Adoptees...I would love your input on how adoptive parents can do better.?

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daisy mcpoo	I think kids that are adopted can feel differently even if they do look like their parents. I was adopted at birth, as was my brother, and we always knew we were adopted - but we fit in together very well as far as looks. We had a little sister who was their natural child, and I think we always suspected that they treated her differently, maybe they were less strict, less rules, or loved her more. It was probably not true (at least not that they loved her more), though I wonder if they felt a different bond with her because she was genetically related and my mom actually gave birth to her. No one would ever admit it and maybe never really admit it to themselves if that was the case. I think adoptive kids always have some issues like that. But your kids sound like they actually have issues from thier previous parents verbal abuse, and that's something they might need counseling for. I don't know that there is anything more you could do than to love and care for them - and even with a family where all the kids are biologically related the parents always have a different relationship with each child because they are each a different person - no one ever really treats all of their kids exactly the same. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1	hmmm. good question. sadly, a lot of adoptee's don't feel lovable, which is different than feeling loved. i think as far as your initial question goes....i always felt different, yes. i can't imagine how it would be possible NOT to feel different. the problem is, being adopted IS different from being born to. i remember always telling my amother i wish i could have just been hers, minus the adopted part. and pardon me erica, but isn't it time to go gargle your Stricknine?????????? Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

sunny	I think the most "loving" thing you could do would be to acknowledge that they have other familes. You might feel the "same" about them as your bio kids (but when push comes to shove?) but I doubt they feel like you are TOTALLY their mother. You're like someone who marries a widower, and wants to be more important than the dead wife. Every adopted kid would rather be with their own parents, all things being equal. Pretending is not "loving". Just relax and enjoy them instead of trying to own their souls. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Lillie	I would suggest reading some blogs by TRA's. They could give you some great insight into what it's like to be adopted into a white family. I don't feel I can answer with much help, considering the type of situation...maybe see if there's a support group with other foster-adopt parents who adopted children of different races? In regards to the adoption part, I would suggest always being open to talking about the adoption and their feelings, even if they don't bring it up, let them know that they CAN talk about it if they want to. Adoptees can be good at hiding their feelings in order to spare yours. Openness and honesty, and support for their needs, is key. Good luck to you and your family. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No

Possum	WOW - this comment by Sunny just stuck out at me - and made me say out loud - YES!! 'Just relax and enjoy them instead of trying to own their souls.' You can never fully take away the grief of an adoptee. And you shouldn't try. Because if you try - and you will probably not succeed - and your frustration for your adoptee 'not getting over it' will show through - and then the adoptee will once again feel that they are just 'wong'. We don't want to feel this grief. We want to get 'over it'. It's just so hard-wired into our brains - it's just a part of us. I'm not saying that we go around with out heads down crying all day - but it's just deep in our souls. NO child - wants to be given away by their parents. Not an infant at birth - not an older child because of bad parenting. Parents stuff up - and the children have to pay. It's like when parents get divorced - mostly - both parties would try to come up with a way for the child to still see and know both parents - as everyone know that that child is part of both of them. In adoption - too often - people just think that that link doesn't matter. But it does. If the bio parents have been abusive - maybe contact is not possible - but that child - still in their heart - feels that connection deeply - needs to know their truth - and needs great care, patience and love - to try and make things right again for them. Haven't go much more time to go into more - but hunt around the solved questions in here for more. It's out there. Good luck. You're asking questions - with open ears and eyes and heart - I'm sure you're going to do just fine. Was this answer helpful to you? Yes / No