cruel... Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lori A	Although I am all for contact, I have to admit sometimes I just want to drop kick a few first parents for their actions. I have very little to offer except it may be hard for them to see their children growing up in another home. That is not to say anything against you or other adoptive parents, I appreciate people who can see the importance in it. I just wonder some times how I would have felt had I been involved in an opened adoption. I think it could be or would have been very difficult and maybe that hurt is coming out in inappropriate actions. I would talk to them about it and see if you can't come to some common ground, if not, you may have to limit contact. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Ranchmom1	Sometimes, even when people have agreed to something, they don't like it and their behavior reflects that. Even though your son and your daughter's original parents agreed to them being adopted by you, they may feel jealous of you and feel the need to somehow throw cold water on the situation through their behavior. Ultimately, you do have to protect the kids from being hurt. Do they seem to enjoy the visits with their original parents, or does it end up causing more stress and anxiety? Do they have regularly scheduled visits, or do they just show up from time to time? I'd say if your kids aren't enthused about the visits and the parents don't seem to enjoy visiting, try to limit visits until your kids are old enough to say, "I'd like to visit." Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

paralegalbunny	This is a very difficult situation, and you are between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, you would like to do the right thing and allow them contact with their families, but on the other hand you do not want to see them hurt. I am going through the same thing with my 7 year old son. He is my biological son, but it is a similar situation. His father does not have any rights to him but does see him every blue moon. We live in the same town, so ocassionally we see him out. My son knows who he is (but has only been around him a hand full of times in his life) so he likes to talk to him when he sees him. His father is cordial, and never treats him bad, however he will make no effort to bond or further the relationship on his own. He tells me that as long as he owes me child support he will never see him. I used to encourage his dad to be in his life, I would call or ask him to watch him once every few months, but eventually I had to stop. He would break promises or not show up for things (missing parties, not buying gifts on Christmas, etc.) and I saw that it was hurting him more than it was helping. If you believe it is hurting your children emotionally or mentally, then it is your job to step in and stop it. If this is the case I would: A: Have a talk with each child privately (and explain in terms that they can understand) why their parents act the way they do and that maybe it is best that they take a "break" from seeing each other-- Because believe me, even at four, she knows something is wrong and if you do not discuss this with her and let her know it is not her fault, she will blame her self. Do not criticize the other parent negativly though, just state facts. When my son was five and his dad had missed his football game and he was upset, I explained it like this: Kab, I know you're upset because your dad missed you game. And that he doesn't see you or do things with you like he should. But just know that it is not your fault. Your dad is a good guy and he loves you BUT right now he is not being a good dad to you. Im not sure why..maybe his dad wasnt around or he had no one to teach him how to be. Regardless, it is okay for you to love your dad. But just for right now we are going to take a break from seeing him or talking to him until he can keep his promises. No matter what you will always have me and Im here to talk if you need to. After I talked to him, he was better! He wasn't upset as much and things are smoother. He still has no contact with his dad and it is for the best. I would have the conversation with the parents. I know you love ______ and they love you to and we really would like for you to be a part of their life. However when you did _____ or said _______ it really hurt their feelings. My job is a mother is to protect them, so until you can ______ and _______ I think it is best we take a break from visiting If visitation is court mandated you could always file a motion with the court and explain the situation. You might would have to get legal counsel but it would be worth your childrens' mental health. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No